Is it time to end my marriage or can we make it work?

[meanderoo]

I know I won't find the answer here but in case anyone has experienced a similar situation I'm wondering how you dealt with it.

Current situation is;

• Been with my husband since we were both in our early 20s (now mid 40s)
• Have 2 children (aged 5 and 12)
• We've had couples therapy once a month for 6 years (his idea)

He is caring and I feel we've got each others back but on a day to day he's a grumpy guy. He's also a control freak. He tries to work on these two things but it lasts 2 - 4 weeks before he slips back into his usual way. His default mode of operating is grumpy and controlling. Over the years his issues with control have affected my self esteem.

I had emotional childhood trauma and have used therapy, meditation, exercise and journaling as a way to heal. It's an ongoing process. I began all this following panic attacks in my early 20s. My default is to be a people pleaser and anti-conflict. I have managed to heal enough to parent my children in a supportive and loving way.

I feel like our two personalities are bad for each other. Recently I've been thinking we might be together because of how we feed into each others comfortable but unhealthy roles. I feel like a stuck record complaining about my husband's lack of listening skills and his abrupt attitude. I don't feel attracted to him and I don't feel attractive myself (working on this). He is attracted to me and initiates all the intimacy in our relationships.

None of our relationship feels terrible but none of it feels great either. I can't work out whether to keep working at it or just move on. I've shared how I feel with my husband and he would like to try to make it work. I feel less sure. I crave joy in small things - day to day actions. Kind gestures, someone who listens and someone I can share a laugh with. Maybe I am imagining an overly romanticised relationship. I don't know because we have been together for so long. I have so much mental load just to not get in my husband's way so that he ends up even more grumpy. As the children grow older their needs are growing and since my husband's personality takes so much mental work I feel thinly spread. It's like I've forgotten who I am. Maybe this is all part of being a parent to young children?

My husband supports my career and hobbies. We share childcare and chores equally too. I just sometimes feel stuck in our relationship. Maybe I need to work on myself more to make it work. I know I should communicate what I want and be clearer with my boundaries.

Long post but just needed to get this out. Anyone been through similar and made their marriage work? What helped? Or anyone just got tired and got divorced? Did that improve your quality of life?

You need to adjust your expectations and be realistic about life. Some of this are your own issues, you never initiate intimacy, how do you think that makes him feel? A man who asks for counselling is rare breed, he is trying hard to keep the family together. He probably reverts because its frustrating seeing his attempts ignored or dismissed. It doesn't sound like you appreciate what you have. You don't even like yourself so how can you like someone else? I think you need to resolve your own issues with yourself first. Be grateful you have a husband who is fighting to stay together and who finds you beautiful. Life is not a fairy tale.

Thanks for replying.
I agree that I need to work on myself. It’s an ongoing process which I am doing both for me and my family.

I used to feel attracted to my husband in the first ten years of our relationship. I was the one initiating all the intimacy and he wasn’t interested so I know how that type of rejection feels. He wanted to focus on his career so we didn’t spend any time together. I think he just got worried about our marriage in the last 5 - 6 years.

We’ve both changed and grown. Part of this for him is working on his relationships. For me it’s more about working on me. I feel quite resentful on how much rejection I got in the first ten years we had together. i had to persuade and argue for everything. Going away in holiday (we could afford it) was a huge battle. It would take 6 months of arguments to book a weekend away! I guess I eventually ran out of enthusiasm (and my spark) just arguing over so many small things that I started to go along with whatever he wanted to do.

Now he’s more keen to be involved in life it’s an adjustment for us. I’ve found that I’ve become a bit of a walking zombie by not acknowledging things I want. I saved up for a deposit to buy a flat (he said what’s the point in owning a home) - we argued over it for so many years. In the end he said ‘buy it yourself, I will live there with you’. We are joint owners on it and pay the mortgage together but the first time he saw it was when we moved in. Having each kid to 5 years of arguments and conversations - he didn’t want one, then he didn’t want a second one. Since we were together since such a young age, the question of having kids never came up. I always wanted kids but maybe he didn’t.

Over time I have felt like I am pushing him into things. Recently I’ve started to think maybe we are both living lives we don’t want, although he keeps saying he is happy. He loves the kids and spends a lot of time with them too. It’s quite frustrating because I have done so much pushing for doing these things that by the time it happens I am worn out!

I was a work hard and play hard kind of person before I was a zombie. My husband is a work hard and keep working harder kind of person - which has made him grumpy, verbally aggressive and burnt out. He only addresses this when things get awful at home. Three people - me and the kids are crying and upset for weeks before he’ll realise how verbally mean he is being.