How to feel happier in my marriage

[LAMLC2011]

Ok so I have another post about how I currently have a crush on a man I had an EA with a long time ago (these feelings aren't reciprocated). I'm working on going completely nc there so this post isn't really about that.

I don't find my husband attractive anymore, I still get on well with him and care about him (I honestly do) but I really don't fancy him anymore.

This is mainly due to his weight gain, it happens to us all! I'd been slightly overweight for a couple years myself - until this year where I've lost weight, dress better, exercise daily and try to make more of an effort in my appearance. I'm the lightest I've been in years and feel confident and sexy.

I don't want to come accross as shallow but I really want to fancy my husband like I used to (he appears to still fancy me). We had a frank conversation at the beginning of the year where I told him he needs to lose weight (he asked me to be honest, I wasn't rude about it, in fact I was crying because I felt awful saying it) and for a month or two he started losing weight and I felt like I'd start fancying him again, however he gave up after losing a stone (he had another 2 to go) and hasn't bothered since.

How should I approach this with him? I don't want to upset him obviously but if he knew how I'm lusting after another man he'd 100% want to work on himself.

Your best bet is another frank conversation however he doesn't appear to want to lose more weight.

If he's motivated to have sex he must surely be prepared to lose weight?

You're not being shallow - it's important we physically take care of ourselves as best as we can so we can appeal to our partners.

Our sex life hasn't suffered because of it so not sure that'll motivate him much (I do have to use my imagination somewhat).

Your sex life must be suffering for you, correct? Having sex if you don't feel attracted to his body can't be enjoyable. It's time for another talk.

Yes, I guess if he gets to have his orgasms and yours aren't affected either, there's not much motivation...

I don't often orgasm through penetrative sex anyway, not sure why (I always orgasm when having alone time), I do enjoy sex when we're having it but don't initiate it. Yes I'd obviously enjoy sex more if he lost weight

The issue here is that you feel deflated and not valuable because you don't think your husband cares enough to improve himself for you. You're not wrong.

Would you consider couples counselling. It’s a sensitive subject that might be best handled with the help of a professional. The fact that you want to work on your marriage is a good sign; but you both need to play a part and show you’re committed to one another.

I feel like we used to both be of the same attractiveness (in each others league) but now I'm feeling sexy but looking at him thinking what happened! (I know that sounds awful).

I feel caught between my head & my heart. It's our wedding anniversary later this week and I just feel flat about it, I'd normally put a fb post up but feel like a hypocrite. I love him but I'm not in love and that makes me sad.

I used to hate if he'd go out with his friends (it wasn't often) and would miss him, now I enjoy my alone time. I find myself hoping he will go out more so I can have the house to myself (if my child is not home or is in bed).

I'd consider it, unsure we can afford it though.

I don't often orgasm through penetrative sex anyway, not sure why

You and the majority of women...

I think you would both benefit from couples counselling, but if that's a stretch financially, is there a book on relationships that he'd be prepared to read?

Just here with the little known fact that the only women who orgasm through PIV sex are those whose clitoris is located in such a way (closer, more exposed) to their vaginal opening to recieve stimulation through the movement and friction of PIV sex.

Off topic, but always good to share this one, I feel.

Interesting, thank you 😊

I don’t know but have seen this with lots of mates - the women look amazing and the men don’t seem to think it matters how they look. Patriarchy probably. Men have been valued for wage earning etc and didn’t have to worry about weight so much. If you got divorced he’d prob be down the gym getting fit again

I could have written your post a few years ago.

That's where I was then.

Fast forward a few years,

My DH has steadily put on more and more weight. This has caused some health issues that he won't address and is in denial about.

This is an issue as I feel everything is on me at home. Not so much an issue in itself but when it's self inflicted and could be avoided or rectified and he refuses to, we'll that's the issue. He doesn't look after himself and I am worried about him having a stroke or a heart attack. I have to constantly pick up the slack at home and it's exhausting working full time along with that. Doing this all the time has killed off any romantic feelings as I am too knackered and I'm getting sick of his attitude towards me because I won't have sex with him.

I no longer want to have sex with him because I have stopped fancying him. It's uncomfortable and I don't fancy him this size. and I'm just not in the right place emotionally with him. I feel resentful he won't sort himself out. I feel terrible about it and I feel guilty for feeling this way but it's how I feel.

He's bad tempered with me for not wanting to sleep with him and it's all just a vicious circle.

I'm literally at a cross roads with him now as our relationship is in a terrible place.

Like you, I've really made an effort to change my lifestyle and I am happy with these changes. I'm also lighter than I have been in about 10 years and fitter!

Just respectfully tell him that you can't fancy someone who is overweight, and you can't stay in a relationship with someone you don't fancy. You've talked about it before, so it's not a long and painful conversation. You simply need to tell him. Decide for yourself, as time goes on, whether things are improving.

Don't have sex unless you want to. Certainly don't have sex because he feels like it and you think you should give him what he wants. Make your position clear, and leave it up to him. He'll decide for himself whether it's more important to him to keep gaining weight, or to start looking after himself more to save his marriage.

Sorry but that’s not a little known fact as it isn’t true. Where did you get this information?

Hmm, this is difficult. Honestly Op, I think you have the ick and it is over. I was like this about 10 yrs ago, when I had just turned 40. My now ex DH perfectly nice reliable guy, good Dad, good job, not overweight. However, he was not very motivated generally in his career or at home. He had no diy skills and I know this sounds silly and petty but I just did not find him attractive anymore. He could be a little highly strung and selfish at times. I carried all the mental load. Family decisions usually made his life easier but not necessarily what was best for the rest of us iyswim. The children and I were always compromising . He was a plodder basically. I always worked hard in the hse, had a good career, devoted myself to my children. I just got fed up. I feel terrible saying this but he really did not do it for me in the bedroom dept either. I did talk to him many times but nothing ever changed.

I note you said "'I've lost weight, dress better, exercise daily and try to make more of an effort in my appearance. I'm the lightest I've been in years and feel confident and sexy".

This rings true with me as I took a renewed interest in myself about the time I got the ick. Got fitter, went back to a size 10, grew my hair long again and got rid of my practical bob, always had my hair and make up done, went back to dressing nicely and fashionably. Had botox for the first time. Looked just as I had before marrying. I loved the attention I got and that ultimately was what that was about . I was effectively setting my stall out again, for want of a better phrase. I suspect your renewed investment in yourself is you subconsciously getting yourself dating ready again. I used to fancy work men that worked in the hse and male colleagues etc and could see they found me attractive and I knew then that my marriage was over. I was fancying people so was no longer prepared to let that part of me go by the wayside.

We separated and divorced 6 yrs ago and I am happy. He is happy too but remains single. I suspect other women see the same traits in him that drove me away. Our children are fine, thriving and happy . I remain single in that I have specifically chosen not to remarry, but did have dates and relationships, out of the view of my now very late teenage children. I have met someone and he makes me feel amazing. He is the opposite of my ex , physically athletic ( ex military ) and has a trade for a job. He ticks all my boxes! I do not look at anyone else now. I am happy and settled.

I honestly think Op you are preparing yourself for a new start.

"I used to hate if he'd go out with his friends (it wasn't often) and would miss him, now I enjoy my alone time. I find myself hoping he will go out more so I can have the house to myself (if my child is not home or is in bed)".

Just to add, and this Op . I used to feel the same. Having my own owned home again , as I did before I married, has been amazing. I chose not to marry again as I will not lose this or entangle my finances again. It plays a massive part in the freedoms and choices I have regained for myself. I wish you all the best OP.

@Sparkshaveflown Thank you for that perspective. Interesting.

@LAMLC2011 @Sparkshaveflown . Three women I know or know of in their 40s or early 50s in very similar situation as you describe.

After they recovered from their divorces apart from an odd unsatisfactory ONS their first relationships were with women. One now has a BF. Others are enjoying long term Femme FWBs.
All are concentrating on family, and their own complete health, especially fitness. They can keep up with their teen age children with bikes or kayaks. They are finding F U N again.

I think if I'm honest, my husband would probably do whatever it takes to make me happy and to not split up. I don't want to break his heart just because I'm a bit bored and having a mid life crisis.
There's also the fact it would break my mum & dad's hearts as well (although I know I can't live my life for them).
Some deep conversation is going to need to happen. Soon.

My husband is a great man, almost all round. I'm concentrating on his flaws because I have a crush on someone else. I need to concentrate on all his amazing traits.

You have some leverage. I made it clear that I couldn’t cope with my DH’s weight gain through my actions ( or rather, lack of). He got the hint pretty quickly.

Do you do much together? What do you do? I started doing usually outdoor sports or leisure activities with my husband, every weekend we do something like cycling, hiking, running or swimming, and we walk most days during the week. We like that we can chat and catch up, while getting some exercise. Eventually my DH started running on his own as he got fitter. It is a very common issue that you're having and a shame if the rest of the relationship is good. I think that women are known to care more about their health as we get older so think about whether there is a way you can help him lose weight and also spend time together. Quality time together helps your sex life too.