WWYD? Opinions on "white lie" or something bigger?

[HollowHeart]

OK so I need to know if I'm overthinking this or if its a massive red flag and I need to do something (what I don't know!)

My husband recently met up with an old female friend for a "quick coffee" before he went to play golf. She was back in the country from overseas for a couple of weeks. Hed spoken about the possibility of meeting her if the opportunity arose. This in general I have no issue with....my issue is that he didn't tell me about it. I asked him what had him up and out of the house extra early that morning and he said nothing he was just meeting the lads earlier.
I asked him how his day went when he returned and again he omitted to tell me he'd met up with her.
I even asked him a few days later had he heard from his friend and asked would he be meeting up with her and AGAIN he said he hadn't heard from her.
Fast forward a week or so later something just wasn't sitting right with me and after a couple of glasses of wine too many I snooped on his phone (hand on my heart I've never done that before!)
Low and behold there was messages arranging the early morning meet up. Messages on the day saying he'd arrived. Messages after saying how lovely it was to meet up. Messages that they should do it over beers next time she was home "as long as you don't try and take advantage of me" (my husbands words not hers)

I'm so pissed off and confronted him and he's said it was a stupid mistake and that he should have told me as he point blank says nothing untoward happened. But I'm just having a really hard time moving forward and I'm finding myself stuck in the loop of "well if he lied about that what else is he lying about?"

Hive brain WWYD??

"Messages that they should do it over beers next time she was home "as long as you don't try and take advantage of me" (my husbands words not hers)"

In saying this to the friend, he has put the suggestion to her that he is available for taking it further. It's a jokey message, but with a clear meaning, if you see what I mean.
If he had innocent intentions, he might have said something more like "let's meet again next time you are here, we can go for a few drinks instead of a quick coffee and catch up properly."

So that, along with lying several times about meeting her, would upset me.

I would struggle to move on from this without him acknowledging there is a problem. Him saying "nothing happened" and brushing it off just means nothing happened this time, but now you know how he's acting with others I fear it's only a matter of time before something does happen with her or someone else.

His actions show he's not all-in with your marriage. If the marriage was working then he wouldn't be acting like this and you wouldn't be suspicious. What do you want going forward? Is he the one you really want to spend the rest of your life with? If so, I'd suggest marriage counselling.

@TaigaSno this is exactly what I have been thinking, I'm happy to know its not just me that sees it as a betrayal of trust.
I dont know what I want to to. We have 2 beautiful boys (6&8) and I don't want to be the one to split the family apart but at the same time I'm having a really hard time letting it go.
We've been together 12 years and I thought he was the one.

I'm afraid I agree with TaigaSno

There was absolutely no need for him to lie about meeting an old friend where ''nothing happened' unless it felt wrong to him on some level.

This was the point I made to him. That he obviously thought it was wrong or he felt some kind of attraction to her which he denied.
I would just prefer the truth, no matter what that is.🤷🏻‍♀️

But it wasn’t a “stupid mistake” was it? It has his choice, time and time again to lie to you. He needs to have a very honest conversation with you (and himself actually) about why he chose to lie. The message he sent her definitely suggests a willingness to be more than friends. I’m sorry op, I would be hugely pissed off, I do not understand why people do this. Do whatever you want but don’t lie about it!!!

…as he point blank says nothing untoward happened.

No, @HollowHeart. Plenty untoward has happened. Your H weakened his boundaries and treated you with contempt:

*He lied to you 3 times about meeting this woman.
*He was flirty and suggestive in his follow-up message to her.
*He downplayed his faithless behavior when you rumbled him.

He needs to take full responsibility for his betrayal. He needs to clearly understand that you aren’t prepared to be made a fool of so he can prioritize ego-buzzes with other women.

Personally, my trust and respect for him would have plummeted, so I would be reconsidering the relationship.

My opinion is that if a man is doing something which involves another woman and he is purposefully trying to hide it from his partner, including lying about it, then there’s nothing innocent about it.