To want him to want to see his grandchildren

[Foreverexhausted1]

Hi there. Please can you help me get my thoughts in order. I'm really annoyed and I can't work out if it's justified or not.

My stepmum has 2 children with her exH, both adults and they have families of their own. They do childcare during the week to various extents for both of them. We haven't had any offers of help, we have young children too and a huge nursery bill. It annoys me but there is a whole backstory that I don't want to put on the internet, I've told my dad I'm not happy with it but it won't change for a while yet.

We've recently found out that my dad has been on holiday with one of the families again, that's twice this year. I don't want this to come across like I'm upset because we haven't had a holiday with him - it's not that, this isn't an it's not fair whinge. It's the continuous de-prioritising of my children. They barely see their grandparents more than once a month for a few hours. It hurts my heart to think that because my kids are still small, they don't have any idea their grandparents are so utterly useless with them and will happily spend time with their other grandchildren. I've spoken to him about it before and he says he'll get better at seeing them but nothing happens. When my FIL was dying, we asked them to have the children so we could visit him in the hospital and despite them saying for weeks that if we needed them they would drop everything, whenever we asked they couldn't for a multitude of reasons most of which related to their other grandchildren. My dad did seem sorry but still couldn't help, he never stands up to my stepmum. I was very angry at the time and didn't hold back in telling him what I thought. For context when they had a similar situation with their DIL and one of her parents dying, they dropped everything including cancelling our Christmas celebrations with them as they were needed to look after their grandchildren.

AIBU to be so upset? Does anyone have any advice? My relationship with my dad is getting worse and most of the time I just feel stressed and anxious. If I didn't have the kids I don't think I would see him very much, my siblings don't.

Thanks x

At my dm's wishes my df dumped me and my dc. His loss op.. Same situation for you imo. Be glad your dc aren't seeing such awful people..

You don't sound as if you get on with your SM very much Op, most of your post is wanting your Dad to help and you're blaming your SM because he doesn't. Usually it's the woman who runs the family diary and it's understandable your SM puts her bio children first but if your Dad wanted to help he would,, sadly he's not bothered enough to see your DC unless you make it happen. Your DC know who loves them, get on with your own life and enjoy what you have

Reading between the lines I assume it is your step mother who is child minding. Not your father. I wouldn't expect a step parent to take on more than their own.

Unfortunately this is common.

It sounds to me like it's your step-mum doing all the childcare and your dad only participates as he lives in the same house.

YANBU to be upset with his lack of effort but if your siblings have nothing to do with him it sounds like he's maybe a pretty shit parent all round?

Just reduce contact.
If he can asks you can tell him he doesn’t seem to want to make any effort with your children to have a relationship or to help you out in anyway so you are choosing to leave him to it.
Sadly it sounds like that won’t jolt him into action but at least you can start to try and make peace with him letting you down.

I am not surprised it hurts btw OP. When it’s our kids especially it really kicks.

Thanks everyone. So I've spoken to him about how little time he spends with me and his grandchildren. He seemed to agree he should make more effort but also says he's busy and can't do everything. I pushed him on the amount of time he gives to the other grandchildren and he said it is what it is and it won't change which clearly says to me that my kids will never be a priority. I'm desperately sad for them but it's time to reduce contact, I can't have this battle forever x

Your children won’t miss what they haven’t had.

I understand how you feel, you want your dad to show you that he loves and prioritises you. That’s normal. Coming to terms with that not being the relationship you want is painful.

You know that his words don’t mean anything so for your own sanity and feelings you need to stop asking. Surely you only want your lovely children to spend time with people who actively want to see them rather than feel forced to do so.

I am so sorry to hear this. To me it sounds nothing's going to change so I would stop bothering. It's so unfair but reducing contact will hopefully make you less upset and stressed.