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Original poster

Thoughts on this relationship

22 replies

Passe · 15/08/2023 12:27

To be brief would you let someone move in with you who has cut all contact with his family, has no friends, been married 3 times and your DC hate?

I have a friend going down this path and am so worried for her. I've met this man a few times and everything about him screams danger.

She is gradually being alienated from her own family and friends but thinks everyone else is the issue.
I'm not sure I can do anything but keep a watchful eye. Given the opportunity I am sure he would coerce her to cut me off too Sad

OP posts:
lyralycra · 15/08/2023 12:30

You've answered your own question, I think. You can't do anything but keep a watchful eye and always be there for her.

Andthereyougo · 15/08/2023 12:31

Sound like more red flags than a Communist rally but I doubt she’ll listen to you.

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 15/08/2023 12:32

Can you persuade her to do a Claire's Law check? Even sell it as to shut people up complaining about him! Have you actually Googled him op? To the very last page. Surprising what can show up.

Original poster
Passe · 15/08/2023 12:37

Yep. She's been on her own since divorcing 5 years ago. Met this guy OLD last year and he completely love bombed her.
Her eldest is going to uni next month, at which point he will be moved in (DD has already said she won't be coming home during hols if he is there).
I am really worried for her younger DD

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JibbaJab · 15/08/2023 12:37

I mean I don't have friends in the general sense but I know people and I have family.

In my experience, there is a reason there is no family and I fell into this trap. They had a problem with everyone, cut everyone off one by one. Once that was done, cut mine off one by one and then I was isolated. Eventually nobody else to blame and I got cut off.

whatwhatinthebutt · 15/08/2023 12:38

Having been in a CCB relationship, what I would do is watch them, not let him cut me off, gather evidence of it all. I would also advise her to tell her GP and make posts here about what he's like.

I would then report him to police myself.

anotherdisaster · 15/08/2023 12:38

If your friend doesn't seem to care that her own kids hate him and won't visit when he's there, she won't listen to you I'm afraid.

Original poster
Passe · 15/08/2023 12:57

He has a very limited SM presence and a locked down FB page. He has changed his name to a some sort of spiritual moniker.
My friend appears his only "friend" but that's only what I can see

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JibbaJab · 15/08/2023 13:07

Hard to say but if he's actively turning her against family and people she has known for her entire life or years, then it would seem off to me.

whatwhatinthebutt · 15/08/2023 13:32

I've also watched people get involved with people like that. I can't say my choices were much better but I will say they seemed somewhat normal in the beginning.

By evidence I mean what she says to you, so you can testify. I suppose it will all depend on her, but if she ends up wanting rid of him it could really help if you gather that stuff.

You could save her life. Controlling behaviour is a bigger indicator, statistically, for murdering a partner, than violence is.

feelingfree17 · 15/08/2023 13:34

Her poor daughter. How sad she won’t want to go home from Uni. She is obviously not thinking clearly.
It has disaster written all over it

Dery · 15/08/2023 13:38

What a shame your friend is happy to put this guy ahead of her DCs. She’s obviously very vulnerable. Agree with the others - all you can do is keep an eye out for your friend.

Original poster
Passe · 15/08/2023 15:36

JibbaJab · 15/08/2023 13:07

Hard to say but if he's actively turning her against family and people she has known for her entire life or years, then it would seem off to me.

Here he has been very canny in how he manipulates her.
My observation is that he quickly saw their relationship was causing issues between friend and her DD. Naturally when DD went to wider family complaining about him they became concerned and voiced as much.

Rift created, sides taken, very little effort needed on his part to turn her against family.

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CucumbersAreTheDevilsWork · 15/08/2023 16:00

I had a friend in a similar situation, she went on to have kids with him. Anyone who had a negative view of him was eventually cut off because he created a 'them and us' situation and she always sided with him. As much as I disliked him and worried for her and the kids, I knew that vocalising it would see me being cut off too. Over time she started to see his true colours and confided in me as she had no-one else. Eventually I helped her leave and she is now much happier but it took a long time and a lot of biting my tongue over the years. I'm not sure what else you can do, but just be there for her. You sound like a great friend.

JibbaJab · 15/08/2023 16:40

Passe · 15/08/2023 15:36

Here he has been very canny in how he manipulates her.
My observation is that he quickly saw their relationship was causing issues between friend and her DD. Naturally when DD went to wider family complaining about him they became concerned and voiced as much.

Rift created, sides taken, very little effort needed on his part to turn her against family.

Show quote history

Mine just caused problems with everyone in the family even their own to the point they all got cut off. My family were still involved for a bit but much less, which then became we hardly sàw them. Until eventually there were reasons created to cut them off entirely.

Nobody was allowed in the house, didn't go to family events, Christmas and birthdays, even the childrens alone in the house nobody was allowed to be involved.

After a certain amount of time being isolated you then get used to it and you go stir crazy, then believe it all. I've really struggle to adjust being within society more, cars and people seems odd.

Original poster
Passe · 15/08/2023 17:25

The nearest I got to telling her my thoughts was over Xmas last year.
We had an excruciatingly uncomfortable NYE with them, made worse by her DD having a complete meltdown.
I cautiously messaged her afterwards gently suggesting it might be an idea to take things slowly given DD's strength of feeling.
She completely ignored what I said and made no reference to it. I don't want to risk our friendship by raising it again but I am so worried.

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JibbaJab · 15/08/2023 17:28

There's likely nothing you can do about it, you'll just have to watch and wait and be there if she reaches out.

The more you push the easier it will be to cut you out.

DatingDinosaur · 15/08/2023 18:29

I don't think you can do/say anything tbh.

Other than letting her know (face to face) that you will ALWAYS be there for her, no matter what happens and that you want her to be happy.

IamSaved · 15/08/2023 20:43

I wouldn't be too concerned with the lack of contact with family and friends. There could be many (harmless) reasons for that.

The 3 divorces and the fact the DC don't like him would raise alarm bells though.

BG2015 · 15/08/2023 20:47

Has he got any children? Contact with his own family?

Original poster
Passe · 15/08/2023 22:02

BG2015 · 15/08/2023 20:47

Has he got any children? Contact with his own family?

As far as I know he has no children.
He's told my friend his parents are dead (who knows if that's true 🤷‍♀️); he has no friends. He refers to himself as a "lone wolf"!
I like to think he doesn't have a criminal record if he's employed as a carer Hmm

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Original poster
Passe · 15/08/2023 22:07

He had cut contact with his sister

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