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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Told to pick sides

16 replies

ImaMumtoaboy · 13/08/2023 11:18

Our friends have separated and now the wife is telling me we are either her friends or his.
Background: I was friends with her first and my dh was her husbands friend. (I met dh on a night out nothing to do with the couple, just a coincidence my dh and her dh were friends. I had never met my now dh before that night).
Very nasty breakup. Mud is being slung left, right and centre. Kids caught in the middle.
I've met with my friend a good few times since they split, every conversation whether its in person, text or a phone call is her bad mouthing him.
Her husband went silent. Nobody heard from him for a month then my dh got a call asking him to meet so he did. They had a chat about what's going on.
The usual 3 sides to every story. Her version, his version and the truth somewhere in between.
Now this has got back to my friend and she has basically told me we need to pick a side her or him. She doesn't want stuff carried back to her dh but questioned me about what her dh was saying.

OP posts:

Callyem · 13/08/2023 11:28

Ultimatums are never very nice. She's hurt and angry at her ex and wants you to be too. In time she will see it is an unfair position to put you in. I would try and gently explain that as your DH and her ex are friends, it is not feasible to cut him off (or even your choice) but that you would never relay any information to and fro and you hope she can accept that. She probably won't, but maybe in time will understand.

helpmum2003 · 13/08/2023 11:31

That is tricky. Personally I would refuse to drop contact with the husband unless you felt he had done something awful.
It's difficult but you could remain friends with both as long as you never report back to them on each other.
If she doesn't accept it then her loss if she ends the friendship.

Epidote · 13/08/2023 11:32

You are her friend not his, is she asking to you to tell your H to not be friend with him? If that is the case she have to ask your H not to you.
It will be a no as answer most likely because she is no one to make anybody to pick sides.

She is doing it because she is very hurt, I understand that. Stay calm and it will pass but she is being very unreasonable asking you to act on her behalf or pick sides.

Alcemeg · 13/08/2023 11:35

every conversation whether its in person, text or a phone call is her bad mouthing him
Personally I'd find it hard to stay friends with someone so emotionally immature.

PacManMom · 13/08/2023 11:37

"Sorry he's H friend, I'm not going to tell my husband who and who he can't be friends with."

She sounds really immature, I'd be questioning if I wanted a friend like that.

jeaux90 · 13/08/2023 11:46

Difficult situation but I'd say to her that telling your partner who they can and can't be friends with is coercive control. I'd reassure her that everything you are told by her is confidential though.

Original poster

ImaMumtoaboy · 13/08/2023 11:50

Yes she wants both of us to cut ties with him.
Last time the 4 of us were together it was very toxic and totally uncomfortable to be around.
We have been friends as 2 couples for 20 yrs. I've been friends with her about 16/17 yrs.
My dh and ex have been friends over 30 yrs he is not going to abandon him now.
Both have been told we will not be carrying "tales" or discussing what the other is saying.

I dont want issues in my marriage with he said she said. We have talked about a couple of things we were told and both have said the total opposite to eachother.

OP posts:

Original poster

ImaMumtoaboy · 13/08/2023 11:52

jeaux90 · 13/08/2023 11:46

And this is the behaviour she is accusing him off.

OP posts:

Original poster

ImaMumtoaboy · 13/08/2023 11:53

Me and friend have been friends 26/27 yrs.

OP posts:

Daleksatemyshed · 13/08/2023 12:06

No matter what your friend wants you can't tell your DH who he can and can't see, it's unfair of her to ask. Hopefully once the first anger about the split calms down she'll be able to see that. For now I'd keep contact with both but not too often, you don't want this to become a problem in your own relationship

WandaWonder · 13/08/2023 12:11

I wouldn't be friends with anyone giving me an ultimatum no matter how people justify it

flyingant · 13/08/2023 13:01

I would say it's her choice if she wants to cut ties with you. Can you just agree not to discuss him when you're with her, and agree not to discuss her when you're with him?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 13/08/2023 13:36

WandaWonder · 13/08/2023 12:11

I wouldn't be friends with anyone giving me an ultimatum no matter how people justify it

Yes , I don't respond well to ultimatums. I'll make my own decisions, thanks.

Original poster

ImaMumtoaboy · 13/08/2023 13:43

I've already told her we are not choosing sides and not discussing what the other says. That was fine until my dh met up with his friend. A couple of other friends have already dropped him.
I never mentioned my dh meeting him so someone else told her so this is when it started.

OP posts:

BlastedPimples · 13/08/2023 14:57

Unless he's done something like domestic violence or been abusive in other ways then there isn't a reason to drop him as a friend.

Personally I couldn't be friends with an abuser - many are happy to be ime - but that doesn't appear to be the case here?

timetochangethering · 01/10/2023 10:22

The unfortunate truth in these situations is that she will drop you and also blame you for it..."@ImaMumtoaboy wasn't there for me, she didn't support me."

I suspect your other friends will not have had the same connection with the husband, so easier on their part. You both have connections to both of them...and will end up having to choose...

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