Love after abuse?

[mothtoaflame2023]

Does anyone have advice/success stories of finding/creating a healthy relationship when all you’ve known is abuse? How did you do it?

My parents were emotionally, verbally and physically abusive to me and to each other. My extended family is full of people in abusive relationships. I don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like, really. My first boyfriend was violent and unstable. He decided we were going to be together and I went along with it. He was horrible from the beginning. I knew he was bad but I couldn’t help myself. When I got out I stayed single for years afterwards.
Four years ago I got into a relationship with someone who was emotionally abusive and I never saw it coming. I thought I was healed and would only attract good things. He seemed so nice at the start but within a year I was a shell of myself. I’ve stayed single for nearly two years since we broke up and done therapy and the Freedom Programme. I’m in my mid thirties and I’d like to have a family, but I’m afraid I’ll just keep repeating the same patterns. Is there hope?

There's always hope.

Spend lots of time learning how to spot abusers.
YouTube videos on spitting narcissists might help. Doctor Ramani is good òn there.

Keep learning throughout your life. Watch a new video every other day or something. Thatvway it'll remain at the forefront of your mind when dating. You'll remember to always pay attention to red flags.

Secondly you need to be able to recgonise your feelings. Eg: they do or say something hurtful. You are hurt. You have to sit with those feelings, not brush them under the carpet. Because if someone says or does something hurtful then you have the right to be hurt - your feelings are valid.

And instead of making excuses for them or minimising your feelings, consider that they are a hurtful douchebag - and its time to go. This is especially true if they lie, cheat, steal or put you down. Or if they talk badly of women in general. Or break the law.

These things are obviously not ok. Amd it's time to go.

If your gut warns you someone is dangerous- believe it and leave.

Similarly always keep this in mind - 'if I married this person and had to divorce them, wpuld they be horrible to divorce?' If the answer is yes - run.

Date kind people. Not the fake show off sort of kind. But people who are genuinely kind. That should be the minimum requirement in a partner.

Take relationships slow. Don't tryst men who try to rush affection or are too full on in the beginning. It's a con. Never move in with someone you've known.less than 18 months. Make sure your contraception is foolproof. And always remember- you can leave a man for any reason (or no reason at all). 'I don't want to' is reason enough.

OP I grew up in an abusive home and them went on the have a child in an emotionally abusive toxic relationship. It’s a lot to deal with. I was a shell of myself after the relationship. I was so used to being treated poorly and never felt good enough. I didn’t start dating again until I found me and was just really comfortable in my own skin. Most importantly I think is that I was happy. I know for certain it’s better to be single than in a bad relationship so tbh I wasn’t about to settle for just anyone. My DH is a positive addition to our lives.

I am now married to a wonderful man and have two more DC.
I am myself in this relationship. No one turns nasty in disagreements, we have so much fun together, I feel safe and loved. I don’t have to walk on eggshells, I am not afraid of talking about the tricky things.

You can be happy too OP.

@Pinkbonbon Offers good advice, along the same lines I'm telling myself whenever I end up looking to start again.

I'm going to try learn from the mistakes of the past and be on the lookout for those familiar signs.

Too intense with communication that seems to perfectly align to everything in myself. The need to accelerate the relationship. Whether their actions and behavior aligns to their words.

I'll be taking my next relationship slow because from what I understand now they are impatient and can't hold out too long before the cracks show.

@Crunchingleaf Glad you have found a happy and healthy relationship that must be a breath of fresh air!

@Pinkbonbon Thank you so much for the long reply and your advice. You're right about recognising your feelings. I'm so used to being gaslit that I second guess my own feelings all the time. Also, my two relationships have in common that they were so intense at the beginning, they thought I was an amazing woman, they were in love, then when I was besotted, bam, they discovered I had some terrible faults they couldn't fully explain and maybe I wasn't so great after all. It's really good advice to keep abuse/red flags at the forefront of my mind when I'm dating. It sounds a bit depressing. I wish it wasn't necessary but I know you're right!

@Crunchingleaf You've given me hope. I'm sorry for how you grew up and so happy you've met someone wonderful. What you said about being happy resonated with me. I never jumped from relationship to relationship but I wasn't happy being single either. I am happy now though for the first time ever. I understand the feeling of never feeling good enough and just being so used to being treated badly that it's just normal.

@JibbaJab I think you're right about the impatience to accelerate everything. It's hard not to fall for that when you think you've met someone good. Words and behaviour matching is also a good thing to look out for. The mismatch between 'I love you' but I'm treating you like crap is a red flag and I never realised that before. I hope you do find something happy and healthy when you start looking again.

I am finally in a healthy relationship after a neglectful childhood and abusive 10 year marriage.

I wasn’t looking for someone and the only way I know it’s not abusive is because I can say how I feel and I never feel scared. We have a 9 month old together and I have a 8 year old with my abusive ex. The two experiences couldn’t be further apart. It hard sometimes as I’m so used to things going wrong I almost hunt it out but it’s just not their. It’s worth is though for the good times we have together.

I don’t think I’ll fully recover and I have developed stress illnesses but I do the best I can. No one will ever treat me badly again though. You will know it because the person you are with will make you feel that funny unnerving feeling. I don’t have that feeling currently.

Really good point about the unnerving feeling from being with some abusers.

But from some you won't get that. Because for example they might not be physically aggressive or threatening.

For example they could just be the sort that ruin all your special occasions or gaslight you or constantly bang on about their ex about try to play you off against them ect...

Emotional abusers that leave you feeling hurt, frustrated and insecure. Rather than scared or intimidated.

Abuse comes in different forms afterall.

@Whydothat1 Glad you have a relationship that's the total opposite now.

I can't even imagine that to be honest, to just be...

Like you I have been suffering from an unexplained illness for years and now I am out, I am getting better. It seems to be very much aligned to narcissistic abuse syndrome.

@Pinkbonbon Yes that's true, mine was mostly emotional and psychological with random bouts of physical thrown in. I went back over our entire relationship and found it was happening around four months in and I didn't realize.

@mothtoaflame2023 Yes accelerated but as above it's not always apparent. I know the signs now but some are hard to figure out at the time like mine was. Although was accelerated and was love bombing I didn't notice the emotional or psychological aspect and it was rife looking back now. Insignificant things laid the foundation to much worse down the line.

I wasn’t physically hurt, well things were thrown but not directly at me. The unnerving feeling was constant, checking and double checking every thought before speaking. Ignoring my own feelings and needs, becoming as flat as possible.

You can’t avoid bad people and you aren’t a bad person magnet. People used to abuse just don’t leave quick enough and also feel they should accept them or change themselves to fit. You just date and if you don’t end up liking them just move on. I think we end up taking it too personally. Everyone probably ends up dating a bad egg but they just leave quicker and think less of it.

@Whydothat1 Yes I think my childhood probably contributed to thinking it's normal as that's all I have known.

I understand that feeling it does make you extremely sick after so long, I lost my mind and my body started destroying itself. Careful of your actions and words, tone, other people's, anticipating anything that could happen during the day out of your control. You become some sort of void puppet with the role of caring for their needs, maintaining their expectations of daily life while sacrificing your own.

I'll be trying again at some point but yes although I find it hard I'll just have to walk away. Can't go through that again.

@Whydothat1 @JibbaJab I was really ill for years as a teenager and my doctor just kept telling me it was all in my head. I see now it was because of what I was putting up with at home. After around six months with my ex I developed a really painful condition. I didn't really get control over it until we broke up. Sometimes I think when we can't take the emotional pain, we get a physical pain instead because it's almost easier to cope with in some ways.

I'm glad you're in a healthy relationship now @Whydothat1 and have a lovely little family.

@Pinkbonbon how you describe emotional abusers making you feel is exactly what I went through. The physical abuse of my first relationship almost made it easier. At least I knew where I stood and what I was complaining about. My last ex always seemed to make me absolutely miserable on special occasions and I never really knew exactly how he'd managed it. Like you said in your first post, I think it does come down to recognising your feelings and acting on them.

@JibbaJab Same as you, there was so much psychological stuff that I didn't see until it was over. The more I go over it, the more I see that it was a pattern and that it started after four months. I really hope that if it ever happens again I'll be able to get out quick.