Trauma Bond

[LucyLoo569]

Hi,
I'm hoping they'll be some advice out there for me on how to get myself out of this trauma bond I have with my ex.

The abuse (I still feel a fraud saying it) has built up slowly overtime and in hindsight we should of never bought a house together but I always thought it was going to get better.

I finally made the decision to end things but he's using the house sale and my dream of having a family against me everyday. When I wanted a baby he said we needed to be in a better place and now I'm getting stronger on my own he's saying he wants a baby and that is what I should be focusing on - rather than being single. I can't keep up with it - one minute I'm a s**g and he wouldn't put a baby in it - next it's my fault.

To put it in to perspective I told him over and over again how much I wanted to start a family and he always made me feel like I had to jump through hoops.
I'm so fed up of feeling like I can't escape - drawn in to his niceness because I'm still in love with him. Him delaying the house going up for sale , ignoring me when I want to talk about it - his excuse is 'is that all you care about?'

I'm in contact with a DV charity but I don't know what else I can do.

TIA

All I can suggest is putting as much space between you and him as possible. I knew this was how my ex would behave so I moved as far away as I could.
Are a list of things you have to finalise with him —- house sale? Then against ea ch one write how you can put distance. House sale should be dealt with by an estate agent and a solicitor so no direct contact between the two of you is necessary.
where are you living atm? .

@Andthereyougo Hi, I'm still living in the house currently as I have no where else to go and I can't afford anywhere else as I'd still need to pay my part of the mortgage. I try and keep busy and out of the way as much as possible

You need to talk to the DV charity again and perhaps seek counselling.

Make sure your contraception is both rock solid and in your possession at all times.

Read up on grey rock technique and every time he mentions a baby, use that technique. Have you ever seen a dog that's been clicker trained? They obey a set signal every single time because they know it leads to good things? This is what he's doing with you. It's bobbins, he's just trying to mess with your head and trap you.

Staying in the house is doing you no good at all, can you go and stay with friends or family, even for a few days to get some distance?

Sorry you're struggling.

You need to get distance from him, it won't go unless you go. The longer you are in it the harder it is to break, distance breaks it, albeit slowly.

Intermittent reinforcement, he's nice to you then he's nasty to you, nice then bad. It's a cycle and you get addicted to it. You know it's not right but you stay. This is what is happening, you try to pull away he's being nice to keep control. It makes you doubt everything including yourself.

Don't have a baby with someone like this because trust me it gets worse over time and you are then tied forever and they can then continue even after you leave and hurt you through the children.

The best thing you can do is get away and although that bond will still be there and it's hard to process you will after a certain amount of time become more like yourself again and you will see everything clear as day.

@LaviniasBigBloomers I've got a few nights away planned and I'm going on holiday on my own for a few days.

How do you know if they're being honest though? Like mine is now saying he wants to give me the world. I'm so worried that if I stay strong I'm missing out on everything I ever wanted.

Obviously can't say for sure as I don't know him only from what I learned.

They generally say and promise things that don't align with their behavior towards you. They future fake to keep you going and yeah you may very well at some point have that if you stayed. The problem is you don't want that with someone who treats you that way, you want that with someone who doesn't treat you like that.

If I was him there's no way I would call you names like that or say something like I'm not putting a baby in it. I wouldn't speak to any woman that way let alone my partner.

I take it this is a recurring issue and he's been this way other times too?

@JibbaJab Yes it's been a recurring issue...along with some physical stuff when he gets really angry in an argument. The last time was a month ago - but nothing since. There's been a few other bits aswell in the past like not being sure what he wants and talking to other girls behind my back (not friends)

But I tried to forgive and forget to move forward

You are not missing out on everything you ever wanted. You are escaping a toxic and abusive relationship which will STOP you getting everything you ever wanted.

He sees that you're about to escape and he's trying to reel you back in. It's all part of the game.

Look, I tell you what, I'll make a deal with you. When you're away, read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and start The Freedom Programme, which is a 12 week course you can do online.

If you come back from your time away thinking everything is great and his abuse, gaslighting and control is A-OK with you, then go back to him. It's only a case of waiting a couple of weeks. Do a bit of the work, then look at your relationship in that context, then decide if you want it or not.

If not, then it's time to leave.

All different types of abuse of course but if you've already reached physical I wouldn't stay. Has he hurt you physically?

I stayed multiple times and I've come to regret it now.

@LaviniasBigBloomers thank you, I’ll look into the freedom online program. I have tried to apply for the sessions in person before but I didn’t hear back.

@JibbaJab Hes pushed me over ,had his hands round my throat a few times. He says i antagonise him which leads him to it. He’s never hit or punched me.

He says that his behaviour with liking girls photos and talking to them etc was because his mum left and apparently that means men from that background always crave attention from other women.

@LucyLoo569 No, get away. He's a wrongun.

I've had all this shit with my wife and I brushed it aside and took it on the chin and thought oh, just issues, rough patch, childhood issues, it will get better. It didnt she ended up doing worse. Not once did I retaliate. Decent men don't hurt women or force themselves on women.

You are not responsible for other people's behavior, you can't make people act or do things that's all on them.

Children do not fully understand they live very much in the moment up to a certain age and they forget things. Although my children love and adore her they are also scared of her, my eldest is scared to be honest with her.

You need to get away, you shouldn't settle with someone like that just for a family unit. You could have a family unit that is healthy and with someone who actually treats you right, and your children would benefit for it too.

Op I’m almost certain that you post about this regularly under different user names.

Its not fair to do that as people are giving you advice without knowing the full background.

He is abusive. He does not give a shit about you and only shows interest when he thinks your about to pull away from him. You need to get out of that house and force a sale, you can’t heal while you’re with him and why on earth would you consider having a child with such an abusive man?!

You’re*

This man is a repellent animal. He is a disgusting, abusive pig. Run run run run run.

Is everything you ever wanted an abusive man who will more than likely end up getting violent and cheating on you once the pressure is really on with a baby? Because that is what you are going to get if you don't get out. You need to be calling the police on this vicious, malicious, controlling and manipulative thug not contemplating staying with him

Stay strong, guys like him don’t change. They promise the world and it lasts weeks if that. You want to bring a child into this? A father with an anger issue, physical violence. Women are at most danger when pregnant and I suspect that’s when things would start getting bad again. Don’t put yourself through it

Just read your last comment, hands round your throat. This guy will kill you, that’s not even an exaggeration but if he’s putting his hands round your throat one day he will go too far. Please get as far away from him as you can, run and don’t look back. You deserve better and to feel safe, not knowing when he will kick off again

Hes pushed me over ,had his hands round my throat a few times. He says i antagonise him which leads him to it. He’s never hit or punched me.

If you think him not punching you makes the violence less worrying, you're wrong. Strangulation incidents are known to be a strong indicator of future lethal violence.

The possibility of him actually killing you by throttling you even if that's not his immediate intention is high, because your throat is such a vulnerable spot. Please don't downplay this behaviour.

You need to get away from him.

https://www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/from-awareness-to-action/202212/why-strangulation-should-be-taken-so-seriously