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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No closure

23 replies

Plantyplantplants · 15/08/2023 11:07

I was in a long-term relationship that ended two years ago. He has said repeatedly that he wanted to sort it out and get back together. This hasn’t happened. If he really wanted to be with us, it would have happened by now. He ignores my calls and messages. I We have a child, he only sees her once in a blue moon and only when it suits him. My DC is a constant reminder of him.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this? How do I move on and get over this without any closure?

OP posts:
SummerrainyautumnIscoming · 15/08/2023 11:10

I think you need to reframe things, you say no closure… what does closure look like for you?

You are right you’d be back together he wanted to be, you need to close the chapter yourself. He won’t message you back or acknowledge your messages, stop messaging him. If he wants to see your child, let him reach out. Otherwise you need to focus on you, it’s not about him , it’s about you being happy and you looking after yourself and your child.

Original poster
Plantyplantplants · 15/08/2023 11:19

SummerrainyautumnIscoming I’ve tried focussing on myself and DC but living life without him is a constant reminder of what we don’t have. All I can see if dads everywhere with their kids and my DC doesn’t have that.

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 15/08/2023 11:22

Lots of kids don't have Dads present in their lives. Without wanting to sound too harsh this sint about that itnis about you not moving on from him and allowing yourself to be drawn back in when he lies and dangles the possibility of getting back together.

Time for you to say enough is enough and move on mentally.

Original poster
Plantyplantplants · 15/08/2023 11:26

As painful as it is, I don’t understand why he doesn’t just have the conversation with me and say it’s over for good. He’ll send very very occasional one line replies saying things like “I do want you” and then nothing. There is absolutely nothing about the way he’s been treating us that confirms this. It’s so so cruel and such a headfuck.

OP posts:
Duchessofspace · 15/08/2023 11:29

Plantyplantplants · 15/08/2023 11:26

As painful as it is, I don’t understand why he doesn’t just have the conversation with me and say it’s over for good. He’ll send very very occasional one line replies saying things like “I do want you” and then nothing. There is absolutely nothing about the way he’s been treating us that confirms this. It’s so so cruel and such a headfuck.

Why don’t you take control and have the conversation with him and yourself.

Eg

I am dumping this miserable excuse of an ex partner from my life. The door is open for contact but I am not chasing - he’s an adult, he can parent. I am however, going to sort myself and my confidence out with therapy and build myself up, exercise, empower my friendships, social network etc and then if and when I choose to- I will either have a partner worthy of me - or be confident enough to be alone.

GreyCarpet · 15/08/2023 11:34

Totally agree with the others.

You need to reframe it and you need to take control rather than waiting around passively to see what he wants.

Stop calling and messaging him. As long as you're not blocking contact, you don't need to do anything else.

My son is 24 and has never met his father. His choice. The door has always been open but I told him that I was going to have a child to focus on (we split when I was 30 weeks pregnant) and that he was my priority so i wouldnt be chasing him. I pretty much didn't give him a second thought after that because I was too busy focusing on having a baby, being a mum and my plans for the future.

So I do have some experience of this.

Practice rolling your eyes and doing something else when he sends you those texts. Don't respond.

GreyCarpet · 15/08/2023 11:36

Having the conversation with yourself is a great idea. Give yourself closure.

You're not going to get what you want or need from him. You must be able to see that?

Original poster
Plantyplantplants · 15/08/2023 11:41

I have had the conversation with him several times but I didn’t mean it.

Greycarpet I wish I could be that strong. I have effectively lost a lot of people over the last 10 years so feeling quite alone in the world. I know that doesn’t help.

I don’t know why I keep thinking he’s the answer. I wish I could erase all the happy memories.

OP posts:
Raffington55 · 15/08/2023 11:42

Plantyplantplants · 15/08/2023 11:26

As painful as it is, I don’t understand why he doesn’t just have the conversation with me and say it’s over for good. He’ll send very very occasional one line replies saying things like “I do want you” and then nothing. There is absolutely nothing about the way he’s been treating us that confirms this. It’s so so cruel and such a headfuck.

Stop letting him do this. Just stop communicating. You are giving all the power over to him. Take it back by looking after yourself and getting on with your own life. He's just a bloke without the decency to respond to your messages. Ignoring people is cruel and he doesn't deserve your time.

user1492757084 · 15/08/2023 11:43

You take the driver's seat and call it off.
You instigate a closure that suits you.
His actions make it as clear as day.
You would be a mug to wait around.
Sit with a mediator and make a plan for care of your child.
Be honest and accept his honesty if he doesn't wish to help care for his child. Make sure he contributes and supports you financially so that the outcome is positive.

Move on.

GreyCarpet · 15/08/2023 12:07

Plantyplantplants · 15/08/2023 11:41

I have had the conversation with him several times but I didn’t mean it.

Greycarpet I wish I could be that strong. I have effectively lost a lot of people over the last 10 years so feeling quite alone in the world. I know that doesn’t help.

I don’t know why I keep thinking he’s the answer. I wish I could erase all the happy memories.

I don't wish to 'story top' or play ?isery top trumps' (wow that's a phrase I haven't read on here in a while!) But just to give you some context (I've posted about this on here before).

I grew up in abuse. I ended up in an abusive relationship 300 miles away from where I grew up. Lost all contact with everyone. I had no one. I had no choice but to move 'home' whek the relationahip ended. Behind my back, my mum arranged for me to go into a mother and baby nursing home. She lied to get me in there given that it was a social services run nursing home where all the other young mums were care leavers, drug addicts, on Child Protection plans themselves, subject to local authority parenting assessments... you get the picture.

I had no support, no support, no contact with anyone. After 10 months, I was given a HA flat. When my son was 2, I went to university and got a first class degree.

I have no contact with my mother. I've had no contact with my son's father for over 24 years.

I was not in a position of strength, privilege or lucky. I relied on myself because I had no one else. There's nothing special about me, I just decided I wasn't going to have the rest of my life shaped or dictated by people who didn't give a shit about me.

You can make that decision too.

Acornsoup · 15/08/2023 12:17

Have you considered counselling and CBT. You can't be the best parent you can be while this is taking up your energy. You sound like a lovely considerate person - please extend some of that kindness to yourself. Your DC will be so much happier if their DM is too.

Your Ex is never going to give you closure, they have and will continue to say whatever keeps you happy in the moment. Their actions have shown you that you are not a priority for them and neither is DC.

HarrietJet · 15/08/2023 13:51

He has said repeatedly that he wanted to sort it out and get back together
How do you respond to this?

supercali77 · 15/08/2023 14:18

Did you lose people bevause of him?

You get closure by closing the door. By yourself. Dont leave it half open. Tell him to communicate only about your dc by email. You do not want any more texts about getting back together. It will be painful but otherwise you're going to carry on living in a half fantasy about this man who barely sees his own children and occasionally shoots off a half assed text saying he still wants you. Don't you want more for yourself?

Original poster
Plantyplantplants · 15/08/2023 14:20

HarrietJet · 15/08/2023 13:51

He has said repeatedly that he wanted to sort it out and get back together
How do you respond to this?

He’s only ever sent it in his messages, I don’t think he’s ever said it directly to me.

By that point I’m usually so cross that he’s ignored me, I don’t reply - it’s also clear he isn’t sorting it out. I think he doesn’t mean it even though I really wish he did.

OP posts:
Original poster
Plantyplantplants · 15/08/2023 14:29

GreyCarpet that’s tough by v inspirational- well done!

I’m used to people not giving a shit about me so I suppose I’ve just got used to it and am more accepting of it. I have been having counselling. I know I need to take care of myself more and value myself but it’s tough - I think I’m having a massive blip. The summer holidays don’t help and I’ve been unwell. Just so tired and lonely and wish there was someone there for me to help carry the load.

OP posts:
HarrietJet · 15/08/2023 14:30

Plantyplantplants · 15/08/2023 14:20

He’s only ever sent it in his messages, I don’t think he’s ever said it directly to me.

By that point I’m usually so cross that he’s ignored me, I don’t reply - it’s also clear he isn’t sorting it out. I think he doesn’t mean it even though I really wish he did.

Show quote history

Confused. If you want closure, ignoring him isn't the way to go?

Original poster
Plantyplantplants · 15/08/2023 14:47

HarrietJet either fixing or ending a relationship is hard to do with someone who will only send three or four word messages, let alone actually speak to you

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 15/08/2023 14:59

Plantyplantplants · 15/08/2023 14:29

GreyCarpet that’s tough by v inspirational- well done!

I’m used to people not giving a shit about me so I suppose I’ve just got used to it and am more accepting of it. I have been having counselling. I know I need to take care of myself more and value myself but it’s tough - I think I’m having a massive blip. The summer holidays don’t help and I’ve been unwell. Just so tired and lonely and wish there was someone there for me to help carry the load.

I know that feeling too!

The thing I found was that doing it yourself is quite possibly the most empowering thing you can do. Realising that, as much as you might want those other things and even craventhem at times, knowing that you can do it on your own means you're less likely to take any crap from any man who just doesn't meet the grade.

I don't know you and yet I know that you are worth so much more than this man is offering you (which is less than nothing).

A pp was right. You need to decide for yourself that you're worth more. I know it's hard. And I know your head will be full of what if..?s - what if he decides he wants to make a go of it and you've ended it? What if he turns it around? What if he gives someone else the commitment you are craving..? All of those are tough thoughts to deal with amd it's a strong person who can turn away from that last remaining drop of hope.

But does this really look like the beginning of your happily ever after? Think back to when you were a child. Is this what you imagined your fitire relationship to look like? Look at what is actually happening. Actually the reality. And not what you'd like it to be.

Go and look at yourself in the mirror. Look at your baby. Do you both not deserve better?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 15/08/2023 15:08

Plantyplantplants · 15/08/2023 14:47

HarrietJet either fixing or ending a relationship is hard to do with someone who will only send three or four word messages, let alone actually speak to you

There's nothing left to fix. He's telling you that it's over in his silence and his absence.

Listen to what he's told you. He's gone. It's over. Stop paying attention to his pathetic, meaningless texts and get on with your life and find what can make you happy.

Radiohat · 15/08/2023 15:55

He is not interested in making a life with you.

Stop thinking he will change. If he wanted you he would be there with you.

Try get some therapy for the low self-esteem.

Original poster
Plantyplantplants · 15/08/2023 17:50

Deep down I know that he no longer wants either of us. He’s really messed with my head by saying he wanted to fix things when he clearly had no intention of ever doing so. It’s the cruelest, cruelest thing and I don’t understand why he won’t just tell me his feelings have changed and he no longer wants that.

OP posts:
supercali77 · 15/08/2023 19:11

'I don’t understand why he won’t just tell me his feelings have changed and he no longer wants that.'

The sad reality is - probably because its easy enough to keep you hanging on with nothing more than a text. Because it might be useful to still have you 'there'. Sadder still he probably didn't even consider your feelings at all.

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