Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How not to offend

24 replies

lyralycra · 15/08/2023 11:15

I have a friend who continually attracts the wrong men. What she really would like is a dependable man who loves her and they spend the rest of their lives together. She is stunning, like the women you see posing in gymwear at the gym. She looks like that when she goes to the gym. But I think that only attracts a certain sort of man. How on earth do you suggest to a woman to be more natural, not wear make-up to the gym, not wear skimpy outfits, for instance, without offending her?

OP posts:
Janieforever · 15/08/2023 11:17

lyralycra · 15/08/2023 11:15

I have a friend who continually attracts the wrong men. What she really would like is a dependable man who loves her and they spend the rest of their lives together. She is stunning, like the women you see posing in gymwear at the gym. She looks like that when she goes to the gym. But I think that only attracts a certain sort of man. How on earth do you suggest to a woman to be more natural, not wear make-up to the gym, not wear skimpy outfits, for instance, without offending her?

This can’t be serious? You think if she covers up and doesn’t wear make up she will attract men who want something different. Honestly I’d get this deleted and I’d think about your values. What she wears and her make up is irrelevant.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/08/2023 11:17

Stay out of it.

Sparklfairy · 15/08/2023 11:17

You think it's her appearance that's the problem?

Nothing to do with who she mentally attracts?

She probably dismisses decent men as boring guys and only gives the time of day to fuck boys. It's not her outfits fgs.

Original poster
lyralycra · 15/08/2023 11:19

No, she wouldn't dismiss a decent man as boring. I think a lot of men are intimidated by her so it's only the fuck boys who approach her anyway.

I agree that we should all be able to wear what we want. My point is that it's not working for her in terms of what she really wants.

OP posts:
Janieforever · 15/08/2023 11:21

lyralycra · 15/08/2023 11:19

No, she wouldn't dismiss a decent man as boring. I think a lot of men are intimidated by her so it's only the fuck boys who approach her anyway.

I agree that we should all be able to wear what we want. My point is that it's not working for her in terms of what she really wants.

I suspect you don’t know how offensive you’re being, really, it’s verging on she’s asking for it. She will wear what she wants when she wishes, covering up and putting less make up on, to, in your eyes, make her look less attractive isn’t going to change her dating choices.

are you jealous of her, is that it? No one can believe what you’re writing.

Sparklfairy · 15/08/2023 11:21

lyralycra · 15/08/2023 11:19

No, she wouldn't dismiss a decent man as boring. I think a lot of men are intimidated by her so it's only the fuck boys who approach her anyway.

I agree that we should all be able to wear what we want. My point is that it's not working for her in terms of what she really wants.

Maybe she doesn't want a weak man so easily intimidated by a bit of make up and a tight outfit...

frumpyflora · 15/08/2023 11:22

You could have a point.

It may be that she is so stunning that most men feel she is out of their league. Also, if she dresses as if she's just about to go clubbing at any moment, only the pushy player types will come forward and the quiet dependable guy she is actually looking for won't as he doesn't think she wants a settled domestic relationship.

Original poster
lyralycra · 15/08/2023 11:23

I am not being offensive. I feel frustrated that she continually experiences shit men and she really wants a proper relationship. I am not jealous of her. I would like her to be happy.

OP posts:
cruffinsmuffin · 15/08/2023 11:23

Do you think she'll genuinely be happy with a man she has to change herself to attract? Long term? I don't see that working at all.

Original poster
lyralycra · 15/08/2023 11:25

I don't see it as her changing herself. I would say she could be her true self, actually, and then she will get what she wants. I think she has just been influenced by social media, perhaps.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/08/2023 11:27

Why are you so concerned with fixing her?

Begsthequestion · 15/08/2023 11:30

I don't think the problem is that your friend "attracts the wrong sort of men" - the way you describe her, she probably attracts all sorts of men.

The problem is that from the pool of men who find her attractive, she chooses to be with a wrong 'un.

To change that situation, she needs to work on her self-esteem and self-worth, and examine the relationship dynamics she grew up with, to break the unhealthy pattern she has chosen for her own relationships so far.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 15/08/2023 11:30

Why do you need to try and fix her?

She sounds like she might need to take a bit more time deciding if the bloke is a good one or not but it's nothing to do with what she looks like or how she dresses.

Janieforever · 15/08/2023 11:31

lyralycra · 15/08/2023 11:25

I don't see it as her changing herself. I would say she could be her true self, actually, and then she will get what she wants. I think she has just been influenced by social media, perhaps.

Of course it’s changing herself, you’re saying she’s to dress down, down play her looks, look less attractive, to attract a decent bloke, that’s nonsense and quite offensive.

BearKey · 15/08/2023 11:31

I think the OP is harshly being judged for her concerns here. They could well be right that only certain types of men have the confidence to approach people that others may feel 'out of their league'.

Perhaps just be honest with your friend on your observation. Something along the lines of 'you are always so beautiful and appear so confident that perhaps you accidentally scare the less confident guys away'. (but only if your friend is expressing concern for the type of men she meets. If it is just your opinion and your friend is happy with her choices, then I would leave well alone).

Janieforever · 15/08/2023 11:32

BearKey · 15/08/2023 11:31

I think the OP is harshly being judged for her concerns here. They could well be right that only certain types of men have the confidence to approach people that others may feel 'out of their league'.

Perhaps just be honest with your friend on your observation. Something along the lines of 'you are always so beautiful and appear so confident that perhaps you accidentally scare the less confident guys away'. (but only if your friend is expressing concern for the type of men she meets. If it is just your opinion and your friend is happy with her choices, then I would leave well alone).

So what, be less beautiful and less confident?😱

RaidFlySpray · 15/08/2023 11:34

Sounds like she's attracting the wrong type of friend if you ask me.
It's not at all appropriate to recommend a friend to change herself to attract a man. A lot of women feel more comfortable in lots of makeup etc. That doesn't mean you know better than her.

TrickleWell · 15/08/2023 11:39

Begsthequestion · 15/08/2023 11:30

I don't think the problem is that your friend "attracts the wrong sort of men" - the way you describe her, she probably attracts all sorts of men.

The problem is that from the pool of men who find her attractive, she chooses to be with a wrong 'un.

To change that situation, she needs to work on her self-esteem and self-worth, and examine the relationship dynamics she grew up with, to break the unhealthy pattern she has chosen for her own relationships so far.

This. And yes, you’re being offensive, OP.

GoodChat · 15/08/2023 11:40

You can look good and feel good and attract good men...

Original poster
lyralycra · 15/08/2023 11:42

BearKey · 15/08/2023 11:31

I think the OP is harshly being judged for her concerns here. They could well be right that only certain types of men have the confidence to approach people that others may feel 'out of their league'.

Perhaps just be honest with your friend on your observation. Something along the lines of 'you are always so beautiful and appear so confident that perhaps you accidentally scare the less confident guys away'. (but only if your friend is expressing concern for the type of men she meets. If it is just your opinion and your friend is happy with her choices, then I would leave well alone).

That's a very good idea of how to word it.

OP posts:
Original poster
lyralycra · 15/08/2023 11:46

Just to be clear. I don't want her to look less attractive!

OP posts:
Janieforever · 15/08/2023 11:49

lyralycra · 15/08/2023 11:46

Just to be clear. I don't want her to look less attractive!

Yeah you do.

Original poster
lyralycra · 15/08/2023 11:53

@Janieforever it would get a bit silly for me to repeat myself!

OP posts:
TrickleWell · 15/08/2023 11:55

lyralycra · 15/08/2023 11:42

That's a very good idea of how to word it.

Show quote history

But what you’re still saying is ‘Dial yourself down for the ‘right’ type of male attention’.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page