If you have remained in a relationship after an affair how do you banish the images from your head

[onestepfromgrace]

As the title says how do you do this?

My DH has had a brief affair lasting about a month with some emotional fall out afterwards. I knew straight away something had changed we have been together a very long time. I brought it up straight away as it's a deal breaker for me. I will not be trying to make our marriage work.

For complex reasons he will need to be here every weekend and maybe longer. We are in separate rooms and we have agreed to sort out the practicalities together which will take months.

However I cannot get the images out of my head. I do know who she is and I do know where it happened. I don't want him to touch me. When he talks to me I think that mouth has kissed her, he will pass me something and I look at his hands I think where they have been. Honest I am torturing myself.

So for you who have managed to move on can you tell me how do you get rid of these thoughts / images.

I've NC in case I reveal something in the thread and I'm feeling pretty exposed and vulnerable right now.

(((HUG)))

unfortunately I think only time helps really, though one trick is to have a 'replacement image'. So whenever you start thinking/picturing it ficus really hard on your chosen image make it something 'disposable' because it will taint the other thing.

i know you're not trying to save your marriage (wise IMO) the two years I spent, or rather wasted, trying to, had a worse effect on me than his affair.

you'll get through this! One foot in front of the other until you do!

Thank you, at the moment I’ve been counting backwards in my head to try to distract myself. But they are so intrusive they have me sobbing at times. Though that’s probably grief.

Sending you strength and support OP.
Without outing myself with specific details of who, what and why, what I will say is my GP was amazing and wish I'd contacted sooner, a lot of the bad thoughts and images playing incessantly in my head were very much tied to the lack of sleep, stress and anxiety exacerbating everything so I couldn't shut off. Talking through this with them, the mental health nurse at the practice as well and some meds helped me enormously, reclaim myself and feel like I could function and then, in time, thrive almost. Through my work I also got some great counselling. If you do work, seek out any and all support. What I wish I'd realised sooner was that any shame and blame was not mine and asking for help, telling people what was happening rather than trying to just manage whilst suppressing it was counterproductive and ultimately only damaged me. I got a lot of support in many ways small and big but all equally helpful and useful and I've come out of it a much stronger person.

I know it's a cliche, but time is a great healer. Anti depressants might help you move on in the short term, and therapy can help in the longer term, but time also helps the pain to fade. Different circumstances for me but it was marriage ending and the trauma of what he did lives with me. It's been a year since the initial finding out and there was more to come, but I can honestly say it is now months between breaking down in tears (by in tears, I mean full on sobbing, so hard it hurt), rather than days or weeks.

It is grief, we grieve for the men we thought they were, for the relationship we had, for the family they've torn apart. It is utterly heartbreaking but we come out the other side stronger.

Yes I’m heartbroken, it was a particular set of circumstances which led to this. Perfect storm as they say.

I do work so can access counselling and my GP would be supportive. I don’t feel blame I feel betrayed.

Strange thing this morning we had to go out and do something together I watched him and thought how much I love and want him. I had to actually bring to mind those images to come to my senses.

What an emotional rollercoaster.

I can see how we soften and I can see how people try again do they pretend it didn’t happen?

I think it depends a lot on how open and honest you can with each other. People do move on from affairs (and worse), it can work but there has to be a willingness on both sides and particularly the person having the affair to be work at what went wrong and why.

It's early days, it's normal to still have feelings. They don't disappear overnight. Hope you're doing okay.

I’m confused by your post. The title is around remaining after an affair but you then say you’re leaving. I’m guessing now from your last post that is where you’re at just all at sea.

Sweetheart if you’re just at the start of this rollercoaster you really are just processing it all.

FWIW I stayed. I’m happy and so glad I did. The original intrusive thoughts waned with time. I know it’s an old saying but time really was a great healer. But if you are starting to believe you might want to stay then he needs to move heaven and earth to win you back. There is a road map out of all of this transparency, honesty, openness, grace and empathy need to come from him in bucket loads. I see many people talk about failing on here and it’s usually around a ‘false reconciliation’ where the cheat has been regretful and is guilt ridden but is not remorseful. So it just repeats and happens again. Remorse is key and it’s a very specific behaviour which it’s you and your healing at the centre of everything he does.

I found when making my decision that knowledge is power. Surviving Infidelity website is amazing. Check out all their forums and read. Leave a cheat gain a life is a great book to process the cheater mindset. How to help my spouse heal from my affair is a fantastic book to move forward if you want to stay. There are a number of videos on ‘affair recovery’ which are great.

All of these resources could really help you process and make a decision.

Ultimately you have to reach a point where whatever you choose to do brings YOU the most happiness moving forward and that’s the key. I realised being with my husband and my family brought me such joy I chose that (and I was lucky I had a husband I believed was remorseful but it took time to get there). But I understand and am completely with those who chose differently because they believe a life without someone who cheats brings them most happiness. We ultimately have to do what is best for us.

I hope the resources help and I’m sending you a unmumsnetty hug. This stuff is tough and you’ve been dealt a trauma don’t underestimate how all at sea you are!

There are neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) techniques that help with this.

Things like taking a mental snapshot of the image, scrubbing out all of the colour, making it fuzzy, turning off the sound, tearing it up into tiny pieces and burning it.

Replacement/displacement is also good. Train yourself to think of something else when that idea comes into your head. Good if you can use another NLP technique to make the something else a positive affirmation for you.

Time is the healer.

it does sound like you are not 100% sure though.

You should ask him to move out initially so you don’t have the daily reminder. Surely he can go and live with someone elsewhere for a while or even a cheap hotel for a month while you gather your thoughts.

For me it was a dealbreaker which I set out clearly at the early dating stage and he chose to ignore. I did wobble a bit like you are doing but I ultimately chose to stick to my principles which turned out to be a good decision. Principles are important.

I couldn't, took me 3 years to realise that I couldn't ever get rid of those images and thoughts. It killed all the love and respect I had for my now exdh.

I think the only way you can get over it is if your dh is completely open and transparent about what happened, he has to expect lots of difficult and detailed questions, it's almost like you have to know everything to be able to get over it, so you stop making up scenarios in your head. If you're ever left in doubt or don't understand or are confused about anything you make it up in your head and there's that awful NEED to know.

Not very helpful op, sorry, I do hope you get some closure in this

So you are still living in the same house? That makes it harder but it sounds as though you are trying to play nice, be calm and reasonable, almost acting as if there are no emotions here? You don't have to. You can cry, rage, howl, whatever and if that is uncomfortable for him to live with, tough shit.
I had to stay in a house with an ex and we essentially avoided each other. He left the house early and came home late to give me space. When he was there, I stayed in my room. We rarely saw each other.

Stop all the touching and passing things and joint chores. It's just torturing yourself. Live like house mates that don't get along.

Time and distance is the healer. Start moving into that life as much as you can.

I understand the thoughts. It was like he was polluted. I couldn't look at him without imaging where that mouth has been, where those hands have been etc. So don't look at him.

It's an uncomfortable way to live but better than the constant reminders.

To help stop intrusive thoughts I used to imagine him in front of me shrinking down to an inch tall, then I'd mentally pick him up and flick him against the wall, splat, and turn away and get on with something else.

I think you almost NEED to have these images in order to remind yourself what he did when you are experiencing those feelings of rose tinted glasses.

If you don't allow yourself to think about what he did then you will deny to yourself the hurt and pain he has caused.

It's been over 5 years since I discovered my ex husband's affair and we are divorced and in new relationships. I still think about what he did because it was traumatic and those images will probably be burned into my brain forever. It hurts less now though. Give it time but don't have unrealistic expectations...your brain and body is trying to protect you.

Talk, talk, and more talk. If you can't talk to someone, journal it and have a conversation with yourself.
TBH it is rare to find another person who will listen with grace over and over again, unless they're getting paid to listen. Most people just do not have the patience to listen for extended periods of time, when you will be going over the same ground again and again. People will say 'just leave' but you are in trauma, experiencing grief, need to rationalise this new reality in your head.
That takes time.
When people get over it, they don't 'forget' or pretend it never happened. What they do is compartmentalise.
This will take some time, OP, don't rush yourself.

Thank you for all these replies. He is away during the week at the moment but needs to be here at weekends I could go elsewhere at weekends though.

I don’t want to stay with him but we’ve been together 30 years and have so many ties it will take a while to settle everything.

He is hugely remorseful. He told me and has answered all of my questions. I have cried and told him exactly how I feel.

This has happened under a sequence of circumstances. If even one of those circumstances hadn’t arisen it would not have happened. I know that and believe it’s a one off.

But he has betrayed me. Sorry if the title is confusing I was thinking that those who had remained must know how to get rid of the images.

Actually those images are what will keep me from forgiving him. I don’t want to forgive him.

Thank you for your kind words and understanding I have never doubted or compared myself and now suddenly I feel so exposed and humiliated.

When I say never doubted or compared I mean before this and now I am.

How long has it been since you found out?

It's 2 weeks since we had the discussion, not long I know. It lasted about 6 weeks with some bother afterwards.

So yes I am still processing it.

We both know what went wrong but I can't forgive. I'm not prepared to put the work into making it work, any energy I have needs to go on sorting myself out.

@Dogsitterwoes the splat made me laugh and I like the flat mate idea.

@BanditsOnTheHorizon this is how I feel he's answered all of my questions but there's always more isn't there?

Many of my friends have stayed together, after longer affairs than this, some of them have failed but a couple have worked. I haven't spoken to them about this though and not sure I should ask such a personal question face to face.

Again, thank you for your kind words and suggestions. I have actually been having conversations with myself and I think I will look up the NLP information.