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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Living apart together

11 replies

Gotanewname · 13/08/2023 10:30

DH and I have separated. We have primary aged kids. It’s all very amicable, we get on very well, still do a lot of stuff as a family, see friends all together, etc.

Financially it’s very tricky, as these things are, and we both have demanding jobs that sometimes involve travel, so practicalities are a thing too.

I’m debating proposing that we live together, apart. I.e. as a family but we are single people, separate bedrooms, etc. The kids know we are separated and have adjusted pretty well, though I know would like us to get back together - I’m sure most kids in this situation feel like this?

Obviously it’s not ideal but none of this is and I wonder if it’s a practical solution? Clearly would need some sort of ground rules, but I think we could make it work, kids won’t have to move, we will both be financially much more comfortable, easier in terms of juggling kids and work etc.

Would really welcome MN hive mind thoughts on this? Is it a terrible idea? Too confusing for the kids? Has anyone done this and did it/ does it work?

OP posts:
Gotanewname · 13/08/2023 10:31

Oh that title should have said living together apart! Oops, sorry, confusing.

OP posts:
Summerscomin · 13/08/2023 10:59

I don't have much advice for you unfortunately OP but maybe you could look into the idea of "nesting"? I understood LAT as a long term couple/married but living in separate houses. Nesting I think is when the separated couple take it in turns to stay in the family home, with a smaller/separate "base" that they alternate with. I don't imagine that it works for many, or for long, but could ease the transition I suppose? Best of luck.

Rainydays777 · 13/08/2023 11:07

What happens when you start seeing other people?

Icedlatteplease · 13/08/2023 11:44

I think historically this is what happened when people were staying together for the sake of the kids.

Practically it's no different really. You can't have a relationship at home so they have to be kept quiet.

Epidote · 13/08/2023 12:01

I wouldn't do it. People grow up apart after separation and life take its course. Kids will grow and other people will be involved in your life as you are both singles. Too much faff about.

EAP · 13/08/2023 12:09

You need to get back together for the sake of the kids. Marriage is about providing a stable foundation for the kids and part of that is a mum and dad being together.

jeaux90 · 13/08/2023 12:12

My partner and his ex did this for a year. It wasn't great.

How about nesting?

Sazza26xx · 13/08/2023 12:18

EAP · 13/08/2023 12:09

You need to get back together for the sake of the kids. Marriage is about providing a stable foundation for the kids and part of that is a mum and dad being together.

Completely disagree, two separated happy parents are better than staying together just for the kids

NeedToChangeName · 23/08/2023 19:38

Living apart but together could work for a while, but would be problematic if either of you wants to start dating

And I think nesting is an expensive option and you may not wish to maintain a joint asset / expense long-term

Is there any chance of saving the marriage, if everything is so amicable?

YoSof · 23/08/2023 19:49

Do you mind me asking why you split up?

This will make a difference I think, if it just ran it’s course then it could possibly work but what about new partners?

webster1987 · 23/08/2023 20:49

EAP · 13/08/2023 12:09

You need to get back together for the sake of the kids. Marriage is about providing a stable foundation for the kids and part of that is a mum and dad being together.

Oops looks like this post is from the 1950s

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