I don’t know what to think anymore

[SarahLdn740]

Hi, I am hoping someone will help me make sense of some of my life as I can’t talk to anyone about it in real life.

I’ve been with my husband for 13 years and we have a 7 year old daughter who we both love with all our hearts.

Outwardly, we are fine - we have a nice life and I am grateful for it (maybe not enough? I really don’t know).

I am not really happy in our marriage. I make the vast majority of our income which puts me under a pressure that I am struggling with a lot of the time, especially with the mortgage rates increasing so much. My husband works from home full time and does school pick-ups/ some homework/ dinners around his work schedule.

I feel incredibly resentful for a number of reasons and it’s really getting me down. I feel like an awful mum, I yearn to spend more time with DD but I’m always stuck in the office. My husband patronises me about house chores (because it’s him who does them most of the time) - eg I suggested that we do a big shop on Sundays and plan meals for the week so that DD doesn’t have fishfingers/ pizza/ sausages so much and he’d say that “obviously” all the food would go bad by day three and that it just wouldn’t work, followed by an eye roll. It makes me feel even less feminine in the old school sense, like I am not only a useless mother but also useless at home. I feel like
im only good at making money which I despise, but know that I have to be strong to pay bills and secure our futures.

when I stress about money, I’m just told to “relax”. But every time there is a financial emergency, it’s my bank account that has the savings to deal with it.

we don’t go on dates, oh only organises something when I get depressed. I don’t want to organise anything because I already feel like the guy at home, so to also book restaurants is such a turn off. Maybe you’ll tell me I’m unreasonable, feel free.

it’s all made even harder by the fact that everyone loves my husband, thinks he is the nicest guy ever and I am the grumpy, snappy one. It breaks my heart because actually I am the one who organises everything, remembers people’s birthdays, buys presents, sends messages, but yes I am always stressed and it’s not helped by my husband always being super chill, because I know that it is because he hardly has a care in the world. I am also foreign and I don’t think it’s as easy for me to make friends here (even though I really like living in the UK and the people in Britain). I have a slightly more direct way of speaking which I get judged on (like “oh wow, she’s quite direct isn’t she!” Or “wow she’s a feisty one”). I tried to change that but I now feel even worse for trying to change myself so much. OH, who has hundreds of school and uni friends here (I only have some work friends, moved here in my 20s and spent my entire 20s working like a dog to establish my career) likes to remind me how few friends I have and “not to lose any more” (I have got rid of a few toxic ones which again he makes me feel awful about).

I don’t know.

Can anyone relate at all? I’m feeling very lonely in all this. Sometimes I just honestly want to be alone. I feel completely worthless.
He’s just sleeping off a night out last night - he told me he wouldn’t drink much so we could do stuff today. I got annoyed but he just said that there’s nothing wrong with it. He promised to watch a film with DD and started, but fell asleep in the middle because of the hangover and just took himself to the bedroom. I suppose this irrelevant but I’m venting while I have the opportunity… I feel like the only adult at home.

is this normal?

He gets to do all the things you wish you had more time to do, because you are working your arse off to make it all possible.

Feeling worthless points to all kinds of things being wrong with this relationship.

If you were to split up and downsize, could you work a bit less and have more time with your daughter?

When it’s comes to what’s normal and reasonable it really depends on the individual. The situation you’ve described and the issues you have with your husband and the dynamic are obviously not working for YOU even though a similar situation might work for someone else. What matters is what you think and feel.

Sometimes it’s a compatibility issue where two people in a relationship or marriage don’t see things the same way, don’t do things the same way and unless you can get on the same page then it never gets any better.

You need to decide what would need to change for you to be happy in the relationship. Communicate that to him and ask him how he feels so he also has the chance to say his side of things. Try and agree between you some changes you could make and if the changes don’t happen and he makes no effort then you’ll know things won’t ever change and you can decide what that means for you from there.

Thank you so much for your kind replies and understanding. I agree there are all kinds of things wrong, and I am going to try and address them.

re splitting up, I think this would work. But I am worried about what would happen to my DD - I have seen OHs family manipulate children against their mum in a divorce situation, and I have to say I was shocked. I don’t want my child to be a pawn in family dynamics, it must be horribly destructive. I’m sure divorce is ok for children when both parties behave like grown-ups, but not sure this would happen here.

I am going to try and make/ ask to make some changes and see how we go. I felt particularly down on the day I wrote this post and both of your replies made me feel less alone and understood, thank you, really. 🙏

I think you're putting far too much pressure on yourself, and overthinking a bit about everything.

It is often the case that one parent does more 'parenting' than the other. It just happens to be more convenient your husband does more of the parenting if he works from home. That doesn't reflect badly on you as a mother. I am sure you are trying your absolute best.

Also how do you know people speak about you in that way. Have they called you direct and feisty to your face, or is that how you generally see yourself and presume others must think the same?

Do you get time to yourself at the weekend? Do you try to relax once your daughter is in bed?

To me it doesn't sound like a marital problem, I think you're just feeling a bit stressed and being a little too harsh on yourself.

As for finances, is there scope for your husband to earn a bit more money? Go for a promotion or something like that?

talk to him about how you feel, exactly what you wrote here.
if he doesnt make any changes you know what to do.
he is belittling, gas lighting, disrespecting you. i dont see any love between you from what you wrote.