Has anyone else felt this way ? WWYD...

[missevolving]

Back story is togther 3 years mid 30s kids from previous marriages. Had a few miscarriages and not currently TTC.DP works away alot but is home all wknds etc. after one of my losses dp used coke weekly behind my back for a year and got into debt. I found out swore blind wouldn't use again went to meetings etc and hasn't used in 2 years to my knowledge. I won't ever trust him fully 100% not to use again perhaps 95% but my trust was shattered. He knows he would lose me and everything as I hate drugs. I want to get on the mortgage ladder soon and said we will start saving soon which he says he has but
He's in a debt of around £15k and was going to do a debt management plan but didn't get round to it says he will do it again soon. And doesn't pay who he owes now.
He works hard and has been promoted a few times and gets along well with my kids. For years I have pushed and pushed to help him with his emotions as he was very up and down when we met and past traumas, he isn't great with money I've taught how to budget and now get into debt which he successfully is doing.
Recently I thought he was using drugs again and I suffer bad anxiety and he proved he wasn't and I seem to struggle with this. My last loss was only a few months ago have been having counselling and it's been helping me so much.
I've finally started to focus on myself and put myself first in this relationship instead of trying to save him and push him and countless times he's told me to back off which I am now. I've just never trusted he can do things properly tbh and I have a tendency to mother in my relationships.
I was a single mother for a long time before he came along and I only know how to be independent. On the plus note he wants us to TTC and I do too as time is not on my side (37) I feel like I don't start again. Our sex life is great always has been he treats me well helps around the house and with money when I ask. He's not lazy and works hard.he's not very romantic after 3 years only sending me I love h memes etc now n. Again we do go away sometimes but it's always me planning it

I've been going to the gym and losing weight since my last loss and been getting a lot of male attention which is lovely as I've suffered low self esteem for years.
I feel as now I'm focusing on myself my shift has changed and I feel like I'm looking at him differently now and I don't know why!

Like I still love him etc but I just feel like meh around him right now and wonder where this is going. I don't know what to do. I don't know whether to take a lilttle break just to work on myself and sort my head out and figure out what I really want I know a break he will not like or understand . Or do I let time pass for a while and see what happens but still work on myself in the relationship. I don't wanna make any rash decisions! If u have read this far thank you

I'm so sorry for your losses but please don't have children with this man

Well, since you ask:

I would dump him. In fact, I would have dumped him when I first found out he'd been using coke and got into debt, but I would definitely dump him now.

If you want to buy a house, you can't have this man hanging around with ridiculous debts. And I know you want another child and believe me I sympathise, but it will be cheaper if you don't.

I'm sorry for your losses.

But please don't ttc with this man. Too many red flags.

Why did you stay with him after he used coke and got into debt?!

It's so hard it's like a yearning that doesn't go away at all. I feel like I'm too old to start again in a new relationship with someone else and TTC again that's years possibly to find someone else make sure they want kids and then TTC. It sounds selfish of me but I figured I love him & so why not. He's a good dad already, provides doesn't cheat hardly drinks or goes out.
But then on the flip side he is very immature and he paid of the drug debt which maybe I was foolish to give him a second chance.
The other debt he had is old car finance loans store cards pay day loans etc which he does not pay.
I'm going to keep working on myself a bit more and see how I feel. I just feel like I've cut myself off from mothering and now I feel very confused 😕

And thanks for your replies about my losses

He's a good dad already,
No. He really isn't. No decent father would do drugs like that especially if that got them seriously into debt. A decent father puts his children first.

The other debt he had is old car finance loans store cards pay day loans etc which he does not pay
That is not a good dad. He refuses to act responsibly even now, by paying off the debts. He cannot house them adequately despite having a good job with many promotions. He is reliant on you for looking after them. A good father would be trying to put the past right so he can protect and provide for his children.

He is a waster. He wastes money, time, energy, love. He is not an equal partner. In ten years time you will look back at this moment and either be "thank fuck I left" or "why the fuck did I stay".

Surely debts he doesn’t pay will just keep piling on? Interest, I think companies charge for reminder letters , he could end up with CCJs against him ( making a mortgage very difficult and landlords refusing to rent if you had to move and rent again)
An awful lot of red flags to bring another child into.

@missevolving - sorry you’ve had a difficult time.

You’ve only been with this guy for 3 years and you’ve already been through serious difficulties in the relationship, you’re enjoying getting attention from other men and now you’re feeling ‘meh’ about him. And it’s only been 3 years. Having a baby together would be a huge mistake because this relationship is clearly on its way out.

Also how can you say you feel cut off from mothering when you’ve already got children? They need their mother. And you need to build a life of your own in addition to being a mother. Otherwise it puts unfair pressure on your children and it isn’t good for you.

I think you definitely need to work on yourself more because your standards for a partner are abysmally low.

Please don't let desperation for a baby make you conceive with a man who lied to you for a year, used cocaine for a year behind your back, and wracked up 15k debt which he is doing nothing about. He's not a good dad or partner and he wouldn't be made a better one by having another child.

I'm sorry but you need to think about the children you already have right now. How have you "cut yourself off from motherhood" if you already have children? They need their mum, and they need her to make sensible decisions about the men she brings into their lives.

I know a break he will not like or understand

He wouldn't have to like or understand it. He would need to respect your choice. How would he deal with not liking or understanding a break?

'I don't get it, but if you need a break, I respect that'

is very different from

'A break? No chance. If you leave me, you leave me. You don't get to come back, you idiot!'

What would you expect from him, if you told him you needed to do something that he didn't like or understand?

No I didn't mean jm
Cut off
From mothering. I am a really good mum to my children, what I meant was every partner I've ever had I've always tried to mother them without realising.
As in I've tried to take on their issues, fix their problems whether it be debt or emotional support etc.

I've realised for this reason that I haven't put myself first for years and always tried to carry them. Instead of working on myself. And now affer 3 years something has clicked and I'm doing it.

As to picking partners you need to rescue, you might find Women Who Love Too Much helpful.

It may be better to accept that you won’t be having more children. You already have children and it looks like your wish for a baby may be pushing you into bad decisions.

I can't tell if I'm reading this wrong - you've been together 3 years, he used coke for a year after one of your losses and has been clean for 2 years since. So were you TTC from day one? With this man who has never been stable financially or emotionally by the sounds of it. I'm truly sorry for your losses and understand the suffering and longing, but it sounds like that has clouded your assessment of this guy as good partner/parent material and now you're in a sunk costs spiral feeling like you have to stick with him with the clock ticking. But it sounds like you have more than one DC of your own already and he has DC too. Course that doesn't stop you wanting more and the losses will be compounding the drive to have another, but everything else in your post is clearly saying you should put the brakes on this relationship, focus on yourself and the DCs you have and not get further enmeshed with a man in debt who you don't trust and have understandably gone off. It's not going to work and I think you know that. Other people may have stuck it out and paid the price. Very few I would have thought have found it's all turned out well with him changing and living happily ever after. The question is what will you do?

I would not see him as a responsible adult and would not want him as a father to my children.
There are better men out there, raise the bar a bit.

Thankyou everyone for your open replies and support. I've had some very sobering ones. I'm sorry if I posted wrong but I only have 1ds
So yes I truly want another. I've been doing a lot of inner work too lately and this has brought up alot of questions on why I've made decisions I have in the past around men and relationships and now I understand why.
Whoever suggested the book women who love to much thanks so much I'm currently reading it and I've blown my mind!

Oh and I got pregnant after one year in the relationship as an accident it wasn't planned and then we had a further loss a year later x

You really dont want to have a baby with this man. Trust me i did with someone similar. Hes crap with money and a cocaine user!

You’d honestly be better having a child with donor sperm than with this man. Please don’t saddle a future child with a debt riddled coke head as a father.

Hi after a few days of lack of communication and me being distant dp asked what was wrong and I've told him I want a break and I want a break to
Work on myself. He said he doesn't do breaks as they don't end well but I think he's going along with it and He's not happy about having to
Move his stuff around

Currently feeling like rubbish 😑 is this normal

Of course, it's normal to feel bad but you won't always feel like that. I'm really sorry you had to go through miscarriages. That must've been really horrible. You know though that this isn't a man to have children with or to tie yourself to financially. I think it's great that you are putting yourself first. Personally, I wouldn't be thinking of having any more children - if you have healthy and happy children now then I would just make the most of that. Focus on them and focus on yourself and your future. 💐