Help fix a marriage?

[midnightmusings]

Wrote a long post then lost it.

What do you do when your marital relationship is miserable and full of bickering including in front of our toddler. Tried online counselling, £500 down, nothing changed. No major problems (alcohol drugs debt etc). Feel like we are in a parent/child or employer/employee patten, I'm asking for things like him to do more housework, he's refusing or being passive aggressive. I'm the bigger earner and still get left with most housework, he does some jobs sometimes but certain jobs he knows I hate but still won't touch. Intimacy is long gone, respect and empathy seem to be following after. I can't leave as don't want to be away from toddler and he'll fight for custody, also I feel we should be able to manage together and things won't be easier apart. We are older parents, mortgaged to retirement, both working full time, paying full childcare as no family nearby, it is hard work but surely it doesn't have to break us? What can I do to improve things please?

Can you afford to hire some help like a cleaner etc.?
It doesn’t fix the fact he doesn’t help enough but by the sounds of it he’s never going to. If you can’t change him and don’t want to end things you need to find ways to live with it.

Have face to face counselling with someone who specialises in couples therapy. Get a cleaner. If these things don’t help it really sounds like you should split up.

I very much doubt he will get custody, especially if you are the main carer and he does little round the house. Get some legal advice as well. In fact, start with that.

I think you need to plan for it to end, so to start I’d be making sure your wage and child benefit goes into your own bank account first, then DD money across as necessary.
And just because he fights for 5o % doesn’t mean he will actually want to parent that much.
Then I’d try one more time. Face to face counselling, get a cleaner, and go for dates/weekends away.

Reading your post, it doesn't sound salvageable, especially where alcohol is thrown in mix.

start planning to end it.

you will be happier without the aggro of his behaviour in your in your life.

It sounds as though you've got a lot of financial pressures especially with childcare costs. This should ease, assuming you're in the UK and will be able to get free childcare hours at some point.
Having a toddler is stressful, you've not got over the impact of broken sleep etc with baby and you're into the terrible twos!
I'd not waste any more money on counselling but I'd be looking to see if you could get a cleaner every week, and possibly a babysitter once a fortnight or even once a month so the two of you can spend quality time together.
If you both want to save your marriage, you'll find a way together to make it work. I'd be making a contingency plan just in case, though. Good luck.

You're the bigger earner and get left with most of the housework.

You're not entitled to do less than him around the house just because you earn more, unless I misread that.

I read it like that too...

OP if you both work full time, but you're the bigger earner, it doesn't entitle you to do less because you earn more... might want clear that one up.

He won't do the jobs you hate... what if he hates those jobs too?

Is this predominantly house work issues? If so, get a cleaner or some kind of rota.

You have a toddler, toddlers are exhausting, and you're both working full time. Some where something has to give because there simply isn't the time in the day to have it all and that usually is having a pristine house that gives. Unless you pay for some one else to do the cleaning.

You're probably both getting home, absolutely knackered, ratty, and there's a mountain of jobs to do and no one wants to do them. You're both putting the expectation on the other person and want the expectation isn't met you're resenting eachother. Get some outside help. Or do it all together, make a pact what you get in you both spend one hour dedicated to getting stuff sorted so you can both relax after.

I think @becauseicanthatswhy has nailed it. The early years of parenting are very demanding and intense and the level of associated exhaustion usually comes as a big surprise to all of us, I think. The nuclear family exacerbates it - we now raise children in tight little family units but really what should be happening is that we should be raising our children in sprawling extended families with lots of additional people on hand to help.

You and your DH are really feeling the strain but that’s pretty common. There were times when it felt like DH and I didn’t even like each other, never mind love each other. We were slightly older parents too, and I think that also makes a difference. You may have a bit less energy and you’ve spent longer doing your own thing before having to accommodate a child; you’re more set in your ways. But we had friends who’d been through the same and warned us about the tiredness and stress.

You loved each other enough to have a child and things tend to become easier as children get older so you will get some time back.

In the meantime, it may be a case of lowering standards for things like tidiness for a while and/or getting a cleaner in or similar. And I do remember telling my DH off at one point for always finding a reason why I should be the one to do the jobs he didn’t like. Some of them I didn’t like either. He took that on board and we had a pretty even division of labour.

You BOTH have to want to. So start with a full and frank conversation about each others wants and needs.

Thanks for all the feedback. The comments from @becauseicanthatswhy and @Dery resonate particularly. It's nice to feel heard and understood and have some options to try. Thank you,