Need help with next move with in-laws / difficult SIL

[sadgoat5634]

I need advice on what to do next. DH is one of 6 children, I was ecstatic to join a big family as I come from a small family where everyone is estranged. In hindsight, that set me up poorly as I was young-ish ( pre- therapy :P) and bent over backward to be accepted. Everyone was super nice and inclusive at first. However, one of the spouses, my SIL always hated me. It was more ignoring me at first, which most people said she would warm up to me eventually. Of course, I tried to be extra nice and long story short I became the perfect victim. It's gotten really bad since we have had kids. It's to the point that every time we interact either in person or family chat-type situation, she ends up making insulting remarks. She complains to everyone in the family that we never visit but when we do, she makes sure that it's terrible for us and accuses us of stealing their stuff, breaking things in rooms we did not go into, or messing things up for them, every single time, to the point that I am not comfortable going to their place anymore. Of course, they are always hosting everyone, so we would end up isolated if we don't go. We do live out of town so hosting is not an option for us. Of course, this is always used against us. When she was working out of town on her own career pre-kids, everyone (including us) were supposed to accommodate her schedule, which cost me a lot of money several time.
Recently it escalated to the point that she was really rude/ insulting to me in the family group text, and no one said anything, because they are all happy I am the target, and not them. Kids are young and still all get along together quite well, but I am disheartened to be slowly losing a family that I was fully hoping I would be a part of. I also realize that I don't have anything to lose if they don't stand up for me. DH will continue to go and facilitate kids interactions, but what is my next move? How do I protect my mental health, as I was scapegoated in my own family, this is really not a great situation for me to be in and very stress-inducing, despite my best effort at letting it go. How do I grieve "losing"/ failing at being accepted by another family? Thank you!

@sadgoat5634 massive massive squishes.

One - take a step back and look to your own home. Where is your DH in all this.

you need your little family unit to be strong. Or you won’t manage this.

I would be telling my DH that we needed counselling to become a stronger couple because how he allows his family to treat you without standing up for you is awful.

If your own partner doesn’t have your back then what hope do you have?

Do you like MIL and others? Make plans to visit them separately if so. I’d point blank point out you’d prefer that so there’s less of an atmosphere.

Does your SIL talk down to your DH or about your children in front of him or them? If so I’d be stopping my children visiting. I don’t want my children exposed to an adult that can’t behave appropriately in front of children.

I’d make friends and strengthen bonds elsewhere and accept this family is not a healthy dynamic. create a life you want without them. When/if they step up then they can be involved.

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I think you are identifying the problem correctly. Unfortunately, as a coping mechanism, my husband has been able to "let things slide" quite easily. He doesn't take anything personally, and disarm people with his contagious optimism, which frankly does make him a pretty great person to be around and why I married him. So it would be somewhat unfair to blame him for all of this. However, I think he is also desperate to keep a relationship to his family, and he also points out that he has cousins where his dad could not be in the same room than their dad and they grew up to be closer than siblings, thanks to their dads deciding to keep things civil enough.
I think it will just take some time for him to realize how detrimental all of this is. SIL does talk down to my husband quite a bit, but he really doesn't really care, which pisses her off even more, and is probably why she goes after me harder. But because of this, it doesn't really matter if he defends me because she doesn't really listen either. We've just started to scratch the beginning of some of the hidden trauma in his family, and I guess that I am just looking for temporary measures as if I put my foot down now, I will certainly be forever known as the source of everything wrong in their family dynamic, and give him enough time to let him continue to realize all the issues that are at play.

Have you considered answering her FB posts with “What the actual fuck is your problem??? I’ve had it with this shit. I’m not being the victim to protect the family of cowards I married into from this viper any more.”

If she's rude in a WhatsApp chat, say something at the time.

If she's says something factually incorrect to your face challenge her at the time.

You can only challenge issues with her. The wider family dynamic isn't your responsibility. Hidden family trauma sounds OTT for what is really nothing to do with you.

She is a bully, they stop when challenged normally and move on to the next target who won’t. So next time she says something in the group text answer back, oh xxx did you mean to be so rude, oh xxx that’s a bit rude, oh xxx I don’t know why you think that you know it’s not true etc

you have to answer her back, it’s the only way it will stop

Whilst all this bullying has been going on your husband has done nothing?

There is your problem.

I don't know - I think your view of a large close family is probably optimistic. DGPs get on with their DCs and DGCs but sideways - it just becomes too difficult once everyone gets older, are busy working.
What about friends' families. I would try to develop that.
Once my DM died everyone sort of moved apart, she had been the 'artificial' gel.

She's quite the madam isn't she your SIL? She has everyone walking on egg shells around her.

My ex SIL was a devious madam- less direct than yours, but I discovered she had been writing negative responses on my blog. She always made oppositional and condescending comments on the group whatsapp whenever I wrote anything and nobody stuck up for me. Eventually, I left the whatsapp group and she never asked me why but spoke about it to everyone else! That speaks volumes to me because if she was really bothered- she'd have asked me instead of stirring up suspicion amongst other family members. She knew why I'd left.

She was happy for me to look after her kids for her8⁹, but was back stabbing me for years. In the end, when my marriage was in a bad place and obviously failing, I thought stuff it and I confronted her about everything. She became the innocent victim of course and she scurried under her rock, never to reply but got lots of sympathy from the rest of the family. Throwing that firework was the best thing I ever did because it showed everyone up for who they were and made me realise I was never a part of the family. I wish I'd confronted it all sooner. DH showed where his loyalties lay and it wasn't with me. He moved back in with his parents and they all lived happily ever after. I am now free of them all and its exhilerating. No more bending over backwards to be liked and accepted anymore. Just free to be myself.

My family is crap too and I think it is what attracted me to another crap family.

My advice- light the firework.
Confront it all.
If you have anything to lose- it's worth losing.

What stands out to me OP is you say 'of course I tried to be extra nice'. Why would you do this? It doesn't work with bullies. Mean, manipulative or bombastic people need standing up to. It's your own responsibility to stick up for yourself. It is quite nerve-wracking at first but, as @Avabarth says, it's exhilarating.

I think people would think I have lost it for good! 😂 I have been way too docile for this to be believable.

So she is not fully a bully. When I didn't follow her will she made other family members life hell to bring me back in line or tell them lies so they come and attack me...

I think some therapy/counselling might be helpful for you in identifying why you feel the need to bend over backwards to be nice to people - especially people who are not nice to you - and finding ways to stop doing this. Because it's self-harming in the face of other people who take advantage of it and needs to stop. You can't control awful SIL. But you can control your response to it.

DH is obviously scared of her so will never stick up for you.

@Avabarth thank you for sharing. I can relate. I have just realized I was never accepted either. I also need to grieve the fantasy of a family I had like @Kweeky mentioned. So I am sad but not quite feeling the freedom yet.

"I think people would think I have lost it for good! 😂 I have been way too docile for this to be believable."

It doesn't matter what people think. What matters is how you feel and not allowing yourself to be treated like shit. Most people are polite but with stupid, awful people you have to show them how to treat you by having boundaries.

She sounds an awful lot like a bully.

@Mmhmmn yes it's pretty clear from my childhood why I behaved this way, and has created lots of hardships in my life. I freed myself from most, started a new career, new relationships, moved on from abusive workplaces. This is my last challenge.

My DH has a similar large family. And his sister is similar batshit. Everyone tiptoes around her.

she made a few attempts to bully me, however I’ve gone NC with my family for mistreating me. So I asked my DH upfront if he really expected me to put up with his batshit sister when I’ve cut much closer ties.

I don’t bother with her now. I dip in and out of the relationship and engage with the nicer family members. We have our own lives and are super busy anyway.

DH was bought up to appease her so hates rocking the boat. However he knows he’ll lose everything he has if he pisses me off so he doesn’t bother with his sister either unless unavoidable.

Lose. Your. Shit.

Seriously OP. Resolve today to not accept one second more of her crap, and the second she starts in on you again give her both barrels. And the same to any flying monkeys she sends at you because she's 'sooooo upset' boo fucking hoo.

'Jesus Sarah - take a fucking day off! I don't know what the hell your problem is but I'm sick of it. Piss off and leave me alone, I'm not interested in being your punching bag for a second longer. Grow up, for fucks sake.'

'Marjorie, I'm going to stop you there. I don't give a shit how Sarah feels, she's created this situation all on her own, and I'm simply not interested in being involved in her ridiculous behaviour any more. I'm done, and I'm not going to discuss it any further. '

Challenge her! Every.Single.Time.
You can be polite about it but also make sure that you let the rest of the family know the actual truth.

Your problem is you. Your sister-in-law treats you this way because you allow it. Stop being a doormat for her and for everyone else, including your useless husband.

Make a promise to yourself that from this moment forward, you will not squander one second of your time on toxic people and those who enable them.

Is your H so bloody wet that he's happy to see his wife being belittled and bullied and won't say anything about it?

Does he care about you at all? What about the children? If SIL decides to start bullying them, is going to stand by like a limp rag and say nothing whilst his kids get targeted? Would you H be OK with a stranger walking up to you and calling you names and being abusive? If that's not acceptable then why is he putting up with his SIL being a nasty piece of work?

I don't think I could stay in a relationship with someone that wasn't prepared to stand up for me and have my back.

You have a problem here; it's your H. If the situation were reversed, would you stand by and say nothing whilst a member of your family was an arsehole to your H?

You're in a very difficult situation here. I really do think that you need to find a way to call this out in a calm and reasonable manner. And I would make sure to do it with witnesses - whether it is in person or via that WhatsApp group.

If it is done in person, please gather up your family and leave with a firm, "Come on everyone, we're leaving."

Some other random suggestions for calling out:

"I don't know what I've said or done to make you hate me so much, but I'm through with being your punchbag."

"You have no right to speak to me like that and I'm not going to put up with it any more."

"Why do you feel the need to attack or belittle me like this?"

In my experience, when you call out a toxic person, they will completely lose their shit. They don't like being challenged. This is why it needs to be done in a very calm, level manner, so that you show them up for the nut job that they are. Then you leave immediately and let everyone else deal with the fallout.

She sounds an awful lot like a bully.

Brilliant!!

I agree. I realize this is going to be harder given that I let it go for so long. Everyone in the family told me to be nice to her and that it was the way ( obviously since it got her off their back!) and that perfectly mirror how one of my parents sacrificed me to the other by telling me to be "nice" aka endure verbal abuse to keep the family peace. So nothing too surprising here, but I am hoping to do better from now on.