Trauma bond help? All I see is the ‘good’

[Redba]

I’m lay in bed on a workday having called in sick because I just feel so low and I can’t face pretending.

Together 15 years, married 9 - have children together.

I can’t let go. I just can’t. I don’t even think I’m close. I know that I need to. I wouldn’t even be able to write some things on here because of how ashamed I am that I’ve stayed.

I feel I have some responsibility too. I heavily focus on what I could do to turn things around. But I know that I’d never be able to meet him where he wants me.

I’ve read all the books, tried counselling which was wonderful for my own understanding but I stopped going because the conclusions I came to were that I obviously need to leave. The sessions then quickly turned to
how I could take steps towards that and I knew I wasn’t going to.

Why won’t I leave?

we are in a pattern, a cycle. He is kind for a week usually. Not usually more, but has recently gone two weeks. Usually the stress of the kids at the weekend turns things and he flips. Verbally unkind. He strops and sulks. Turns on me if I say anything. Always takes it way too far and name calls and creates an atmosphere.

Sometimes the sulking lasts for days. I hate it. Things usually only improve if I ‘move on’ and act like nothing happened. He expects me to be joyful at all times. I am quite a bouncy happy person most of the time but I do feel his mood changes quite heavily and they do impact on me. I feel really down after one of his outbursts.

This time he shoved me and said move when he wanted to get past me. I had already flinched when he barged in the door. I was stood crying after asking him to
leave the room Because he was name
calling. He then left again to come back and call me more names. We can’t have a conversation about anything. No matter how delicate I approach any subject, he will flip.

He lies a lot and hides things because he doesn’t enjoy conversations. it all feels very shallow.

when he gets nasty I can sometimes say im not talking anymore because it’s spiralling and he will get worse and if we’re in bed and I turn away he has dragged me
to face him a few times.

I do sometimes react and I will get angry when he starts. Because when he’s snapped out of it, he’s kind again. It’s confusing. He will apologise. I get my hopes up. It feels like every time it happens, it feels more painful because I feel so stupid because I believed him again. I always try ti be calm and careful with my words but when I see he has gone and there’s no reasoning and he calls me names and won’t stop I will sometimes shout and scream. I feel like a child.

He is unkind to me. We lost a baby who was conceived by him starting to have sex with me when I was asleep. This happened for a period of time. If I ever brought it up to say I don’t like it. I freeze when it happens and he just finishes and goes back to sleep. He would get angry with me for suggesting it wasn’t consensual and he would have one of his outbursts. The day I got home after giving birth he did it again. I stopped him this time. The only time I had the courage. I was sore. He raged the next day when I said something. He calls her a “rape baby”. And we can’t talk of her.

I try so hard. I know I’m being so so stupid. Their is more than the above and I’m not
Perfect. I’m sensitive and maybe a little needy. His behaviour has made that worse.

I feel attached to him like you would a parent. That sounds weird but I feel like I can’t be without him. I need him to be kind to me and make me feel safe. But it never lasts and every time I have to pick myself up and pretend I’m fine.

Today I can’t. Kids are in childcare and I’ve had to have a day where I don’t have to pretend for a few hours.

I know this is long. I know mumsnetters are brutal and maybe that’s what I’m looking for, because I have no courage and no belief that I’ll ever let go. I don’t want to. I want him to be nice to me. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. Bare minimum.

this is rambly. I’m not doing very well.

He is raping you regularly. He is abusing you, and by default your children.

How can we help you to leave your abuser?

Have you talked to Women's Aid?

Your rapist abusive husband has destroyed your mental health.

Your children will grow up to think this sort of abuse is normal, and become either perpetrators or victims of abuse themselves as they don't know any different.

Whatever about saving yourself, you really need to protect your poor innocent children.

Why are you doing this to your poor children?

I know.
Because most of the time he’s nice. He’s the kind of man who on the surface you’d choose as a partner for your child.
Most of the bad stuff is when the children are in bed. The stuff they see is the moods and the sulking. I don’t like his parenting style but he says I’m too soft and he doesn’t like mine. They probably see name calling and he will call them names
sometimes. Nothing too bad but in a nasty way “you’re selfish” or other things and I always step in then and say that he needs to talk about the behaviour he doesn’t like rather than making it a personal character attack.
he says all the right things and draws me back in until it’s bad again.
I wouldn’t be able to stop him from seeing the kids and so I feel like they’re better here than with him on his own
I honestly don’t know how he would cope. But I’m sure he would and probably would do a better job when he’s the one responsible.
I don’t know. I feel completely incapable of doing what I know I need to do. I had a very unstable childhood and lost a parent as a teenager and the remaining parent left me with a grandparent when they met somebody else a year later. Said grandparent drank and was very aggressive and volatile. I then had a younger brother who I felt responsible for and still do. I feel like I have serious issues that have only really surfaced as my oh has intensified his nasty behaviours and I’m realising how much I cling to people. It’s like the thought of not having him is something I can’t comprehend.
Im not stupid. I know. I can’t ever tell my friends or family anything because I know.
the last few years are a blur and I’m not sure I’ve stepped out of survival mode for a long time. But for me, survival is holding on. I really need to get a grip.

You deserve so much better OP. Visualise peace. Take the support thst is out there. Invest in a stable future. Hand hold.

Please seek Counselling. Someone that specialises in PTSD and Women’s Aid.
Dont take NHS counselling as they are not specialists in all subjects. Not contentious, just no-one is. And also you get maybe 6 or 10 then it ends. It feels like being dumped by a partner you have just become to know. It obviously depends on affordability. Mine is £60 for 50 minutes. I’m 3 years in and still haven’t scratched the surface but to have a professional on your side through it all is life saving.
You are being raped. Say that over and over to yourself. You are being raped. If, prior to dating him you knew he was a rapist would you date him.
You sound like an intelligent, capable woman who has been brought to her knees doubting herself.
Please make yourself and children your priority.
I wish you all the love and happiness you deserve. xx

I stayed for many years after I should have left. I stayed because I didn't have the strength to leave, because the thought of him having parental contact without me was too hard. I get it.
I finally left because he laid hands on my son, it's been fucking hard I wont lie but I'm out the other side and you can be too.
The first step for me was telling someone in real life, for me it was my boss. I was having a chat about something unrelated and just broke down. From there I spoke to occupational health, woman's aid and a couple of local charities.
I am now living a calm life with my children who chose not to see him.
Living in survival mode is exhausting, learning to live without fear is not easy but you can do it. Tell someone a friend, family member whoever you trust, but tell someone get some support please
I wish you all the best

He won’t change, if anything he will get worse because he realises you will tolerate it, so ask yourself if you’re happy living this way forever, because there’s never going to be a day he decides to stay “nice” and stops abusing and raping you, it’s only ever temporary. That’s the way these men operate, they’re nice just enough to give you false hope so you don’t leave, because if they were horrible all the time you’d never stay. You will live in this cycle forever because he won’t stop.

You need to stop deluding yourself that he wants to change, he doesn’t, he treats you this way because he’s an abuser and he knows you will put up with it. He’s not a nice guy that makes some mistakes, he is an abuser who enjoys raping and verbally and mentally abusing you. He won’t change because he doesn’t love you and he doesn’t respect you, if he did he wouldn’t treat you this way. I’m sorry to be blunt, but this is the truth.

If you won’t leave him for yourself do it for your children.

Start reframing the situation. You need to protect your children, not just physically but mentally and emotionally. They will be far more aware of the situation than you realise. You need to get them away from this man.

Please speak to women's aid, your counsellor, anyone you can. Explain the situation and they will help you break the trauma bond (the fact that you realise this is what it is is a massive step, well done!)

I appreciate the responses. I’m still feeling quite desperate. It usually passes quickly but today I’m really struggling.

I can’t seem to connect the person I thought he was and still try to believe he is, with the behaviour that I have to deal with. I separate it. That he’s made another ‘mistake’.

I know it was rape. Because the first time was in the early hours after an argument. That’s why it shocked me. I’d gone to sleep very upset. I just froze wondering what was happening as his demeanour was unnerving. I thought he was maybe asleep. It was robotic. I brought I up the next day and he did know what I was talking about but when I said that I wasn’t comfortable with it because if I’m asleep I can’t give consent he got angry. I said from then on to please not do that again because it scared me. It only happened a few more times after I lost my daughter, and hasn’t happened for a few years now. I got a bit more confrontational about it and a bit more sure that he was wrong. He tried to pretend for a while that he didn’t
know he was doing it.

It’s been a blur. I was very unwell at one point but I’m doing better.

I think I should get therapy. I agree with every person who has commented but it’s like I’m frozen. I’m so desperate to keep my family but it really is a shit show. I think the last few months have been less intense. He’s not sulked for as long and he’s apologised quicker and it’s just not been as bad, although still up and down. So this latest behaviour has really rocked me. I was getting hopeful that we were making progress.

I really wanted to make it work. But I can’t. It’s like asking for wings isn’t it. I need to accept that. I can’t make it happen.

Oh love.

It’s clear you have massive abandonment/attachment issues stemming from your childhood. You deserved better than, and you deserve better now.

It feels so frightening, but all you have to do is take one step at a time. Do you feel like you could talk to Women’s Aid? Just a call, nothing else and talk to them?

Better then*

So sorry...

It's really hard when you are in it you know it's bad but you just don't want it to end at the same time and you hope.

You are in a cycle and you need to get out of it. What he has done to you and is doing is wrong, there's no other way to dress that.

I too stayed, took everything and hoped but it didn't matter. They do not change and it doesn't get better. As much as it ending destroyed me at the time I can now see it much clearer.

Please do not think your children will benefit from staying and keeping the family together. It affects them too in the long term.

You need to get support, advice and distance. It's not instant but the bond will weaken and break with distance and time.

Oh op. I was in a relationship exactly like this, he forced me to have 2 children of his. I only managed to leave after a full breakdown and had lots of medical professionals involved. I'm so sorry.

It's hard to think k of what I would have needed to hear to leave, I can't think of anything apart from your children NEED you to leave. They need it more than anything. Be their saviour.

And another thing, the freedom that comes after is liberating. It's so nice not to need anyone, least of all an abuser.

I wish you and your children so much happiness, and it is achievable.

My eldest thinks he’s great. She would be heart broken. But I do know she has seen things she shouldn’t have done and I really wish this wasn’t her example of a marriage.
God, the idea of sharing the kids is painful. Sharing Christmas. Co-parenting with him would be awful. He always puts himself first.
I need a break. I need space to think. Their is no space. Right now my eldest is sat playing on a game making irritating noises in a strange voice and my insides are boiling. He’s sulking and moping around.
I want to just run away. Theirs no space to just be. I have to constantly ‘perform’ wnf
pretend I’m ok. I know that’s what we have to do as parents but it’s very hard right now.

Bless you, I've been there, was in an abusive relationship for 5 years I finally left 2 weeks after we had our son as he attacked me worse than ever before and I just went never looked back, this was before my son was registered so he isn't on birth certificate and isn't allowed contact etc so I know I'm at an advantage there. I was like you I lived for the nice side of him even though it never lasted. Walking on egg shells is no way to live and you'll be in constant fight flight or freeze which is an awful way to feel and draining on your mind and body. You have to leave when you are ready but I'll say when you do come out the other side you will feel a new lease of life and so will your children, try to focus less on the sharing parenting and the long term side of it and think about what's the safest option right now.

Wishing you all the best x x

I’m an idiot. You be cried for an hour or so asking him to be kind to me and he’s just eye rolled and called me annoying.
I know it must be annoying.
he tried to say sorry but I said I know you’re not. I know when he is, his whole demeanor Changes. he doesn’t like that I haven’t just accepted it and “moved on”. Apparently I blow everything out of
proportion and never let anything go.

I feel like leaving in the night. Im a shell of a human. I have no self respect or dignity left. Im begging an excuse of a man to be kind to me.

My eldest saw and heard a lot, so did the youngest. They still care and love their mum but the eldest is also scared and can't be honest. So in a way is also toeing the line, whereas with me opens up and talks about it and feelings.

But yeah that's the problem there's no break from it and everything grates on you because you're already in overdrive, at your limit. If you weren't probably wouldn't bother you so much.

You are perhaps like me in constant fight or flight mode, which is supposed to be short lived but it's going round the clock. Hyper vigilant.

My situation is complicated and utter shit show right now but I am five months out. Although it's bad in other ways and I'm struggling it's really refreshing just being without that constant character you're supposed to play.

Have you got family you can go to or for support?

"Because most of the time he’s nice. "

That's not true OP. He is absolutely horrific. So sorry.

You could walk into a police station, OP, and tell them these things if you just want help now. Visualise doing it.

If not that, can you at least tell a family member? You need support.

Leaving is exactly what you need to do. You've obviously reached a point where you have recognised that you can't take any more of him.

Have you got money you can use to leave?

One of the four things people do when in danger is fight, flight, fawn or freeze.

Your behaviour is pretty normal for someone living on egg shells.

I just want to put out that of course abusers act nice sometimes... if they were nasty all the time then no one would want them. It's the nasty nice and punishing that gets him to train you for the lack of a better word.

When you have a moment to yourself, maybe on secret mode google why does ypu do that free pdf. Have a read and see if you recognise him as one of the descriptions given.

I strongly recommend you talk to women's aid. You can ring or you can chat to them via web.

Your whole body os screaming at you to get out. Listen to it before you have a breakdown. You've already admitted your kids have been exposed to a lot of it. Do you want your daughter to repeat your lofe? End up with a carbon copy of your rapist abusive husband because she knows no bettter.

I'm so sorry you've lost both parents, in different ways. There has been no one to rescue you... but you can rescue yourself. You have a choice to be there, your kids do not. Please get away and allow themselves the childhood you didn't have. Also for yourself. You deserve better lovely
You have to be strong
Stronger than you've ever been but you can do this. Keep posting here. You've got this. I'll be thinking of you.

Sorry why does he do that lundy Bancroft pdf