Friend and health anxiety

[TangledTeabags]

We are old friends but lost touch until 10 years ago. She always did have a fixation with such things but kept it mostly within her family. We reconnected 10 yrs ago and I noticed that it had amped up somewhat, and now, since she has moved locally to me I seem to have become her first port of call.

She won't, and I stress that - won't seek help for this and thinks that her obsession with health and death is perfectly justified.

I now get a lot of emails about symptoms which have begun to spread to other people such as her brother who is disabled and her mum. She fixates on news media when it concerns illness and immediately thinks she or her loved ones are dying. I probably get some message or other, or we will chat each day on this topic, but it is now becoming the only thing we talk about. Our good old days out and regular chats are becoming a rarity sadly.
I did some research and it seems I am possibly enabling her by going along with it, even though I frequently advise her to get help or that it is spoiling her enjoyment of life.

It is taking a toll, constant focus on cancers (that don't exist) and other diseases is making me nervous, it sometimes makes me feel worried myself as it puts my focus on my own body.
I have started to push back a bit, in a respectful way, to protect myself from this so if i get a message saying she is worried about a death I will just sort of send it back to her. For example I will say "im sorry youre feeling worried, are you going to see the doc?" I can tell she doesn't like that I am not getting more involved and doing google searches for her or giving her life affirming talks.

It has taken me a while to stop feeling guilty about this, but i'm getting there. Is this the right way to deal with it? I don't want to lose the friendship or be cruel but I do have to accept that it is very deeply wired into her and I can't see any possibility of change. It does make me depressed sometimes and feel that a friend shouldn't be burdening me with this when I have my own stuff to deal with too. If it was only temporary I wouldn't mind, but it is getting worse.

I think you have been a wonderful friend and its hard because its inviting in a lot of negativity and worry. If it were me I would say you want her to live life to the full and worrying about her health isn't letting her do that. She needs to see her Dr for possibly meds and counselling.
It's hard on you and you need to protect your own mental health.
As someone who suffers health anxiety its hard feeling that way and she's looking for a quick fix of reassurance but it doesn't last long x

Thanks Dawn, I have felt that way myself at times and I know how consuming it is, but it is different when it becomes a disorder in itself. I am always jumpy about tests and screenings but just have to get on with it. I think health anxiety won't let you 'get on with it'.
I feel awful pulling back, and have advised her to do all of those things so often that I just had to stop. I am currently trying to interest her in things that won't allow it, like a trip shopping, etc, but she is not forthcoming.

It's hard knowing where to create a boundary with it.

I'm the same super nervous around anything medical. I think you just have to say its negatively impacting your mental health now and you want her to get better. If she chooses not to then you have to pull back for your own sanity.

I developed health anxiety, it started when my son was diagnosed with a condition, all the stress of it developed in to me being obsessing about illness and and constantly thinking me or some one close to me is going to get poorly and die.

I didn't want to live like that and I took myself to my GP and opted for counselling (not meds though) it worked a treat.

Reassure her that's she is well but do not go into an investigation of illness with her, it won't help and will only add to the problem.

It's a cycle, symptoms are caused by the cortisol released in the body, these are physical symptoms due to the constant cycle of "I am ill - worry - cortisol (flight or fight hormone) - physical symptom - I must be ill - worry - cortisol ... and so on.

I would twitch in places I never knew existed, head aches, poor eye sight, pins and needles.

I'm 100 percent over it with a few Simple activities to break the cycle.

Your friends needs that counselling.

I'm the same! My son died of a brain tumour and it was a long road of treatment and that's definitely heightened my cyclical dread thoughts. I try to not mention it to my friends- I don't want to burden them or for them to think badly of me. I know how my worries sound logically but when you're in the bog it's crippling.
Having worries yourself and having to support a friend who isn't willing to get help is a lot x

I do have to accept that it is very deeply wired into her and I can't see any possibility of change

Hi OP, I suffered from HA when I got a high BP diagnosis (my father died of a high BP related condition) and I suffered for months before I found a local wellness centre that did CBT. Even now I still get occasional bouts of it, though not nearly as badly. I think you have to accept that this isn't going to change and it's starting to affect you and pull you in in a way you don't want (emails and media) and pulling back even further from the friendship might be the only answer if you can't find it in yourself to be brutal and tell her to stop it, you don't want to hear about it anymore.

You'll be accused of all sorts of things, probably, like being unsupportive and not understanding and not being a real friend in time of need, but as the MN saying goes, you don't have to set fire to yourself to keep someone else warm.

I pulled back from someone like this OP. Her anxiety and complete lack of willingness to address it was making me utterly miserable and it was all she wanted to talk about. Each time I felt like it morphed into a different scenario that she needed to talk about for hours and there was simply no joy whatsoever in our relationship. A turning point for me was when I mentioned something difficult in my life and she immediately changed the topic of conversation back to her. I walked away. I still feel guilty but she would not seek help or address her mental health and I was not willing to collude with her highly anxious states anymore as I just did not see the world in the same way and she just wanted me to agree with her point of view. Good luck.