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Relationships

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Original poster

In love but the timing is wrong

24 replies

abracadabra02 · 14/08/2023 13:43

I honestly believe I have met the love of my life and he too feels the same. However, we are both not long out of long term relationships. We are still young me 30 and him 29.. and we were with our ex's both since we were teens. We have been seeing eachother casually for about 4 months, in constant contact, meeting up once or twice a week going for walks along the beach or just sitting out in peace in eachothers company talking. It was our happiest place, just in eachothers company. We connect on every level a relationship should. We know we are in love and want this relationship together but... we both feel we should give ourselves time before jumping into something that we want long term with eachother. In his eyes, he wants what we have, and see's only me as his future, he says he knows how he feels and that we are everything he wants.. but, he wants to go from it for a couple of months, take his time to be himself (after been in such a long relationship prior) because he knows that would cause us problems if he doesn't do that now. It's nothing to do with getting out their with other women or anything like that, he just wants to experience life being 'free' to do his own thing and is ok with doing this because he says 100% when he feels ready for commitment that it'll be me he wants to come back to. I agree with this, we both should experience life out of a relationship but my fear is the space and what if we don't come back together or if distance changes feelings. I believe what's meant to be will be, and agree that we should do this but how? How do u do that when in love with someone? Has anyone done this and come back together after some time? Nice words only please 🙏

OP posts:

crumpet · 14/08/2023 13:49

If you don’t give him the space it might fall apart anyway, so you have nothing to lose.

it might also be good for you too, as long as you don’t spend the time counting down the days etc. get out and do things for you - feel single and enjoy it. If after a break you both feel the same, then that’s great!

Original poster

abracadabra02 · 14/08/2023 14:15

crumpet · 14/08/2023 13:49

If you don’t give him the space it might fall apart anyway, so you have nothing to lose.

Hi Crumpet. Thank you for taking the time to respond. I agree. He himself could feel it starting to bother him. He is so in love with me, I know it and he does too but we both new that it was in his head that he needed to take the time to himself and in his words, when we come back together, there will be no doubts and be ready to fully commit. I admire him for respecting what we have enough to not just carry on and then in 2 or 3 months, it be ruined because he never took the time he needed. It's mature and so admirable of him but it doesn't help but make me feel, am I not enough or is he going to end up seeing someone else in this time. I know that could happen both ways, but right now, all I see in my future is him..the space definitely will do us both good and be more sure of ourselves come the time. Do you think it would be better to cut contact and if we come back together then great, or keep in touch? We've actually tried both
.we just keep coming back to eachother but the cutting contact has avoided us wanting to arrange to see eachother so may be the better option for the time being.

OP posts:

MsMarple · 14/08/2023 17:15

Sorry in advance for my cynicism… but all this angst and love-of-my-life but I need space stuff is a bit too intense to be real, especially for a relatively short and casual once-or-twice-a-week relationship between adults.

My fear is that you will be strung along for ages giving him space to explore other people and waiting patiently to be picked up again as and when it suits him if nothing more exciting comes along. This would be disastrous for your self esteem.

Personally I’d let him go right now - no calls no hook ups nothing - and get on with having a fun fulfilling life. Do not promise to wait for him!

LuckOfTheDrawer · 14/08/2023 17:42

I feel a bit cynical too I think - if you really are meant to be together, then you'd be doing that.

Susieb2023 · 14/08/2023 17:46

It sounds like you’re not so keen on this ‘time apart’ but he is. So the power imbalance within your relationship is there. He is calling the shots and you’re possibly going to go along with it to keep him happy.

I know this sounds harsh but experience has taught me not to trust these sorts of phrases. I can’t imagine for one minute if I was truly besotted and ‘in love’ I’d want time out to ‘find myself’. I certainly wouldn’t risk losing that kind of relationship.

I hate to say it but I think you need to let him go, I think it’s entirely possible he’ll come back but personally I think he’ll do this again and waste your time.

But I’m older, another cynic, and seen this way too many times.

Can’t help but feel you deserve better.

MentholLoad · 14/08/2023 17:46

LuckOfTheDrawer · 14/08/2023 17:42

I feel a bit cynical too I think - if you really are meant to be together, then you'd be doing that.

I agree too

Corcra · 14/08/2023 17:48

Yeah I'm cynical too.
If I was you, I'd be getting on with my life. Having fun, meeting people etc.
No contact or at least very low contact.
If ye do meet in the future, so be it but I wouldn't be waiting around.

Hoppinggreen · 14/08/2023 17:48

I agree with other posters.
If you were both completely in love as you say you would want to be together.

CurlewKate · 14/08/2023 17:48

Don't forget contraception, will you? Every time and in your control.

Aworldofwonder · 14/08/2023 17:53

Listen to that Beautiful South song 'A Little Time'.

There's no way I'd be hanging about. Tell him fine, let's take 3 months and block him everywhere so he can't find out anything about you.

Put him out of your head. If he wants another chance he will be battering you front door down and if he doesn't he was never really in it anyway.

Redwinestillfine · 14/08/2023 18:00

That old saying 'if you love him let him go, if he loves you he'll come back'

Shesheadingonin · 14/08/2023 18:00

Timing wasn’t great for me either! Divorced for 6 months but still living in the same house and about to move out. I kept telling myself that I needed a break as I was with ex-DH for over 20 years. However, when you fall in love, you don’t let something great go so easily. So whilst I knew I needed time to myself, I also had a wonderful bf who was patient and supportive. No way was I about to let that go. I still have a lot of time to myself, I don’t feel any restriction having a bf so being ‘free’ is a bit of a weird comment. A partner should complement your lifestyle, not pose restrictions. 2 years on and very happy.
Perhaps as a compromise, don’t be in each other’s pockets, but take things slowly, speak regularly and date but have your own lives, see friends and do things separately too. But sounds like he’s calling the shots here, not something you fully agree with which would make me let him go if he feels I’d be cramping his style. Of course he wouldn’t say that, but that is how I would feel.

YoSof · 14/08/2023 18:28

If he wanted to be in a relationship with you, he would be. It really is that simple.

What he’s asking you to do is wait for him while he does what he wants and sees what else is out there. Respect yourself enough to walk away.

Hellsbellsandspidersankles · 14/08/2023 18:36

It's nothing to do with getting out their with other women or anything like that, he just wants to experience life being 'free' to do his own thing and is ok with doing this because he says 100% when he feels ready for commitment that it'll be me he wants to come back to
Balls. Sorry, but this is utter nonsense.

CurlewKate · 14/08/2023 18:36

"That old saying 'if you love him let him go, if he loves you he'll come back'"

That old saying coming straight from the heart of the patriarchy.....

Hellsbellsandspidersankles · 14/08/2023 18:37

CurlewKate · 14/08/2023 18:36

"That old saying 'if you love him let him go, if he loves you he'll come back'"

That old saying coming straight from the heart of the patriarchy.....

Who would want him back after he’s exhausted all other possibilities, anyway?

CurlewKate · 14/08/2023 18:39

I always said to my children that you need to be with someone who can't wait to see you. Whose face lights up when they are with you, and would travel an hour to see you for 10 minutes.

Bigcushion · 14/08/2023 18:42

If he wanted to be with you he would. Shagging around for a bit is more important to him than being with you right now.
Onwards!

TheFallenMadonna · 14/08/2023 18:44

My husband and I met aged 19. We lived about 5 hrs apart for 4 years (21 - 25) because of courses/jobs. We didn't want not to be together though. We just did what we wanted to do, seeing each other about once a month, letting things develop. There is relationship space between casual dating and full commitment.

ActDottie · 14/08/2023 18:54

I met my husband four months after a long term relationship ended. I kept telling myself I didn’t want to be with him because I wanted some time being single! But obviously that didn’t happen! If you’re meant to be together then you’re meant to be. But I agree with others that I’m a bit cynical about your situation because if you both want to be together you make it work.

Watchkeys · 14/08/2023 20:20

Let him go. He doesn't want to be with you right now, and right now is all you have. You can't build a happy love life on someone promising to be your perfect partner another day.

Olika · 14/08/2023 20:42

I think you both should do your own things and maybe you cross paths along the line but don't wait for him.

Hedgehog23 · 14/08/2023 20:48

Maybe it will all work out beautiful, but maybe you will be left dangling. I think you would need to go into a separation with the idea that you wouldn’t necessarily get back together. Otherwise you might be hanging on for someone who isn’t coming back. He might come back, but I tend to think he would stay if he really wanted to and forgo the being single bit.

Rockschooldropout · 14/08/2023 20:58

It’s not wrong timing - he’s feeding you a line because he wants to go out and sample the other wares as it were while hoping you’ll be his convenient fallback girl
if he was “so in love with you “ he wouldn’t want to lose you …. He’s spinning you a line to keep you from moving on while he does just that .. whilst also keeping you on the back burner ..
Tell him to crack on and sever contact .. if he’s genuine he’ll batter your front door down .. if not .. the. You’ll know…
block him everywhere and I mean everywhere otherwise he’ll be attempting to make contact every so often which won’t be helpful

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