How long to recover from controlling relationship?

[Thistoowillpasss]

We are separating, he's not happy but i cant live like this anymore. we have 2 young kids and he is so so controlling. I am 100% sure i need to leave. ive got my own money as i work full time

So I am looking for advice on how people with partners who have been really controlling manage to 'be normal' again once they get away from them.

its only now that im leaving that im starting to see how much he controlled everything - my best friend is pointing out things, and im like, why did i not see that before?

what are people's tips for , i guess, stopping myself get that panicking feeling when i say no to him or insist on doing my own thing

this sound silly but i feel like im sticking two fingers up at him just by watching the Tv shows i want to watch.

it makes him so angry, like Im some kind of teenage rebel, and thats what i feel like! im making myself stand up to him, but it is so stressful

how long does it take for that rebel feeling to go away, and i can just be a normal adult who makes there own decisions?

Honestly, I think this can vary massively and part of it, of course, will be how he continues to be in your life and continues to try and control you, even if you're not actually together.

So for my SIL, I think it's taken a good 18 months. But I've seen people on here who feel this huge lightness from the day they move out/ he leaves and who quickly find themselves feeling normal again.

Either way, enjoy all the moments you have and that he can't influence! Watch that tv program, cook that meal, go out with that friend. Well done!

thanks - i think he will continue to try and control me forever! thats just what hes like

at one point, when we just started to talk about splitting, i thought we could do stuff together for the kids, like holidaya and Christmas

but now im thinking that would be a bad mistake

Been divorced from such a man since 2007...for odd reasoning I was only able to own a cutlery tray in 2020. He has been dead a year and that relief was immense. Despite never having seen or heard from him since 2015...still have nightmares now.

If he is controlling, I'm sorry but you're going to have to have no involvement beyond arranging access and that should probably be via an app, or email/mobile purely for that purpose.

Also be careful, very controlling people often snap when the object of their control leaves and they realise they're truly going to leave. They can be v dangerous. If they were well adjusted they wouldn't have been controlling. don't project your thoughts and agenda onto them; they don't think like you.

Distance initially is hard for a while but it gets easier with time. I'm four months in and I'm feeling more at ease but still struggling to just do what I want without it feeling weird.

Unfortunately, as other posters have pointed out, it's often very difficult to manage a healthy and amicable co-parenting relationship with someone like this. Because he will do everything in his power to make life difficult for you. So try to avoid him and ignore him as much as possible and get on with your life in the meantime.

Also above poster is correct. Mine got worse the more I did on my own while there and although they forced me out, they still played mind games and controlled me afterwards. As soon as I stood up for myself, they turned and punished me in another way.

Imo it is good for dc to see you having boundaries with someone who has no respect for you - and keeping them at arm's length is a good way.. Ltb is surely the answer to you actually enjoying Christmas and other occasions without him?

if it wasnt for the kids id happily never see him again.

to the poster who said people like him snap - yeah, i think he will. Not physical or anything, but saying horrible things to me and about me, trying to play mind games with the kids and stuff like that.

i didnt go to his parents at the weekend (he didnt ask me if i wanted to go, just said that was what was happening.

honestly, his mouth was open like a fish when i put on my coat and went out before him and the kids had left to go to his parents!

i want to say i felt good doing it, but mainly I felt guilty and 'bad'

I guess it depends on what they are like, mine is a special kind of vindictiveness and has in fact taken the children.

However, all that aside it's still not worth putting up with it for the rest of your life, especially if it turns worse. I never thought mine would but it did turn physical at times but mostly emotional and psychological.