I'm feeling paranoid about friendships

pussinboots61 · 2023-08-14T21:53:01+00:00

Hi, just feel I need to get things off my chest and see if anyone can offer some advice and I feel as if I am the only one who suffers from friendship paranoia. I am 61, divorced, live on my own and have got a good job and a good circle of friends, or so I thought. But now there are two friends who I am feeling are against me. One of them, we have been friends for twenty five years or more and met through work. She's always been on the awkward side and wanting things her own way. We live at the opposite ends of town to each other and she seems to always want me to go over to where she lives and is reluctant to come to my end, though she has done occasionally but then kept going on about what a journey it was for her. Sadly she lost her husband to cancer last year and believe me I do feel sorry for her, but she was like this before. When her husband was ill and passed away I was supportive, I went over to her house often as I appreciated that she needed to be near him. But then another friend of hers, who hadn't been in touch much before, suddenly came on the scene more when her husband become ill and now she is wonderful and that's all I hear about, how good and supportive she is, as if I haven't done anything. Plus another friend, who I've known about seven years, again through work, we have always got on and in March we went away for a weekend on a coach trip and really enjoyed it and got on well together. It was her suggestion for us to again next year and she was very keen for it to happen. Then a few weeks ago we had a disagreement and she cancelled the idea of us going away together so it didn't even get booked. We have now got back on track and she is fine with me but all she goes on about are the holidays she's booked with other friends and says to me why don't I book to go away somewhere on my own! I find this very condescending. She thinks the fall out was my fault, it was all a silly misunderstanding. I don't like asking her outright about us going away together again incase she backs off and I try not to show any interest in her up and coming holidays but its very hard for me. Am I overthinking things? It is causing me much anxiety. I did change my antidepressants last year and I feel they are not suiting me so I've agreed with my GP to go back on the others. I don't know if these new meds have been making me paranoid.

Hardly123 · 15/08/2023 00:44

No advice here but following with interest x

BananaSmoothie1 · 15/08/2023 00:56

Your first friend that you mention - is she as good a friend as you had always thought? If she was happy about coming to visit you , why would she moan about the journey? Also, how can’t she see all you’ve done for her? That must be very annoying, Having made a huge effort with her and then you get to hear about some Johnny come lately. I’d start thinking about the friendship through the years and decide if it was what you thought all along.

The other friend, what was the disagreement about? Was it your fault? If it was did you apologize? You don’t give much context so it’s hard to say. Either way, I’d probably go off on a holiday with different friends , or else leave it off and plan something for next year and see if your friend is willing to go next time with you, as you did say she is back on track with you. It can be a bad place when you overthink friendships. Wishing you all the best.

Original poster

pussinboots61 · 15/08/2023 20:32

BananaSmoothie1 · 15/08/2023 00:56

Your first friend that you mention - is she as good a friend as you had always thought? If she was happy about coming to visit you , why would she moan about the journey? Also, how can’t she see all you’ve done for her? That must be very annoying, Having made a huge effort with her and then you get to hear about some Johnny come lately. I’d start thinking about the friendship through the years and decide if it was what you thought all along.

The other friend, what was the disagreement about? Was it your fault? If it was did you apologize? You don’t give much context so it’s hard to say. Either way, I’d probably go off on a holiday with different friends , or else leave it off and plan something for next year and see if your friend is willing to go next time with you, as you did say she is back on track with you. It can be a bad place when you overthink friendships. Wishing you all the best.

Hi, thank you for your reply. The first friend, she's visited my home twice since I moved here four years ago, my previous home only once in the ten years I was there. She does sometimes meet me in the town centre which is central for both of us but then goes on about the long journey she's had. Another example is I invited her out with two other mututal friends tomorrow and she declined, saying that it’s too a long journey yet then she invited me to go on a walk with a group she's joined at 9.30 am where she lives. I declined telling her it is too far for me travel at that time in a morning and as I am on leave from work this week I don't want to be getting up and travelling at an early time, she reminded me about the time she had to go to a craft class in my area at one time and get there early but that was something she initiated and she wanted to do. She doesn’t work so it doesn’t bother her if she doesn’t always get a lie as she can have one any time.
The second friend. Our disagreement was my fault in a way but it was something petty. I posted in a conversation on Messenger to a mutual friend , just commenting that she had bought an air fryer for someone visiting her for a weekend when she’s normally against them and I posted it to her in error and she got upset with me over it and cancelled our holiday plans as she said she could no longer trust me. I apologised and said I hadn’t said anything wrong about her but she took it the wrong way. She is fine with me now and we have started meeting up again but she hasn’t mentioned us going away again and neither have I as I don’t want to cause any more unease. She’s even asked me why I don’t book a holiday on my own which I think is insensitive of her under the circumstances. She keeps going on about her holidays with other friends and I find this is getting me down and I can’t seem to let it go.

OP posts:

BananaSmoothie1 · 15/08/2023 20:59

So you accidentally clicked send to her - lesson learned on that one. At least you didn’t make a personal attack on her. I know it was obviously not nice to read that on her side, but can she say she’s never said anything about you behind your back to someone? Or behind any other friends back about them? Probably not. It’s just the way people are and we are all human. Maybe take baby steps with her and do small things like coffee or shopping and drop the holiday idea until the new year. of course it’s getting you down, seeing as you are the one who made the comment. Maybe give yourself a break, as I said, we all make mistakes and say things off the cuff that maybe we don’t mean.

Your other friend, of course she’s up for things at 9.30 if she doesn’t have a job! If I don’t feel up for things my friends set up, and I’m tired after my week at work, I’ll simply say I’m tired after work guys can’t go, and they’re always reasonable about this. But then again, they have jobs too and understand what the demands are there. You could always organize to see her another time soon that suits you and call over to her if it would put your mind at ease? She definitely isn’t as bothered by this as you are. Is there anything that has made you a bit anxious in general lately? Maybe it’s making you anxious about other aspects of your life.

TheAverageJoanne · 15/08/2023 21:04

@pussinboots61 Did you post about the air fryer business at the time? I'm sure I remember seeing it.

Original poster

pussinboots61 · 15/08/2023 22:55

BananaSmoothie1 · 15/08/2023 20:59

So you accidentally clicked send to her - lesson learned on that one. At least you didn’t make a personal attack on her. I know it was obviously not nice to read that on her side, but can she say she’s never said anything about you behind your back to someone? Or behind any other friends back about them? Probably not. It’s just the way people are and we are all human. Maybe take baby steps with her and do small things like coffee or shopping and drop the holiday idea until the new year. of course it’s getting you down, seeing as you are the one who made the comment. Maybe give yourself a break, as I said, we all make mistakes and say things off the cuff that maybe we don’t mean.

Your other friend, of course she’s up for things at 9.30 if she doesn’t have a job! If I don’t feel up for things my friends set up, and I’m tired after my week at work, I’ll simply say I’m tired after work guys can’t go, and they’re always reasonable about this. But then again, they have jobs too and understand what the demands are there. You could always organize to see her another time soon that suits you and call over to her if it would put your mind at ease? She definitely isn’t as bothered by this as you are. Is there anything that has made you a bit anxious in general lately? Maybe it’s making you anxious about other aspects of your life.

True it is easy done but she took it personally. Now she's fine with keeping in touch and meeting up with me but the holiday seems a no no. I wouldn't mind but she was the one who suggested it in the first place, I wouldn't have thought twice about it otherwise.

My other friend seems to have forgotten what its like to go to work every day, she seems to want to see friends, as long as she doesn't have to put herself out. I always accept it when she says she doesn't want to do something so I expect the same when I say it but she always seems to want to have the last word.

I feel I have got more paranoid since I changed my anti depressants last year. The new ones work in some ways but not in others so I've decided to try and go back to the old ones.

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KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 15/08/2023 23:15

I remember the air fryer post. You will have upset your friend by talking about her negatively behind her back. Although you think she’s ok with you, your actions have changed the friendship - or what she thought was the friendship - and I’m not surprised she doesn’t want to go on holiday with you, you’ve hurt her feelings.

Breakingpoint1961 · 16/08/2023 05:49

Sadly, when someone has spoken about you behind your back, it does affect the trust in that relationship. Quite often it's justified, that person may be 'this' or 'that' but I think it's actually knowing that someone has said something about you ie the accidental message.

Your friend is keeping things civil, nothing more, so I would tread warily if I were you, she doesn't want to go back to 100% trust anymore hence no going away together. She also could be trying to 'punish' you by talking about the other friends/holidays. I'd not push this friendship quite frankly.

The other friend is a tad selfish, so I'd treat her accordingly. Life is all about compromise, you're lucky if you get that in a friendship.

Make new friends, have different friends for different activities, sounds easy I know, but keep consistent.

Original poster

pussinboots61 · 16/08/2023 18:53

Breakingpoint1961 · 16/08/2023 05:49

Sadly, when someone has spoken about you behind your back, it does affect the trust in that relationship. Quite often it's justified, that person may be 'this' or 'that' but I think it's actually knowing that someone has said something about you ie the accidental message.

Your friend is keeping things civil, nothing more, so I would tread warily if I were you, she doesn't want to go back to 100% trust anymore hence no going away together. She also could be trying to 'punish' you by talking about the other friends/holidays. I'd not push this friendship quite frankly.

The other friend is a tad selfish, so I'd treat her accordingly. Life is all about compromise, you're lucky if you get that in a friendship.

Make new friends, have different friends for different activities, sounds easy I know, but keep consistent.

I understand what you mean but as Bananasmoothie points out quite rightly, mistakes are easily made and I wasn't saying anything nasty about my friend. I personally wouldn't take a comment like to heart. Plus I know for sure that she and our other mutual friend have discussed me on Messenger.

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Breakingpoint1961 · 16/08/2023 21:40

@pussinboots61 I don't think it's even about saying something nasty, I just think it's knowing you're the subject of a conversation. Though in reality we all know we are sometimes (maybe quite often even) discussed between others, to actually see or hear it is another matter.

I have no idea of the nuts n bolts of your friendship, nor the context of the discussion, but it's that knowing you've been 'discussed' that just may have upset her.

OP I would worry no more, what's done is done, you've apologised, don't run after anyone.

We've all said stuff that could possibly be viewed negatively, but not intentionally hurtful, this is one of those situations.

I hope you can move on from this, either with/without your friend OP

Original poster

pussinboots61 · 16/08/2023 22:25

Breakingpoint1961 · 16/08/2023 21:40

@pussinboots61 I don't think it's even about saying something nasty, I just think it's knowing you're the subject of a conversation. Though in reality we all know we are sometimes (maybe quite often even) discussed between others, to actually see or hear it is another matter.

I have no idea of the nuts n bolts of your friendship, nor the context of the discussion, but it's that knowing you've been 'discussed' that just may have upset her.

OP I would worry no more, what's done is done, you've apologised, don't run after anyone.

We've all said stuff that could possibly be viewed negatively, but not intentionally hurtful, this is one of those situations.

I hope you can move on from this, either with/without your friend OP

My friend is messaging me as much as she used to do and things seem back on track with that now, but the holiday is another issue. She keeps asking me why don't I book a holiday with one of my other friends? I find this a tad insensitive. She cancels the idea of a holiday with me and then tells me I ought to be going away but suggests I go on my own or with other people. I feel like asking her why we can't still go away together but I really don't want to rock the boat.

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Breakingpoint1961 · 16/08/2023 22:28

Is there another friend you could holiday with? If so, I'd do what she suggested, I certainly wouldn't beg someone to do something with me. Sounds a bit passive aggressive to be honest.

Mary46 · 17/08/2023 09:34

Op do you have any hobbies as I feel you wouldnt be as reliant on these friends. I remember one years ago she was happy once I did all the driving to hers and it suited her schedule (babies same age). It got annoying as felt it was quite one sided. Holiday groups can be v clicky I think

Original poster

pussinboots61 · 17/08/2023 17:25

Breakingpoint1961 · 16/08/2023 22:28

Is there another friend you could holiday with? If so, I'd do what she suggested, I certainly wouldn't beg someone to do something with me. Sounds a bit passive aggressive to be honest.

Yes I have lot of other friends and I have discussed a weekend away with two of them. It still hurts how this friend has been though. I wouldn't beg her to go away with me but just ask, why is that passive aggressive?

OP posts:

Original poster

pussinboots61 · 17/08/2023 17:27

Mary46 · 17/08/2023 09:34

Op do you have any hobbies as I feel you wouldnt be as reliant on these friends. I remember one years ago she was happy once I did all the driving to hers and it suited her schedule (babies same age). It got annoying as felt it was quite one sided. Holiday groups can be v clicky I think

Hi yes I do have hobbies but its nice to meet up with friends also I feel. I don't like it when things are one sided though as you say, its hurtful when friends won't compromise. I find that I am putting my foot down more with this now though.

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Breakingpoint1961 · 17/08/2023 19:41

Hi OP ..so her 'telling' you to book with other friends when clearly, you can make that decision yourself. She's basically saying "I don't want to go with you" without actually saying it..so the keeping in touch 'as normal' is the passive..the telling you to go with someone else is the aggressive..

You clearly have capacity to make a decision as to who you holiday with right? So unless you've actually asked her to go with you again (because you feel the friendship is back on track) I cannot see any other reason for this..

What I see (from the info you've given) is that she is 'trying' to be the friend she was, but not wanting to go the whole hog if you see what I mean.

It may take some time to get on a really even keel with her, personally I'd busy myself with lots of other things and just accept that the friendship might never be quite the same for some time

Original poster

pussinboots61 · 17/08/2023 23:25

Breakingpoint1961 · 17/08/2023 19:41

Hi OP ..so her 'telling' you to book with other friends when clearly, you can make that decision yourself. She's basically saying "I don't want to go with you" without actually saying it..so the keeping in touch 'as normal' is the passive..the telling you to go with someone else is the aggressive..

You clearly have capacity to make a decision as to who you holiday with right? So unless you've actually asked her to go with you again (because you feel the friendship is back on track) I cannot see any other reason for this..

What I see (from the info you've given) is that she is 'trying' to be the friend she was, but not wanting to go the whole hog if you see what I mean.

It may take some time to get on a really even keel with her, personally I'd busy myself with lots of other things and just accept that the friendship might never be quite the same for some time

I see what you mean now. I am glad that things are almost normal so I'll have to let it ride for now about the holiday. If she hadn't initiated it in the first place I wouldn't have even thought about it.

We went away together in March which had been her suggestion and she suggested doing it again next year. She was all for it until the message episode.

OP posts: