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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I am so insecure and it's ruining my relationship.. help:(

24 replies

Poppet626 · 14/08/2023 15:20

Hi,
so as you can see from the title I am dealing with some serious insecurity issues which I would say have been worse since dating my boyfriend. I have been in three serious relationships this being the third and yet my boyfriend has never done anything to give me any reason to feel this way - ever. It's getting to the point where it's really effecting my relationship and rightly so.. getting on his nerves.
I am constantly asking him if he really loves me.. or accusing him of not loving me if he doesn't cuddle me or talk to me 24/7.

please don't judge what I am saying as i know i have a problem here and i dont even want to be this way but i literally cannot seem to stop.

The only thing he ever really does without me is tennis once a week , and occasionally a night at the pub with his friends. i get so anxious and worked up about these nights its unreal. I cry, feel anxious and make him feel guilty for going or constantly pester him as to when he will be home. it's obviously waring him down.

i also get anxious about things that havent even happened.. like the thought of him going clubbing out of town or on a lads holiday.. which he's never even spoke about.

I have a very low self esteem and dont think of myself as beautiful and wonder if someone approached him that was then he would obviously cheat because why wouldnt he..

its getting on his nerves but more importantly its taking over my own sanity. i cant relax and i dont even know where this comes from or how to stop it :(

please be kind.. x

OP posts:

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 14/08/2023 15:23

Tbh it sounds like you need professional help with this, OP - it's not normal to feel this way. You will drive him away if you carry on like this.

brokenbitbybit · 14/08/2023 15:24

Are you able to contact your gp and ask to be referred to talking therapy? You really need to build up your self esteem. I know because I feel the same about myself.

Start by positive affirmations, and whenever you have a negative thought about your self, replace it with something kind

RatherBeRiding · 14/08/2023 15:24

You need professional help by the sound of it to combat your anxiety/insecurity - some kind of counselling. Maybe contact your GP surgery to see if they have a list of approved therapists?

Original poster

Poppet626 · 14/08/2023 15:25

brokenbitbybit · 14/08/2023 15:24

Are you able to contact your gp and ask to be referred to talking therapy? You really need to build up your self esteem. I know because I feel the same about myself.

Start by positive affirmations, and whenever you have a negative thought about your self, replace it with something kind

i tried to get myself refered to CBT but they didnt accept me :(

OP posts:

Servalan · 14/08/2023 15:26

Well, obviously you can't sustain a relationship like this...

Have you ever had intrusive thoughts in your life about things other than your relationship?

The rumination and need for constant reassurance sounds very reminiscent of OCD type thinking.

I agree with others about maybe getting some therapy - I think for this type of obsessive thinking, CBT would be the type to go for

Original poster

Poppet626 · 14/08/2023 15:27

i know and it makes me feel like i wont be able to have relationships if this is what im like.

i will try to self refer again for CBT. i dont know what to do but its making me feel so depressed

OP posts:

brokenbitbybit · 14/08/2023 15:27

@Poppet626 are you in a position to pay for it? Or can ask work? I know my workplace has a counselling service that offers 6 free sessions

HeavyRainSoon · 14/08/2023 15:28

I sympathise as I have been exactly where you are with my husband, and its damn near split us up several times..in fact I don't know how we are still together. You need professional help from a therapist/counsellor, it can be all consuming and it will ruin parts of your life. He will start to resent you and that's much harder to recover from, even if he doesn't leave he may start to modify his behaviour around you which is recipe for disaster.

What helped me is resisting the urge to ask when you need reassurance. The more you ask, you more you will need to ask. For anxiety I am on Sertraline which has also helped massively along with therapy.

C1N1C · 14/08/2023 15:32

What do you think is the root of this? Have you been cheated on in the past? Is it depression? Is it a negative body image? Ironically, it's usually the most attractive in society that need constant affirmations because they've literally grown up with it. It's like a drug!

I know it's not this easy, but have you tried 'not' bugging him? I mean, is it an anxiety itch that has to be scratched, or is it more of a reflex in your speech like those who say 'like'?

Is he good otherwise? If you didn't hound him, would he say these things unpressured... or has he not been given that opportunity yet? :)

TheBrightestStarInTheSky · 14/08/2023 15:41

You need to spend some time on your own to become self sufficient, he's just a man for God's sake, you can easily survive without him, unlike oxygen.
I am totally the other way, access to me is a privilege, l love my freedom, I have no interest in dating because l give myself everything l need. Men seem to be attracted this attitude l am a breath of fresh air, but it still doesn't win me over. I earnt my freedom and peace of mind, not giving it all up just for the sake of having a man around.
Prioritise yourself, if you don't nobody else will.

Original poster

Poppet626 · 14/08/2023 15:42

C1N1C · 14/08/2023 15:32

I know it's not this easy, but have you tried 'not' bugging him? I mean, is it an anxiety itch that has to be scratched, or is it more of a reflex in your speech like those who say 'like'?

Is he good otherwise? If you didn't hound him, would he say these things unpressured... or has he not been given that opportunity yet? :)

I really don't know :(

I was cheated on by my first boyfriend but that was a high school relationship that did go into adulthood but my second relationship after that didn't make me feel like this yet he was not as nice as my current boyfriend

Yes he hugs me a normal amount and talks a normal amount but if it's not 24/7 I get anxious :(

He is a good guy and would do anything for me

OP posts:

Original poster

Poppet626 · 14/08/2023 15:48

TheBrightestStarInTheSky · 14/08/2023 15:41

Well that's fair enough saying he is just a man.. but he is my partner who I love. I don't want to end my relationship. I've had times of being single and it didn't help my self esteem

OP posts:

Pebbledashery · 14/08/2023 15:48

No judgement, but in all honesty, do you think you should even be in a relationship with all of these insecurities, it sounds counter productive to any progress you will make dealing with these issues which would be better done on your own.
There is no magic fix I am afraid, you will need either counselling or CBT or just to TRUST that your bf isn't going to do anything to hurt you.
It must be exhausting for him to be with you when you're like this - not trying to be harsh, but I know I would get really fed up of it.

Pebbledashery · 14/08/2023 15:50

Also as someone who has done CBT, it's much better to do it after you've done counselling.
Counselling addresses the trauma and gives you an outlet to talk about it, CBT is about techniques you use to move forward.. I think as a result of your past relationships you should probably look at counselling first. Your relationship doesn't sound healthy at the moment.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 14/08/2023 15:51

This sounds really hard.

I am wondering if it's possible you have BPD? I might be way off, but my best friend has it and is very similar.

Huge hugs.

SpinachSpinachMoreSpinach · 14/08/2023 15:53

Start by reading some books about self esteem. The Six Pillars of Self Esteem is good, but there are many similar books out there. Women Who Love Too Much is very good too.

But you really need ongoing therapy as well. Waiting lists can be long, but I would prioritize investing in this over other things. Some therapists offer lower rates to those on a low income, but make sure that they are accredited. Consider it an investment in your future and a better, more fulfilling life.

And try to accept that you may not be ready for a romantic relationship at this point. Spend time on friendships instead, as well as enriching your life with hobbies and other interests. Read, learn new things, be creative, exercise - build a full life where 'a man' no longer is the centre of your life.

RaidFlySpray · 14/08/2023 15:53

What was your parents relationship like OP?

skinnytobe · 14/08/2023 15:57

How does he react?

I ask. Because my ex husband cheated. I spent 6 years dating and met someone who then got his ex wife pregnant behind my back,

So when I met DP I was very insecure. Self sabotaged at every stage. Found it hard to trust him, or anyone else and he'd never ever given me reason to not trust him.

He was very supportive, gave me reassurance when I needed it, and got to a point he was giving it to me before I needed it because he could sense it, he knew what triggered my insecurities and went out of his way (not replying to messages/phone calls etc) and I overcome it mostly,

I still have little blips now but we talk about it. For example. He works away for two months at a time and this time away he lost nearly 3 stone, spent everyday in the gym and came back looking amazing, where as I'd had a tough few months with my health and he was coming back to a mess (in my head not his lol)

As soon as he got home I told him how I felt and we talked through it and I got over it quickly.

I think how he deals with it with help you a lot, is he supportive?

Original poster

Poppet626 · 14/08/2023 15:57

RaidFlySpray · 14/08/2023 15:53

What was your parents relationship like OP?

It was fine but abit passionless I suppose

They broke up when I was young but stayed friends for us

My mum entered a very physically and emotionally abusive relationship shortly after for several years.

OP posts:

Gnomegnomegnome · 14/08/2023 15:58

He will leave you if you continue like this.

And you will go on to feel like this in all other relationships.

Silvered · 14/08/2023 17:07

He'd be well within his rights to say that it's not his job to fix you, that it's unfair of you to police him and expect constant reassurance.

It must be extremely frustrating and draining for him to be told that the only way you'll be happy is if he's attached by the hip and saying he loves you on a 24 hour loop.

If he was the one posting for advice, I suspect a lot of posters - me included - would be telling him that this is not a healthy relationship and that he should split up with you for his own wellbeing.

I understand the insecurity and constant drip-drip-drip of the nagging doubts. It's an awful feeling. But the truth is that you have to do something about this. If you're not able to access CBT can you pay for private counselling? If that's not possible, look at CBT techniques online and stuff that you can do yourself. It's not fair to him to carry on behaving this way, and it's not a long-term answer for your own self-esteem.

Notimeforaname · 14/08/2023 17:28

Theres is nothing you can do to stop someone cheating on you. It is 100% out of your control and always will be.

What your actual problem is, you dont trust that you can take care of yourself and be ok if he/someone does cheat on you.

So that's where you need to start.

You need to get to a place where you trust that you will not let your world fall down around you because of someone elses actions.

People will hurt us and we will have hard times. Its how we deal with it.

You need to trust yourself.
Have a plan. Have enough going on in your life beside your relationship.

For example, you say when he goes out you spend the whole time crying or calling him...why? You need to be doing other things, not sitting around waiting for him.

Notimeforaname · 14/08/2023 17:32

I too have got into that head space a couple of times in my life op. So I get it.

You constantly need him to reassure you so you dont feel anxious but it only works temporarily.
You have yourself stuck in a loop of wanting him to calm an anxiety that you are producing, clearly due to past experiences.

Try to get in touch with a therapist and have some space regularly where you can simply talk through your worries and past trauma.

Pinkbonbon · 14/08/2023 17:42

My first thought was that it sounds like borderline personality disorder too. But you need to see the right people to diagnose it. Then it can be improved vastly with therapy.

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