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Original poster

depression after an affair....

18 replies

blazingsaddles · 28/02/2008 14:02

I am getting totally sick of my dp being depressed. He has been depressed for around 6 months. The GP said its a reaction to HIM having an affair. Well I'm sorry for not having a lot of symapthy. Am I being unreasonable for thinking "tough shit" its your own bloody fault? Opinions please.

OP posts:
nailpolish · 28/02/2008 14:04

he sounds childish

Iklboo · 28/02/2008 14:08

YANBU. Expression "made own bed, lie in it" and "pissed on your own chips matey" spring to mind

lollipopmother · 28/02/2008 14:10

What a cheek! But have you found out what part of it he's depressed about? Being found out and having to stop, or you being mega-pissed off at him?

Paddlechick666 · 28/02/2008 14:13

could the affair have been a symptom of early depression?

Original poster
blazingsaddles · 28/02/2008 14:15

It may be that I do bring it up often. I did kind of trick him back home by saying I loved him etc etc. He moved back in and quickly realised that I was lieing just to lure him back. I was determined that he didn't have the life of reiley with his new titbit while I was left with very small kiddies at home and no money.

OP posts:
Iklboo · 28/02/2008 14:17

Ah - well now we've got more of the back story!

kama · 28/02/2008 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Baffy · 28/02/2008 14:19

And do you want to get past it now?
Or do you just want him there to help with the children and home, but want to see him suffer?
Is your relationship getting back on track?

(Not judging you by the way, totally understand where you're coming from)

Original poster
blazingsaddles · 28/02/2008 14:19

while he was having his affair I was 9 months pregnant. I gave birth on my own when he was porking his bit on the side (he'd turned his phone off). I knew he was having an affair because he was so happy and full of himself, so I don't think he was depressed then.

OP posts:
pedilia · 28/02/2008 14:23

while it would be easy to say 'you made your bed now lie in it' his depression is going to affect the whole family.

Is he willing to do anything about it? You mentioned ths GP, is he having any treatment, counselling??

DH had an affair while i was pg so I undertsand how you feel.

Original poster
blazingsaddles · 28/02/2008 14:23

We went to relate which was useful to some extent. Sometimes he is completely flippant like saying "well its nearly two years ago now" like I should just be over it and forget it. The trouble is I will always think about it in terms of my daughter being born and me being on my own having her, being hysterical because he wouldn't answer the phone and I knew why. I just don't know how to get passed it.

OP posts:
Baffy · 28/02/2008 14:27

Could you both go back to counselling?

Sounds like you both need it.

I'm not surprised you can't get passed that - how awful

I guess you need to decide whether you do still want him, and a relationship with him, and whether you have the energy and inclination to put in the effort to rebuild the relationship.

I'd have expected him to be going out of his way 150% to be trying to put this right and help you though. My guess is that he isn't. He's thinking about him. And his depression.

Affairs they're always about them aren't they. Then they can't face up to the hurt and devastation they've caused.

Original poster
blazingsaddles · 28/02/2008 14:27

He is on the waiting list to have counselling. He blames it on me having PND and not giving him enough attention and him thinking that I didn't love him.
The relate therapist said that it was his choice to have the affair and that he was in control of his behaviour. How I treated /did not treat him may have been a catalyst but I didn't stick a gun to his head and make him do it.
How long till I don't think about it every day?

OP posts:
lollipopmother · 28/02/2008 14:28

Do you still love him (even though he's a complete toe-rag) or actually do you hate him but feel you need him at home to help you cope with the kids? Know it's a very personal question so you don't need to answer it, but sometimes you can't mend a relationship that has been so equivocally broken, and it might just be better for you to make a clean break from him and start a new life without him, obviously it'll be very difficult to start with but you'll get CSA payments and help from your family. Happiness is often overlooked in these situations and living like that takes its toll on both the person (ie you) and their family (your kids).

pedilia · 28/02/2008 14:29

Have you tried counselling on your own?

I was deteemined that DH's action were NOT going to make me miserable or turn me into a bitter,twisted cow (not suggesting you are)

DH knew he had to spend a lot of time and effort on righting what he had done and he still does.

Was there any remorse from DH? What has he done to try and repair your marriage? Do you want to make the marriage work or is it just easier with him at home?

Original poster
blazingsaddles · 28/02/2008 14:34

He left as soon as I confronted him and went and lived with her for two weeks and then asked to come back. In that time I found out what I would get on my own and it is not enough to cover my mortgage. He already told me he would not give me money for the kids as me having the kids living with me was payment enough. He sees he is being deprived by not having them and why should he pay for them. So I know that it would be impossible financially until they are all at school (3 years time).
I love him because I had my children with him, but I no longer have the " in love" and "would do anything for you" feelings I had.
I enquired about hynotherapy to make me forget that he'd done it, but apparently it doesnt work like that!

OP posts:
pedilia · 28/02/2008 14:44

I will probably get flsmed for saying this but could you look at living together but having an 'open' marriage. I know people who have sucessfully lived like this rather than breaking up the family home!

You don't sound like you want the marriage in the convential sense anymore, if you both continue as you are you will both become more and more miserable, that in turn is going to have an affect on your children.

As far as I see it you either make a go of your marrige which is going to take 100% commitment on both sides, you decide to live togther but have 'seperate' lives which will take agreement on both sides, or you part and live seperatly.

Baffy · 28/02/2008 14:45

I really really think you need to decide if you want him there just for the children/home, or if you want him there because you love him and want a relationship with him.

No excuses for him - but I'm not surprised he's depressed after acting like such a sh*t and now how difficult it must be for both of you living this way.

If you really can't (or should I say don't want/aren't able) to get past it, and work on getting through it as a couple, then you will have to walk away.

As hard as that would be, and moving home etc on top of it would be horrendous, what other choices do you have.

You can't all carry on living this way. Living with a depressed person is hard enough as it is.

As much as he needs counselling. I really think you do too. Even if his depression lifts. It will never work if you don't want him and only want him there for practical reasons and to punish him

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