Anyone else’s Mum just dumps emotionally on you?

[Cherriesandstrawberries]

I’ve just come away with my Mum for a few days for a long awaited beach trip in the UK. We spent a few hundred each which I didn’t really have the money to do but my Mum really wanted a little holiday with me.

It’s the first night and she’s literally just used me as her therapist. She’s in a deep depressive hole and everything is miserable and overwhelming for her. I’m now really missing home and my teen at home and regret coming.

AIBU to not want to have to take this on? I’ve kept telling her she needs to revisit a therapist but she’s not very proactive. I’m feeling awful now and feel really negative and down myself but aren’t you supposed to be there for your loved ones? Feeling confused as I’m also annoyed that I feel low too now.

Yup, my Mum, my sister and my brother all do it. Drives me mad but I find it hard to not be there for them.

The only time I ever put proper boundaries in place was when I had my second DC and it started to really affect my own mental health and I was getting palpitations.

I hate being an empath, I feel their pain so deeply. I have vowed never to do this to my own children.

Yes, I can completely relate. My mum has done this since I was a child and it's had quite a negative impact on our relationship. I don't hear from her unless it's to offload all of her problems (or to ask for money).

It leaves me feeling really stressed afterwards and a bit sad too because she never thinks to ask how I'm doing.

I've stepped back from the relationship and we don't see each other very often now. It's a shame but she doesn't seem to be able to behave any other way.

I don't have much advice other than to give yourself space if you need to x

@lyralycra My mother has never provided me with emotional support once in my adult life...she's incapable of it. The one time I tried, when I was 21 and having a terrible time both with my job and husband, she completely ignored what I said and made it all about her...as she'd been doing to me since I was 9. As the only girl, I got all the emotional stuff, my two brothers were spared (she's a raging misogynist as well as a narcissist).

I finally had a massive nervous breakdown at 23 and tried to kill myself. First thing I did after I started psychological therapy was to move to the other side of the world, to get away from her. Best thing I ever did. I'm now low contact with her and haven't actually seen her in 14 years. For the sake of my sanity this is the way it has to be.

I think this is a very different scenario. I absolutely want my dc to off load to me, it's part of my 'job'. I wouldn't off load on them though, I have my friends for that!

That’s how I view my “role” as well, @brokenlore. As a parent, I’m here for my teenage children to share their worries with. I think it’s good that they feel able to and I hope they always feel that they can turn to me.

I offload my own worries to DH and my bff though- I’m here to make my children’s lives easier, not harder!

Ok, a few observations

1. Does she live on her own, is that recent and is she lonely? If she’s elderly she may also have lost friends in her friendship group as they age and die. If you’re spending all day on you’re own, with not much to occupy you, and you’re an extrovert, then it is very hard to adapt and find someone to vent to- it all bottles up and then comes out in one long monologue with the next person who shows any signs of empathy
2. is she actually depressed ? This brings people moods down and means it’s hard for them i be motivated to change, they get stuck in a rut of unhappiness and increasing hopelessness. Look up all signs of depression and ensure that you don’t think that’s going on. If it is encourage her to Gp to get some meds to help her get her vitality back
3. as someone whose had a lot of counselling and therapy over the years, it “not working” is way more common than it “working frankly”! There are various reasons : the therapist or counsellor just doesn’t gel with the person, the therapy techniques don’t work for that person (unsurprisingly we’re all different and not all therapies work for all people), she’s being helped for general mood disorder whereas there is another cause going on and that treatment simply won’t work for it. Or , sadly which is often the case, the experience and qualification of the person you see is woefully lacking - there are counsellors which frankly shouldn’t be counselling and do more harm than good, there are part qualified therapists which could again be anyone with not much training, then there are qualified psychologists who are members of their professional body, and then there are experienced and professional psychologists with training in all techniques and tool who are adapt at understand how their patient thinks and feels and can tailor a targeted approach. It took me 15 years to find a psychologist and technique that worked for me and actually started to help me, the rest of all the other stuff was no better than emotional bulimia frankly.

whilst I agree it can be utterly overwhelming, she is clearly using you for something to help her and she gets something out of it- no matter how unhealthy that is. . Maybe sit down and have a critical conversation along the lines of “when you do this, I feel this”, “can you help me understand why you do this” , “why is that” and dig until you understand what is driving this need to dump on you. Once you understand that you may both be able to find a way to make it manageable and gradually talk about more positive things.

Yes. For as long as I can remember. It's bloody draining.

Being a mum and being a daughter are completely different, there is no reciprocal agreement, daughters should not have to hear about their mothers sex lives and how awful their husband is. I think you are mistaking this for someone having an occasional moan to an adult child. This is an extension of parentification, you are there to be used.

Do you really think it's appropriate for a mother to tell her 8 year old daughter the nitty gritty details of physical abuse she suffered as a child? Or for every interaction with grown up daughter be filled with moaning, complaining, negativity and depression? A bit of two-way street moan is fine, and within the realm of a healthy relationship. Actively dumping all of your worries, woes, traumas, anxieties and memories on your child as a habit: completely wrong.

I have literally just got off the phone with my own emotional parasite. In addition to dumping things on me, I can't say a single damn thing which then isn't twisted and thrown back in my face.

I don't want to drag up the endless examples I have because she's really affecting my mood and already taking up far too much headspace. I am also at home on maternity leave. I had pretty good boundaries before having a baby but now she (understandably) wants regular contact about the baby and I don't get enough time or space to recover between these batshit Interactions.

For context, she was in hospital on Monday and was sent home with medication for vertigo.

Our WhatsApp exchange this morning:
Mum: if you have a minute please call me today
Me: I can call now if that works?
Radio silence for 2 hours
Mum: I'm at the hospital, call me in 30 mins.
Me: are you ok? Have you had new symptoms?
Mum: no, I'll explain later.
Me: is it Bob or Jim or Anne? Why are you at the hospital?
Mum: I'll explain later.

She clearly wanted me to sweat so I was fuming and trying to distract myself with gardening.

She then called and started twittering on about something else. I asked about the hospital - turns out she was visiting a friend there was nothing to explain, I don't even know this woman and she could have easily just said she was visiting her friends Janet but nooooo, had to make me think something was wrong with her or someone in the household. Manipulative twat.

I'm extra angry because a few years ago my sibling was in an accident - knocked off a bicycle and she sent me a photo of said sibling sprawled on the pavement with blood on his head, surrounded by paramedics. I thought he had died ffs and then she wouldn't answer the phone or text back. So she has form for the dramatics.

Dbro was fine btw, minor injuries, all things considered.

you are there to be used

This struck a chord with me. Feeling used. After unloading all of her problems, experiences and grievances, then looking right through me as if she didn't see me. I'd stop her midway through and say 'you've already told me this' but she would just keep going and tell me the same horrible story again.

It's such an empty feeling.

@TheBeesKnee Bloody hell!!

When I told my mother I couldn't have children I had to comfort her. She never once comforted me, listened to me or empathised with me. Instead she made it all about her, her loss (she has other grandchildren) and I had to spend hours after finding out devastating news making her feel better

So yes I would love my mother to be there for me to talk things through, but she isn't

And even if she was it wouldn't make up for knowing intimate details of her sex life as a very young child. Or for being forced to take sides in adult arguments.

Not only does my mother not provide a therapy level of support, she is the reason my sisters and I need therapy.

But, it is your Mum

That doesn't make her a Saint or a good person. Some mothers are abusive.

I'm so sorry. That's so cold.

Yes I listen to my DM’s emotional offload a lot. It’s strange and hard to explain to anyone though because she doesn’t come across that way at all. I find it exhausting.

I would love my mother to be there for me to talk things through, but she isn't

I often feel like this too and know what you mean about having to think about her feelings over mine. But, my mum has never told me things like that which sounds awful for you 😕

I am the emotional punchbag too.

My mum is the same.She is an emotional vampire who sucks the life out of me. I dont know how but when I hit 50 I learned to listen ,agree and not even hear a thing she had said. I just do not care enough anymore. She knows sod all about me and my life and that suits me.

Every time I put in extra effort to help my mum, I find the things she needs multiply tenfold.

Most recently she was getting fed up with her car. She lost her keys. Twice. Then she locked her keys in the car and got someone to smash the window.

This was when she phoned me, at 8.30pm after I just finished 13 hours working.
She needed a second hand car, for less than £1200 , with 4 doors, aircon and a long m.o.t.
She also needed it to be delivered. All before the following lunchtime!
She also needed a bouquet for the lady in the shop.

I managed to come up with 3 possible cars, and she chose one. Managed to get a part exchange with the car she'd wrecked, delivered by 10am and even got £280 refund on her insurance.

Job done I thought. No. I have had a fortnight of non stop complaining about the car being too high for the dog to jump in (she can lift the dog in and she also has a ramp but can't be bothered to teach the dog to walk up it).

Then it turns out she didn't check the tyres and one needed changing (my fault).

Now she says the central locking doesn't always unlock properly, so I said change the remote battery but she can't be bothered to do that so just moans about it every single day.

Now she's dropped another bomb, and she's refusing to join the rest of the family for Xmas day, and says she's going to spend it home alone. This is because of the dog.
Last year it was all fine, this year she says dog is too old to stay at home, too old to come into the house where we will all be because she doesn't know everyone , and she can't stay in the car because she doesn't like the new car (I have seen no evidence of this and the new car has larger boot space than the other one)

I am so stressed. Every suggestion I make will be knocked back immediately, and if I don't discuss it I will be told nobody cares if she's not there.

It's taking every part of my headspace as I get numerous phone calls and texts when I'm working as a driver, updating me on any new problems she's thought of.

I just don't know what to say anymore.

I feel bad for so many pp who have had terrible childhoods due to parents offloading much bigger problems than kids should have to cope with.

Really, really hard to do but consider not jumping to every request or assuming you need to solve the problem. So a „this has gone wrong I need a“ could be met with a „that sounds hard what are you going to do“. Needs practice! Or just don’t jump to her timeline, the world won’t end.

i can relate to the stories of inappropriate dumping as a child . I think now (horrible thought) did she get a kick out of saying things about sex? I remember my dad mentioning going abroad when he was a teenager and her response „that’s when your dad went with that prostitute“ .

It’s sad to read how many people are in the same position. Mine doesn’t actually sounds as bad as some of these but from when I was quite young she’s always leaned on me far too much, shared inappropriately and made dramas about everything. My worst memories are of having to be a mediator between her and her abusive husband as a teenager, no kid should have to do that.

She’s one of those people who says ‘oh I hate being the centre of attention’ then makes sure they are. There’s always a drama and she falls out with everyone so there’s rarely anyone else she can turn to. There is my brother but for some reason it’s always me, never him.

It’s had such an impact on my life, I married a good but wrong for me man just to find the support and security my parents didn’t or couldn’t provide. I have a daughter of my own and my worst fear is that she’ll feel about me as I do about my mum.

I’m 50 now and although I’ve had therapy it still affects me and at times has a real
impact on my life. My dad died recently and even though they weren’t together she made it all about her while saying all the right things so it looked like she wasn’t.

I dread the future when she’s all alone because I know caring for her will be down to me and I don’t want to do it.