How do you manage job related resentment?

[whydoesitalwaysrainonme23]

Hi,

I know you can’t tell someone what job to do so I feel massively unreasonable, but just can’t help this silent resentment I have for DH’s job and hoped someone might have some advice!

DS was a planned baby and (if my memory serves me, bad PND wiped a lot of my memory from pregnancy/early months) DH wanted to go into the police just before.

The checks/process etc as it was thorough back then, went on for so long that there was no planned start date, until a letter arrived one day out of the blue. I ended up giving birth less than 24 hours after DH was sworn in so he wasn’t allowed any paternity leave, nor did he speak to anyone either to be fair, to see if there was anything he could do. He was just adamant he wasn’t going to be ‘backsquadded’ so must start then.

Because of Covid, they decided to train them via video chat and textbooks from home, so I had the stress of trying to keep a tiny baby quiet, taking on everything for DS myself and then later on, dealing with the all over the place, not home on time etc shifts (which he was locked into for 2 years as they do) hence the bad PND. The best part of this is that DS and I have the most incredible bond.

I was in a job I adored at the time which was my saving grace but meant I never saw DH due to my shifts, so to try and make things better, I chose to leave and secured a family friendly job. DH would often tell me he would look for another job but put it off and off and then it never materialise.

After his 2 years, he moved to a different department where he has every other weekend off at least and doesn’t work full night shifts anymore and things settled so we had DD recently. He told me it would be different. I’ve always had silent trouble letting go of how that time on Response impacted me and, naively we thought with no Covid, paternity leave etc, things would be better this time.

DD has been massively difficult bless her, allergies and a complete refusal to sleep during the day. At one point we were having hours of screaming every day so DH took time off sick as my mental health was compromised again. They started off supportive but then it became, as with most jobs I assume, the hounding almost back to work and in the middle of it, he had to attend court for a week, full days where I was alone and couldn’t speak to him; things he was off sick to prevent as the crying was so awful for her and me, whilst I sought support from perinatal services.

He had a phased return back where they regularly met with him to discuss moving up hours but now he’s just met his full hours, no one has met with him to discuss how we’re managing now (we don’t have any other support really aside from FIL/BIL) and they’ve already started with the keeping him on later than his finish time, changing shifts etc. He’s just told me today that on one day they’re also putting him back to response to cover shortfall so he probably won’t be home on time then.
They also tried to change his shift from a rest day to working a big event during his phased return period of only a couple of hours at work.

I’m still not 100% and can ‘just’ manage his full shifts but I’m really exhausted and worn down and struggle when things are then extended. I’m constantly getting ill and it worries me as I had a blood clot in my lung when DD was a couple of weeks.
He often does shifts where he starts at 11am/12pm and isn’t finished until 10pm so I find after getting the children ready, caring for them all day, it’s impossible to achieve anything cleaning / life admin wise and I feel it all falls to me. There’s a pile of ironing out of the door nearly (DH refuses to touch it) and DD doesn’t have a sleep routine in the day and DH just asked, why haven’t you done anything about it.

I feel so annoyed at myself for feeling this way but I would just love a normal life where my DH isn’t a resource. Where he finishes when he finishes and unless absolutely out of the blue, things aren’t going to change. Where I can try and gain some control back over things, without feeling so worn down once the children are in bed, that I just want to lie down!

I also recently found out his force have been accepting the voluntary services of a domestic abuse perpetrator from my past, who made my life hell, which was reported to the same force and recently found no one did anything about it at the time (through legitimate means I hasten to add!). So irrationally, I also have that in my head, despite it not being DH personally, it really sticks in my gut a bit, that he represents them.
Is there a way to get over this?

Hi OP, I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling resentful and unhappy about your DH's job. I can understand how stressful and exhausting it can be to deal with his unpredictable and demanding schedule, and how it affects your family life and your mental health. You are not unreasonable for feeling this way, you are just trying to cope with a difficult situation.

I think you need to talk to your DH and tell him how you feel and what you need from him. You need to explain to him that you appreciate his work and his dedication, but that you also need his support and his presence at home. You need him to respect your rules and preferences for raising your children, and to help you with the household chores and the life admin. You also need him to spend some quality time with you and your children, and to make you feel valued and loved.

Be supportive but assertive. Don't make your DH feel guilty or ashamed for his work, but don't let him take you for granted either. For example, you can say "I'm proud of you for being a good police officer, but I also need you to be a good husband and father".

Be flexible but consistent. Don't expect your DH to change his job or his schedule overnight, but don't accept his excuses or his neglect either. Be willing to compromise and adapt to his work demands, but also stick to your agreements and expectations. Something like, "I understand that sometimes you have to work late or change shifts, but I also expect you to let me know in advance and make up for it later".

Job-related resentment is a common and normal issue that many couples face, especially when one partner has a demanding or stressful job. You are not alone!

@frumpyflora Thank you for your detailed reply, I really appreciate it and it was helpful to read for some clarity in my own head.

I do think DH is a big part of the problem too - like with the ironing, there’s such a huge pile now, but he just won’t do it. Before he goes to work on his 12pm start shift, he will wait until the last few minutes before he’s supposed to leave, then run the hoover round, then complain he’s running himself ragged and risking being late for work to make things easier for me.

I’m really unwell at the moment with severe tonsillitis, it’s affecting my whole body and he’s refusing to take any time off, even just compassionate leave to give me at least a day to rest (I’ve got both of the children with me today, at least tomorrow one is at preschool). Instead he wanted to shout and swear at me down the phone and tell me I’m purposely making his life difficult.
I’ve told him I really can’t put them both to bed by myself tonight with how badly it’s getting me so he told me I was a neglectful parent. Not feeling the best today..

He works.for.the police. He can't just take.time.off when he wants. I.am.sorry you are struggling but you need to put things in place to.help. can they go.to nursery for.example? Can you.get a cleaner or.an aupair to.help. are you on medication? Wherever he works it.will be the same.re.leave.