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Original poster

Husband doesn't initiate sex

20 replies

1Finger1ThumbKeepMoving · 13/08/2023 12:46

Hello. First time poster here. My husband and I have been married for 13 years. This is my second marriage, his first however he was in a long term relationship prior to us meeting which broke down after ten years. My issue is just this, he won't ever initiate intimacy of any kind. When I get things started, he's always really willing to continue, no problems there. It's just becoming an issue for me. He makes me feel totally unloveable, ugly and even ashamed that I want to have sex and be a sexual person. When we do have sex it's always great. I feel like I'm asking "too much" because in every other way he's a perfect husband. We're a good partnership. He took on not only me when we wed, but also my two young children. This has always been an issue and it's zapping my confidence. Am I being selfish and asking too much?
Thank you for reading this.

OP posts:
GiveOverRover · 13/08/2023 12:51

Has he ever initiated? When you have had conversations with him about this aspect of your sex life, what has he said?

WunWun · 13/08/2023 12:52

What does he say about why he doesn't initiate?

DixonD · 13/08/2023 12:52

Mine can be like that. We didn’t have sex for five months earlier this year because I was sick of always been the one to initiate it. He did in the end and it’s been a bit more even recently although still mostly me. I think my sex drive is higher than his. Like with you, it’s always great when we do it.

I sympathise with you though - it can be utterly soul destroying to feel so undesirable.

Original poster
1Finger1ThumbKeepMoving · 13/08/2023 12:54

On the very odd occasion yes he has initiated. When we talk about it he says he's not very confident! Why he should feel that way, I don't know. He has no issues with E.D and like I say, it's always good when it does happen. Something that should be so natural is getting to be a huge issue.

OP posts:
DixonD · 13/08/2023 12:55

I think the only way this will change is to talk to him. It’s hard but once you open up it gets easier to discuss it. You just have to be careful how you word it so he doesn’t get defensive. I tried to talk to my husband many, many times and he always shut down. When I spoke to him about him more recently I made it all about how I was feeling, rather than what he was or wasn’t doing and it had a more positive outcome.

Good luck.

Original poster
1Finger1ThumbKeepMoving · 13/08/2023 12:56

I'm sorry you too are going through it. Soul destroying is a perfect explanation.

OP posts:
DixonD · 13/08/2023 12:57

1Finger1ThumbKeepMoving · 13/08/2023 12:54

On the very odd occasion yes he has initiated. When we talk about it he says he's not very confident! Why he should feel that way, I don't know. He has no issues with E.D and like I say, it's always good when it does happen. Something that should be so natural is getting to be a huge issue.

Oh I see you have already spoken to him. If he’s not confident he might just feel a bit awkward. He needs to get more practice!

WantingToEducate · 13/08/2023 13:00

I’m on the opposite side in that 90% of the time it’s my DH who initiates sex.

It’s certainly nothing personal towards him, I still fancy him, I’m still happy with how I look so there’s no specific reason why I don’t initiate sex, it’s just a case of his sex drive being higher.

The sex is great, I thoroughly enjoy myself when we do have sex….it’s just not always a main focus on mine. I tend to find I generally have a lot of other things on my mind which tends to mean having sex isn’t at the top of my “to do” list.

meditated · 13/08/2023 13:03

May be in your case having it scheduled will work? No one needs to initiate if it's on an (unofficial) diary?

LubaLuca · 13/08/2023 13:05

Some people just need a little nudge. If he's enjoying it and it's mutually satisfying sex then does it matter if he struggles with that small part of it? Of course, tell him how it makes you feel and encourage him to do more to please you in that respect, but maybe it's always usually going to be the way that he needs that starting move to come from you.

Luckydip1 · 13/08/2023 13:10

I don't think this is a big deal, if you initiated sex and he turned you down that would be difficult but that doesn't seem to be the case.

Dery · 13/08/2023 15:57

“Some people just need a little nudge. If he's enjoying it and it's mutually satisfying sex then does it matter if he struggles with that small part of it? Of course, tell him how it makes you feel and encourage him to do more to please you in that respect, but maybe it's always usually going to be the way that he needs that starting move to come from you.”

This. No-one’s perfect and it sounds like he’s ticking a great many boxes. It sounds like he responds positively to your overtures and the sex is good. Why focus on the one thing which doesn’t totally suit you?

Dery · 13/08/2023 15:59

Also @meditated’s suggestion is really good. I know of lots of couples who schedule sex in that way and it can work really well.

EAP · 13/08/2023 19:31

Some men don't initiate for fear of rejection or coming across as a sex pest. Plenty of men are a accused of being sex pests on MN for wanting sex with their wives/partners on a regular basis.

RealisticGuy · 13/08/2023 19:40

Is it possible his previous relationship shut him down a lot? It can be quite demotivating getting rebuffed frequently so it could simply be how he began to deal with that an unfortunately that’s now a pattern in his mind going forward.

It could be worth asking that question.

Eleganz · 13/08/2023 20:36

If you are both enjoying the sex you are having, perhaps it shouldn't matter so much who initiates it. Try focussing on the positive things here a bit and not put too much emphasis on other things.

acpk55 · 13/08/2023 20:56

EAP · 13/08/2023 19:31

Some men don't initiate for fear of rejection or coming across as a sex pest. Plenty of men are a accused of being sex pests on MN for wanting sex with their wives/partners on a regular basis.

100% this , sometimes it’s seems men are wrong no matter what they do,

if the sex is good why worry about it, just think that you are going through what most men have to

Vettrianofan · 13/08/2023 21:22

Luckydip1 · 13/08/2023 13:10

I don't think this is a big deal, if you initiated sex and he turned you down that would be difficult but that doesn't seem to be the case.

He is getting the deed done so I agree, it's not a big deal. DH doesn't always initiate sex but won't turn it down. He enjoys it once it gets going.

Simonjt · 13/08/2023 21:34

My husband never initiates anything sexual, he worries I wouldn’t turn him down if I wasn’t interested or that I’d feel pressured. Surely if you were asking too much he would turn you down? Maybe having a bit of a schedule may work better if it upsets you that you have to initiate.

Plantmother71 · 21/01/2024 18:57

Sorry for the long post. I’m not sure what to do next? DP and I have been together almost 18 years. He has a very good job but I haven’t worked since having our first DD a year after we got together. DDs are now 15 and 16. We’ve never had a really enthusiastic sex life despite me trying to initiate, he just doesn’t seem bothered. We go away ourselves occasionally and it’s still not very good even though we manage it then. Last time was a long weekend in Paris in 2022. I’ve often felt he’s had affairs and I’m pretty sure he had a long running affair for several years which started in 2018 and lasted years. He had a period of depression back before the Paris trip and I feel maybe she ended it with him. He was also depressed for a lot of last year as he injured his foot and wasn’t very mobile and he’s usually very sporty.

He’s a good dad and a good provider. I do love him but I feel like we’re more friends than we’re in a relationship. I don’t want us to split up but I don’t know how to make us into a happy satisfied couple. We don’t really have many shared interests apart from our daughters and I’m worried he will leave when they go off to uni. I’m too old to start over again and as I don’t work I would struggle for money. I don’t want starting over to be an option.

Help!

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