Gambling partner- just found out

[Loopylou398]

I know this has been asked a million times but I guess I want to ask it anyway.

I just got engaged to my partner earlier this year. Two days ago I found loads of receipts for betting slips. on one day, it added up to 7 different bookies and about 2k worth of transactions! I wasn't even snooping, some of these were lying in the living room!

These seems crazy aggressive. He has been doing it for about one month and not telling me (of course, I can't verify that it hasn't been longer). The reason I think it may be one month is because is behavior changed- he got a new job and went out for walks and cycles every night. I'm obviously angry about the lies- I asked him if he was okay, that is was great that he was cycling so much but it was just a really sharp behavior change. So I feel like every day he lied to me when I asked 'how was your cycle/how was your day etc).

I earn a good living (quite a lot more than him) and I'm financially independent. We live together (I own the flat, he pays me rent). The pay difference isn't an issue for me. I don't lead particularly extravagant lifestyle and it doesn't come up as an issue (rarely).

He is away right now (on a legitimate trip) so I haven't seen him since I found them, which is actually good for me. When I confronted him, he first played it down saying it was 50 quid here and there (it was actually 2k that day). Then when he realized I knew the truth he became desperate and said he'll go to GA meetings and if I leave him he'll fall apart etc.

I feel like I don't know the extend of his lies- what else has he been lying about?

I guess my question is-does these situations ever turn out good? Or do I need to completely follow my logic here rather than my emotions and cut my losses now before something worse happens a year down the line? Because I think this has been going on for only a month (because of the patterns) -at least to that level -are I rash for just ending it?

I believe he has ADHD- he finds it hard to concentrate it work and used to play a lot of video games (now he is doing this instead!)

I should also say- we were starting self funded IVF- which I won't now- but it's a real kick in the teeth. This is something he talked about maybe more than me- he has always talked about wanting kids.

I should also say- we do have a lovely relationship and get on really well- I want to be with him- which is why this is so difficult.

I definitely won't marry him with the financial imbalance but I wasn't too bothered about that.

These situations rarely turn out well sadly.

But in his defence, if he will admit to it and go to proper therapy then that's a good start. Not enough is done in this country to stop gambling being a problem. It is so addictive and ruins so many people's lives. If he can get therapy and start treatment, then it is worth giving him a chance.

My (adult) son has special needs and knows that he can never gamble because he knows he would get addicted. But the lure of it is everywhere and it's so hard to fight back, especially where mental health problems are added in.

2K in a month?!?!?!?

Impossible to deal with this kind of "cycling hobby" - sorry OP, get out quick and whatever you do, don't have a child with this lunatic.

His primary relationship is with gambling, not you. He will ruin you financially as well if you are fool enough to stay with him. Do not assume ADHD re him either, such self diagnosing is not helpful and shows your own poor understanding of ADHD.

He won’t fall apart either if you leave him, that’s just emotional manipulation from him to get you to stay. Do not fall for it, cut your losses now and end the relationship.

Speaking from experience don't have children with him and end the relationship.

His compulsive behaviour won't change.

2k in a day!!!

Personally I wouldn’t marry or have children with him if this has been revealed now.

Gambling addictions are horrendous to deal with and overcome and cause such damage to your life. It’s one thing if you’re already years into the marriage and have kids and want to try and overcome it but to go into it already knowing this is asking for trouble. I think in a few years you’d be kicking yourself and regretting it massively.

I know it’s so hard and when you’re engaged and in love with someone, you want to have hope they’ll stop it and change. When you’re several years married with a child, the honeymoon phase is over and there’s no money to pay the mortgage or buy food you’d give anything to go back to this moment and make a different decision. Love isn’t enough so unless this issue is completely dealt with by him I wouldn’t entertain marrying him and definitely don’t have kids.

Nope unfortunately this will probably get worse or keep coming up. How will you trust him? You can’t keep a check on his phone or accounts as that’s no way to live.
Happened to my aunt she went through this forgave him and a few years later it all kicked off again. She lost her house due to debts, he was beaten up from loan sharks and they ended up divorced. Their children were really affected by this and what made matters even worse was he was tapping money off his eldest son and his sons friends. It all came to light when he asked a friend for a loan and he mentioned it to someone in the friendship group. Her best friend then had the horrible task of telling her he was borrowing money again and it came to light the extent of his gambling. Thousands and thousands of pounds. Absolutely devastating for everyone involved.

Any addiction is difficult to overcome but this early on before kids or marriage I would be getting out.

Assuming it's not matched betting 2k is a lot for a day. It may be easier to sort of while the addiction it's relatively new .

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN !!

I don't know how loudly I can say this. Don't get financially tied to him even if he goes to GA. if you marry, your home, savings, pensions etc become a marital asset. He's already proved he's terrible with money, and prepared to lie to you about it. Please keep yourself financially independent if you decide to stay with him.

I'd run a mile. He can do therapy by himself. You're heading for a broke life if you marry him. & a life consumed by trying to help him. Not to mention you'll be snooping on all his monetary transactions, you won't be able to help yourself. It's no joke. My cousin has been a gambler for 40+ years. None of his relationships last. He's 60 and broke, still thinks we all don't know about his gambling. Why would you tie yourself to a man who's terrible with money anyway?

omg, end it IMMEDIATELY, I used to work with a man who had a gambling problem and he owed 16k here, 8k there, once online gambling got up and running he had several cards on the go, all maxed out, then when he'd maxed out his credit he took out a card in his wife's name and maxed that out too. The poor woman, my heart went out to her. He was worse than an drug addict because he was still suited, booted, clean-shaven, healthy looking. But the debts were just spiralling.

I got married years ago when young and found he was a gambler 2 weeks after the marriage. Never once had an inkling before hand or I would have kept right away. Ended up a nightmare in the end stealing money,bailiffs at door, credit cards maxed. I left after 7months he had been doing it for years

Sorry for you troubles. This must be devastating for you 😔.

Those betting slips are only the physical betting shop ones.

There's numerous phone apps and online betting accounts he could have on the go as well.

Likely it's the tip of an iceberg.

Gamblers are serial avoiders.
He'll never be honest with you. He'll always tell you what you want to hear. That's why he'll go along with your ideas with enthusiasm.

The fact he left those betting slips there maybe he wanted you to find them. So that you had to make the tough decision.

Does he really want to get married and have kids or is that responsibility and commitment too much for him??

That 2k would have gone a long way towards a first cycle of IVF.
His mouth says one thing but his actions are screaming his real message at you.

Gamblers love their secret life, where they have full control.
And access to the activity providing the dopamine high and enabling the fantasy world of 'when I get the big win I'll stop and then I'll buy her a mansion with a pool... because I love her so much'.

They don't like real life events getting in the way of chasing that high unfortunately.