Why do abusers with narcissistic behaviour re-write history and do they know they are doing it?

[Whydothat1]

My ex is busy discussing our marriage with our daughter. He is only picking out the good bits and completely re writing the parts which make him look bad.

Im just wondering if they genuinely see things differently or if they know they are bad but purposefully lying?

He appears to have developed severe amnesia and is delusional. In his version of the marriage he is innocent and has no ideas about what he has done. (Despite being judged differently at court) they were against him etc.

Do they really believe what they say. He has no comprehension of what he did to me or how his behaviour effected me. He is the hero apparently.
I’m not bothered by it because I know what happened but just wondering why they do this.

@Whydothat1 ...they repeat their own narrative to themselves again and again until they genuinely believe their own story and not the actual truth!!!!....and you cannot reason with them...even with proof shown to them they will still believe their new made up narrative

Because they have to believe their own versions of themselves-the truth would be too hard for them to live with.
Dh's ex wife does this exactly. Even when confronted with evidence (emails she herself sent for example) she will not accept any account of events if they don't fit her own narrative about herself. These people are literally impossible to argue with and so we have learned there is no point.

What would the truth be?

Everyone rewrites history. Everyone is the star of their own life. There are at least three sides to every story. His side, your side and the truth.

Narcissistically do what they need to survive. It’s innate to them to manipulate and lie, then they twist things to make themselves the victim. IME it comes from what they tell other people until they reach the point where they think what they tell others is the truth. They can’t take responsibility for their actions.

My ex MIL does this. For her, she cannot accept that she has ever been at fault. It’s always someone else’s fault. So she changes things in her mind until she’s the victim. It’s difficult to know what she believes any more. For example - she tells people her marriage broke down because her H was always working, doing over time. She was lonely and someone else was there for her so she cheated with him. Others would say her H had to work all those hours because she had a spending problem! So she tells people she was lonely to garner sympathy and understanding. Never mind the reasons why.

You’ll never truly understand how their mind works, it’s just easier to distance yourself.

Because the drive to preserve identity is one of the strongest human drives. We are what we do. Therefore when we do something bad the mind has two options; to accept a new identity as a bad person, or to rework the memory of the bad thing and preserve the identity.

Our minds aren’t equipped to deal with two opposing realities. Do one has to go. The psychological term is cognitive dissonance.

It's because for whatever reason likely trauma they cannot be at fault in any way. So any form of criticism or blame, even when it's not present is an attack. Everyone must be to blame, there's a reason that means they are not to blame.

This goes further because they do deep down actually believe their lies as truth, so to them they are telling the truth even though it's not true. This is why they are believed, it's convincing because they believe it.

They rewrite their entire past to fit this narrative because it avoids blame. You could have shared events with this person and they will rewrite it as it never happened. They do not process information the same as everyone else, events, conversations or messages. If you write a long message to them they will pick out parts. Same with conversations they don't absorb the entire sentence only parts.

They know deep down it's untrue, they know deep down their actual timeline but the overwhelming need to be the person they are portraying outweighs this and they will doubt down over and over regardless of evidence.

Along with this they change who they are frequently and rewrite to fit that new image. Have you ever noticed they pick up behavior or sayings from other people and use it themselves as if they always have done, this is that. They idolize strangers who they like and align themselves to them.

And of course, because they can't be wrong they are always the victim. It's like DARVO on crack.

@Somanycats Im not convinced of this. If someone throws something at you that is the fault of the person throwing it. Saying you made me and trying to avoid blame is re-writing, or denying completely. There is one truth surely?

@JibbaJab yes to changing their identity. Mine is with another lady and has had a personality transplant, the way he dresses and the things he does have done a 180.

@Whydothat1 That's shitty, sorry. It is a total mind fuck and nobody believes you...

Mine too changed in an instant right in front of me and went into rage. Now, totally new person and new life I don't exist. She has taken the house, money and our children. Has reinvented herself as a lone parent with a totally different personality.

Because it works

We'll see about that. My snake has learned nothing about me in all these years. 😉

We all need to be aware that our recall is not 100% and re write our own story.

I find writing a daily journal to be useful to keep me honest.

According to my ex he is flabbergasted and shocked that I left him. The only reason I would possibly leave him is because I fell for another man while he was working overtime for his family.

Money issues could be over come if another man wasn't involved.

He is 100% innocent according to him.

Reality is the only interaction I had with men was at work and ds2 teacher. I only started the healthcare assistant job in March of this year and the spilt happened in April.

No mention of the fact he took £300 worth of bill money and he was behind on rent. Despite earing 80k a year and I did band 2 job, whenever other people helped me with childcare.

Last year during our house move, I found out that he had cleared our savings. He told dc then that he had neglected me and been a bad husband, ds1 help me convince your mom to take me back.

I still hate him for that. I felt I had to bring him back for ds1. It didn't last long. He stole bill money and went behind on rent. Ds2 has autism and he struggled with the move last year, not to mention the school move.
I had to priorities not losing our rented house for the dc.

Yet, the kids ask me about when they can meet their stepdad after seeing their father. I have no other man. I just wanted my kids to have stability and not wait until we become homeless.

He says, I never risked their home, look they still live there. Yes, only because I took action.
He cancelled the last direct debit for the dc after school activity. I hate him. I decided it is not my job to understand him. I just get worried whenever he has the dc. What other nonsense is he telling them?