Splitting money

[Plsfixx]

Feeling a bit resentful about this but would be keen to know if I’m being unfair.

Been together with DP for about 18 months. I earn about 25% more but have more expenses so less disposable income. DP mainly stays at mine which is a new arrangement that works for both of us. The increase in bills is negligible and we both pay for our own places so not really an issue.

we have made various noises about splitting food etc but not yet got round to it. At present I’ve bought most groceries over the last fortnight but will suggest that DP buys the next lot.

issue is around the fact that DP has a taste for fine wines so will buy a us a blow out bottle when we are out and about, which I will enjoy but probably wouldn’t have bought had it been my choice. It will be DP’s treat but then I find myself compensating just offering to pay for the next thing or paying for taxis or just generally trying to go above and beyond next time. I can’t keep up!

im trying to be more careful due to a recent uptick in personal expenses but find myself nervous about not treating DP or being generous… DP has always been fairly generous but is being more careful too now and definitely offering to pay less. I find myself stepping in and again just can’t afford it.

im thinking of just saying let’s split everything from now on (other than paying for our own places) - but what do I do when he wants a fancy bottle and orders to pay? I really don’t want to do that anymore as I feel like I end up paying more back (eg by buying the next meal out or equivalent things) for something I wasn’t really that fussed about to begin with…

Um, talk to him?

I mean, if he buys expensive wine, you don't have to spend the same back. surely it's a just a "ooh, this is super fancy but you know when it's my turn I'm getting that £8 bottle of merlot right?!"

And if he's offering to pay less, and you can't afford to pay more, say that.

Also, it's ridiculous that he's living rent free in your house. You say he has his own bills - is that because his house is empty while he's staying at you? But his energy/water/gas etc will all have gone down while he's staying at yours. And it's completely unacceptable he's not paying at least half of the food bills. Especially if money is tight for you.

Thanks. Yep I’ll suggest DP pays the next couple of weeks grocery bills which will make us even.

I’m not really sure I can charge DP for bills as the impact is negligible and also they would rather we spent more time at theirs. Perhaps we just split our time better from now on

You mention that it's OK that it's not really an issue that he doesn't contribute to your bills...becayse he has his own place to think of.

Look, on principle, if I'm over at my long term partners for the majority of the week, I would be asking to contribute to her bills. At the very least I would buy ALL the groceries. As I'm at her house, running up her bills.

It's valid respect.
Irregardless of whether or not her bills gave greatly increased. I wouldn't even ask that.

Don't let him take the piss.
As pp has said - talk to him. Tell him you aren't going to fork out for expensive plonk. Amd that if he's staying the majority of time in your home, he needs to start thinking about contributing to the household. Don't be a pushover.

It's a massive red flag that he hasn't considered the impact of his habits on your spending, nor suggested that he pay for groceries.

If he wants to drink expensive wine then he should pay for it.

*basic respect

I think its a worry when a partner doesn't consider how you might be feeling about these things op. It may suggest he isn't an empathetic person. That he is straight up selfish. So, be careful.

Thanks, some food for thought here.

this new arrangement has been going on for less than a month so it’s early days. Previously we split our time and we would both buy food for our own places. I think this is what DP is expecting will continue. We have just happened to spend more time at my place recently, at my convenience really

Yes, its funny how its always you that ends up paying more unless its something he really really wants. So rent bill free at your place and he doesn't even offer to pay his share of food. MASSIVE red flag
These things don't happen by accident.

In the first few months he was super generous and would offer to pay for most things, regularly treated me.

I think if it's just been one month and it's more situational, I'd let it go. But th issue is that it's on top of you feeling a bit pinched anyway and like you can't spend willy nilly while out and about.

So, if you go back to spending time equally at each other's places, let the food shopping go for now. But do have a conversation about overall finances and you're finding the spending a bit much and would like to cut back.

@GingerIsBest thank you I think you have summed it up perfectly. He really is not stingy or a freeloader. He would rather I moved in with him actually and didn’t pay rent / just bills - so it would have been me benefiting from that arrangement, the whole him staying at mine was really for my convenience. I’m just stressed because I’m having to cut back especially on treats / meals out and can’t afford to pitch in for the fancy wines or reciprocate in kind anymore.

Paying for your own things is the only fair way. If he spends time at yours, you buy the food, if you spend time at his, he buys the food, providing you stay at each others houses an even amount.

If you can’t afford to reciprocate just be honest about your finances, no one should be struggling whilst trying to keep up with a certain lifestyle.

My DP is at mine most of the time but still runs his own home for his kids. He gives me food money all the time, buys loads of food and pays for probably more than half of what we do. We don't tot it up but it definitely feels fair and I would never have to ask him.

But this is 18 months in.

So the first few months aren't really relevant.
That was when he was trying to impress you in the early days.

What you're seeing now is someone who us encouraging you to live beyond your means. Who is not considering you.

Out of curiosity, do you also feel compelled to drink more than usual because he is doing this? So he isn't wasting money or having to drink it all himself? Just asking as that would also be a red flag.

@Pinkbonbon no I don’t

@coolcahuna yep DP pays for food when we are at his. He does pay for probably half of what we do as well, it’s just skewed because of these fancy outings.

I don’t know if this adds any helpful context but we are both higher earners without dependants. So a decent amount of disposable income each.