Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do i do?

26 replies

Insanity23 · 12/08/2023 11:21

Long story short. We have had issues. DH was sex addict for 5 years I had a very brief fling couple of years ago due to not dealing with it and being trapped. I should have probably left but I was not thinking clearly and was having a breakdown.
DH discovered and was inconsolable and has been ever since. He has had two lots of therapy and we have had relationship therapy together. 2.5 years on he’s still not over it and says he has PTSD. I can’t cope as it means we are living in the past and can’t move forward. Not sure if we can go on like this as things are always pretty tense. They go between being very normal to being back at square one. He seems to be very low on self esteem and very insecure.
I feel like I’m constantly on alert and have to reassure him. Big picture is we both did wrong but I’m not the bad guy and he can’t continue to live in the past.
do we separate? I’ve told him to get help or we have to separate as I cant waste My life living this way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Insanity23 · 12/08/2023 11:22

Also he’s totally obsessed with the guy I met. Talks about him often. It seems obsessive.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 12/08/2023 11:22

Yes separate. You both need to move on.

ConnieTucker · 12/08/2023 11:23

Leave him.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 12/08/2023 11:26

Sounds like you're living in purgatory and he's wallowing in self pity. I'd leave as it's never going to improve.

category12 · 12/08/2023 11:27

What did his sex addiction entail?

It sounds like his substitute (if he's in supposed recovery) is obsessing over your infidelity and perhaps using it to distract from whatever damage his behaviours did to the relationship.

Sometimes a thing is just broken and too much has gone on to repair it.

Original poster
Insanity23 · 12/08/2023 11:30

Yes that’s exactly what it is. It feels so heavy. I’ve been so patient. But it’s just breaking me.

OP posts:
WalkingThroughTreacle · 12/08/2023 11:30

When you say "sex addict" do you actually mean serial cheater?

Busubaba · 12/08/2023 11:36

Sex addict implies a condition that he could t help himself to go out, chat up other women and have sex with them whilst he was married to you.

He was low down, dirty cheat.

You shouldn't have had a fling/affair whilst he was playing you for a fool but realised your mistake and told him and now the two of you will spend eternity never getting over the past.

The relationship died a long while ago.

Time to move on as you can't spend the rest of your lives looking backwards.

LetMeEnfoldYou · 12/08/2023 11:38

What's the point of this miserable relationship? Just end it.

GiveOverRover · 12/08/2023 11:44

This sounds miserable.

When you say he used to be a sex addict, can you say a bit more about it? What was the behaviour, and how is that addiction dealt with on an ongoing basis? Addictions don't evaporate.

kidsonthemoon · 12/08/2023 12:34

Don't believe there is such a thing as a 'sex addict'. It's a term given to someone who likes to fuck around a lot, let's just call it what it is.
Yet it's him that's obsessed with a guy from your past.
Nah, bin him, he's a knob.

greyhairnomore · 12/08/2023 14:29

So ok for him to fuck around but not you ?

Original poster
Insanity23 · 12/08/2023 17:18

Just a bit more info - the sex addiction was with sex workers.
we have kids together so I suppose we try to make it work for them. It’s not all bad but it’s heavy. He needs more therapy but doesn’t seek it out and I think expects me to keep supporting it. It’s just going on way too long. I kind of feel if you choose to stay just move on…Or leave….

OP posts:
category12 · 12/08/2023 17:30

Insanity23 · 12/08/2023 17:18

Just a bit more info - the sex addiction was with sex workers.
we have kids together so I suppose we try to make it work for them. It’s not all bad but it’s heavy. He needs more therapy but doesn’t seek it out and I think expects me to keep supporting it. It’s just going on way too long. I kind of feel if you choose to stay just move on…Or leave….

Jeez, OP, DTMFA if this is true.

He's expecting you to get over years of him using sex workers while endlessly beating you over the head with his supposed pain over your infidelity?

It's all about him, isn't it? His "addiction" and "recovery", his "PTSD", his alleged insecurity and low esteem - what about you?!

I think he's a manipulative arsehole using his alleged mh problems to keep you in place after he has treated you like shit and still is.

Merryoldgoat · 12/08/2023 18:25

So he sleeps with sex workers but you’re the bad guy?

Why the fuck would you put up with being his whipping boy?

billy1966 · 12/08/2023 18:50

category12 · 12/08/2023 17:30

Jeez, OP, DTMFA if this is true.

He's expecting you to get over years of him using sex workers while endlessly beating you over the head with his supposed pain over your infidelity?

It's all about him, isn't it? His "addiction" and "recovery", his "PTSD", his alleged insecurity and low esteem - what about you?!

I think he's a manipulative arsehole using his alleged mh problems to keep you in place after he has treated you like shit and still is.

Show quote history

This.

He is a controlling, abusive, sleaze.

You and your children deserve so much better that this creep.

JibbaJab · 12/08/2023 19:02

Oh that's wrong, sorry OP. I mean to be fair not that I agree with it but not surprised you ended up doing that. Then to guilt you over it but wash over what he's done...no.

Likelihood is if you separated he'd get right back into it anyway. So to speak.

Cherrysoup · 12/08/2023 19:08

Why does he obsess over the guy you were with when he was with multiple people? I think you need to separate to break the cycle.

LetMeEnfoldYou · 12/08/2023 19:09

Ew. I don't know why you'd want a serial fucker of prostitutes around your kids. 'Doing it for the kids' would be getting his rank arse far away from them.

LyricalGangsta · 12/08/2023 19:12

Omg.
Get out.
Get yourself and your kids well away.
What an absolute piece of work he is.

SpringIntoChaos · 12/08/2023 22:05

You raise your bar OP...that's what you do!! Your DH slept with multiple prostitutes. There is literally no getting over that in my world!

SmirnoffIceIsNice · 12/08/2023 22:23

The fucking cheek of this man to be "inconsolable" and claim he has PTSD after your brief fling, when he was regularly shagging prostitutes!

Sounds as though he has an addictive personality and he's moved his focus from the prostitutes to the guy you were with.

If he's still this bad after 2.5 years and tons of therapy, then I doubt things will improve.

"Staying for the kids" is only worthwhile if it means you're giving them a better life than you would be by leaving. Living in this situation is not doing that. You need to split and move on.

Original poster
Insanity23 · 14/08/2023 12:21

Thanks for all the replies taking the time to read and offer support. I know it’s not right. It’s a head screw.

OP posts:
GiveOverRover · 14/08/2023 12:24

He's manipulating you OP.

Sparkletastic · 14/08/2023 12:36

Well no one can say you didn't try to make it work. But it is over.