Struggling to see the way DH is treated by his family

[vibecheck]

I can’t say too much about specific situations as I fear it would be outing, but I just wanted to know if anyone has been in a similar situation and Chas any advice on how to manage it.

My DH is a lovely man. He’s so loyal and kind, he’s generous with his time and money and advice. He would do anything for his family - in the past he’s leant and gifted money, driven all around the country to help out by driving them to a holiday destination, would really do anything any of them asked. And he gets taken advantage of. They don’t give him a second thought. One sibling didn’t even manage to send him a birthday card this year. They all take the piss out of him when they’re together - there’s always a joke at his expense. They’re happy to take and take and yet when the moment comes for them to show him support or care or respect, they fail.

It just breaks my heart for him but he can’t see it. He just says excuses and “that’s the way they are, I know they love me, I’m happy with the relationship.” I think they do love him in their way but they’re all so selfish and unthinking that they can’t see how wrong their behaviour is. I think at this point the relationships feel almost abusive. How can I help my husband realise he’s putting too much energy into these relationships? Or do I just let him get on with it? I’m worried that one day soon I’m going to lose my cool with them and speak my mind, but I don’t think my husband would like that.

I had an ex boyfriend like that. The girlfriend before me stood up in front of all of them at a family meal and said “the way you treat him is disgusting” and they drove back to London. Never met her but she sounded great. They were abit better after that.

This is tough. Ideally it’s best for you DH to start to recognise the toxic behaviour and learn strategies to manage it.

I think if you do say anything it should be direct accurate and not aggressive or passive aggressive. Eg - “I noticed none of your sent bob a card. I thought that was sad given he lent you money last week and drove your sister to the hospital. I was just shocked at so little thought being given to him”. I wouldn’t expect your comments to make a difference to them though. That why it needs to come from DH ideally.

I haven’t been in this situation, but I have perhaps given a lot to some people in the past who were not there for me/ were not very reciprocal. I found Bianca Sparacino’s podcast (In Your Feelings) very helpful. It helped me come to a few realisations. She has an episode on learning to protect your energy and set boundaries. Maybe your DH would be willing to listen.