Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband setting another woman

16 replies

sadappletree · 12/08/2023 22:03

Hello, first time poster here

I've just found out my husband has been exchanging inappropriate messages with someone on Instagram. He swears it's nothing, some messages that got out of hand and knows it was wrong, loves only me and wants to be with me blah blah

He's my best friend. I don't have anyone to talk to. I feel so heartbroken, for me and for my 2 amazing children. I, and everyone I know, have always thought of him as the perfect husband and father. He does everything for us.

I don't know what to think. Is it cheating? Or am I overreacting? I feel so alone

OP posts:
Original poster
sadappletree · 12/08/2023 22:05

And by setting, I meant sexting!! Bloody autocorrect, and I don't know how to edit it!

OP posts:
Busubaba · 12/08/2023 22:09

Sexting is horrible.

He has checked out emotionally if your relationship by having no respect for you.

Schemes · 12/08/2023 22:10

Well, it's not ideal is it!

I don't think you are overreacting and I'm sorry this is happening to you. Is he telling you that you are overreacting?

How did you find out?

Dery · 12/08/2023 22:23

I would call it cheating. Not necessarily insurmountable - not necessarily something your relationship can’t get over - but pretty gross behaviour on his part. How would he feel if you were sexting another man? And how did it get out of hand? Did the words “no” or “I can’t do this” drop out of his vocabulary? Does he have no block function on his phone? He chose to do this. He needs to work extremely hard to put this right.

Original poster
sadappletree · 12/08/2023 22:38

Schemes · 12/08/2023 22:10

Well, it's not ideal is it!

I don't think you are overreacting and I'm sorry this is happening to you. Is he telling you that you are overreacting?

How did you find out?

Thank you. No he has not said I'm over reacting, in fact the opposite. He gets why I'm so upset and he's now really upset that he has done this to me.

I found out because my daughter was messing with his phone when a notification came up which she clicked on, which was the message thread with her. Thank god my daughter cannot read yet.

I just don't know where to go from here or what to think. I guess I need some time? Is it something that I can get past though

OP posts:
Original poster
sadappletree · 12/08/2023 22:40

Dery · 12/08/2023 22:23

I would call it cheating. Not necessarily insurmountable - not necessarily something your relationship can’t get over - but pretty gross behaviour on his part. How would he feel if you were sexting another man? And how did it get out of hand? Did the words “no” or “I can’t do this” drop out of his vocabulary? Does he have no block function on his phone? He chose to do this. He needs to work extremely hard to put this right.

I agree with you that it's awful behaviour from him. I just cannot believe he would do it, he's the last person I thought would do something like this.

Do you think relationships can recover? I've never been in a situation like this before

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 12/08/2023 23:04

He swears it’s nothing…

Well, that’s not true, is it, @sadappletree. This is cheating, disloyalty, and a massive abuse of your trust. He humiliated you and the children by prioritizing sexual experiences and illicit ego validation with this OW. I assume that he would be gutted if you did this. How dare he minimize his betrayal as ‘nothing.’

@sadappletree, he needs to experience a sharp, shocking consequence. My H would be sent away asap while I weighed my options. Until your H acknowledges this serious breach and accepts full responsibility and remorse for his infidelity, you won’t be able to truly move forward with him.

Dery · 12/08/2023 23:15

@sadappletree - yes, I think relationships can sometimes recover. Not all of them do. It takes time and he will need to work very hard for it. You don’t have to make any kind f decision yet.

Tilllly · 12/08/2023 23:17

Oh no
I'm so sorry, you must feel devastated

Can you ask him to move out for a few days to give you space to process (and make him see what he could lose)

MsDogLady · 13/08/2023 00:15

The truth is that, when exposed to temptation, he did not choose to protect his fidelity. He weakened his boundaries and decided to pursue the buzz of a sexual connection with another woman, and they both lapped up the mutual gratification.

I’m wondering if it was all sexual or if they were also building an emotional closeness. Is he investing elsewhere in addition to this OW?

Get tough, @sadappletree. His initial downplaying is not a good sign, and you don’t know the full story. Show him the door and consult with a solicitor to get information. I wouldn’t even consider sticking with him unless he puts in the work (via IC, infidelity sites, etc.) to investigate his selfishness and weaknesses that enabled him to cheat and lie. Has he definitively cut off OW with a terminating statement that you’ve seen? Is he providing open access to all his devices?

He’d have to prove his commitment before I made any decisions. You may decide that you just can’t move forward with trust and respect for this betrayer who prioritized cheap thrills over his marriage and family.

Buildingthefuture · 13/08/2023 07:29

Funny how they are sorry when they get caught, but not sorry when they are doing it isn’t it 🤬🤬 He would not have been happy with you doing this, so why is it ok for him? Can he explain that? No? I can. Selfish, entitled, one rule for him, one rule for you. That is NOT ok. Agree with PPs that you should ask him to leave for a while, so you can work out what you want. It is possible that you could recover from this, if you want to, but he needs to do a fuck ton of work on why he thought this was acceptable and the lies he told himself to make it ok. If he tries to rug sweep, minimise, deny or avoid, or even hints that this is in anyway your fault, into the bin he goes. What an idiot - such a lot to throw away for a quick cheap ego boost, I will never understand people who do this 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Original poster
sadappletree · 13/08/2023 18:07

Thanks everyone for your replies.

When I said that he's said it's nothing, I don't mean that he is downplaying it. He knows he's done an absolutely terrible thing. I meant that she means nothing blah blah, that type of thing. I'm really trying to move on and I do want to be with him but I actually can't get it out of my head at the moment. I just don't know how I would go about trying to trust him, as much as I want to

OP posts:
Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 13/08/2023 18:42

It's doomed op but you'll likely stay with him as your children are small and you'll catch again one day.

If he loved you he wouldn't have done it right?

H112 · 15/08/2023 17:32

This is where it starts ..

Turned out mine was chatting s woman in CANADA that he'd never even meet and she was ugly so he took advantage.

Then I found only fans on his revolut..

Go digging. Revolut and bank etc. Nothing can be deleted. Can be hid but can't be deleted.

roses321 · 15/08/2023 17:35

I'm very sorry for you, but no it's not nothing.

It happened to me, I tried to be ok with it but in the end it tortured me and the relationship collapsed.

I'm not going to say leave because easier said than done but there has to be a consequence so I'd ask him to move out for a while to give you space. I'm sorry but he is only sorry he's been caught.

JibbaJab · 15/08/2023 17:35

To me the thing to weigh up is, if your daughter hadn't done and you didn't find out, would he still be doing it now?

Some relationships can recover but that all depends on whether you can move past it and trust him in the future.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page