Jealousy

[Matthewsfab]

I've seen a few threads on here about jealousy and it seems that a lot of people think that any amount of jealousy is unacceptable and controlling in a relationship and that you should leave your partner if it happens.

Then there are other people, maybe those that feel jealousy themselves, who are more understanding and think that jealous feelings shouldn't be dismissed and should be talked about.

I have been jealous in a previous relationship (but not all my relationships by any means) and was made to feel like it was really wrong although all I did was to express that I felt jealous. There were no accusations or controlling behaviour. I didn't think that he fancied the person or ask him to change anything but it became a problem because from my point of view because he wouldn't talk about it. I guess I'm posting because in some ways I still feel like I was the bad guy in that relationship and I wanted to ask opinions about what is acceptable when it comes to jealousy.

Some people don't get jealous, I don't know why but I don't think people who do get jealous choose to feel like that and I don't think solving jealousy is as simple as deciding not to be, I guess it's a deep rooted thing?

If you feel no jealousy at all when your position in a relationship is genuinely threatened then I should imagine that relationship isn't very important to you.

Destructive jealousy where you become unreasonable is a different thing.

Yes I agree with the first but of what you said.

What would you describe as destructive jealousy?

Jealousy is a normal and in some ways healthy human emotion when, as the PP says, your position in a relationship is threatened. A degree of jealousy means you care enough about losing a person, or losing your status as their primary relationship. It would be unhealthy if you never felt jealousy as it as good as means the relationship is over.

That said, jealousy becomes a problem when it results in obsessive and controlling behaviour or a loss of trust for someone unnecessarily. Things like stopping them from seeing friends/family, checking their phone, or feeling anxious or acting manipulatively if they go out without you etc.

But it is a fine line. We like to frame jealousy as an inherently toxic emotion, when it isn’t in itself bad. Jealousy and lack of trust is what is toxic. It’s absolutely possible to feel a pang of jealousy if you see someone attractive talking to or flirting with your partner, but if you absolutely trust your partner it’s just a healthy, fleeting emotion. If you don’t trust them it’s easy to then obsess about it and lead to the behaviours mentioned above.

There are unfortunately lots of people who understand this balance and can try to hide their untrustworthiness behind their partner’s “unreasonable” jealousy or low self esteem etc. when really their partner’s gut instinct is spot on (gaslighting). But in a loving, committed relationship you should feel secure enough that any jealousy is just a basic human response that you are aware is unfounded and doesn’t turn into anything more toxic.

So jealousy is a healthy emotion but any behaviour driven by jealousy is not. So it's ok to feel it as long as your not controlling or stalking etc your partner.

What about expressing that you feel jealous or anxious or insecure about something a partner is doing? Does is depend on how you express it or is it better to keep it to yourself?