Guilt trips from mother?

[changernamer8]

Ok, I may end up rambling a bit here...

I don't have a very 'close' relationship with my mum due to childhood probably ( PA and some SA from father during childhood which she didn't do anything about. My elder sister suffered more then I) so I think there's still some resentment there. My dad died a few years ago.
However I 'try' to have a decent relationship the best I can.
Mother has always been quite dramatic, histrionic is the word I would describe her as. In the past ,she's often started sobbing over trivial things or making us feel like we've done something wrong. She is very defensive if we say anything she doesn't like and tells how hurt she is.
She likes attention and likes to take charge in her friendship groups. She likes to be in control and gets offended by any advice she doesn't like. She's moved recently to a completely new area, got involved with local things (especially church) and is suddenly up front leading the music group.
I think she also gets jealous and can put people down in front of us if she feels they are stepping on her toes.
She often says she's not well but we suddenly find she's on holiday or doing some other social event.
We often get an earful if she's 'unwell' and we haven't asked how she is even if she's going out for a party with her friends.

Anyway, I've had several texts in recent months (as has my sister) about how we haven't contacted her, called her or texted her. Often we are the last to actually send a text or call and I remind her of this.
My sister and I both work F/T and have children so yes, I guess things get forgotten during the week ( she's never worked and was always a SAHM).
She's just been on holiday and I texted her to ask how it was and if she had a nice time.
Her reply ; The holiday was good and interesting but I got very upset as I didn't hear from anyone in the family except (brother), so lost quite a lot of sleep.

It's getting worse and my sister and I are getting pretty fed up. My sister is a lot more assertive than I am. I don't like upsetting anyone (including her) but I really am getting annoyed especially when she texts me at work. I do have anxiety as well and this is really not helping.
How do i deal with it?

Do you think she's guilt tripping or just feeling sorry for herself?

ps, I have not replied to this message. I don't know how to reply.

I wouldn't reply to it. I can't be arsed with that sort of manipulation.

It's utterly draining. The stupid thing is, I keep thinking about it and looking at it from all different angles to see if it's me being a selfish/mean/ inconsiderate daughter.

What age is she ?
I'd be tempted to reply "DM I think you should go to the doctor, we knew you were on holiday so didn't contact you. It's not normal to be losing sleep over this and I think you should be getting yourself checked out."

76 but very active and healthy ( as far as we can see).

I really don't want to encourage her to see the doctor again though. She's down there every week with some new thing which quickly gets forgotten about when she has important social events to attend or holidays to go on.

Do you think she might have some narcissistic traits?

Perhaps instead of thinking about what could be wrong with you as a daughter, perhaps put the microscope on her.

She let you and your sister down in childhood massively - and resenting her is natural and OK.

If she was a better person/mother, you'd want to be in contact more - but she isn't.

Let go of the guilt and obligation you feel towards her. She should be grateful you have anything to do with her at all.

Thank you. Yes, my sister most definitely thinks this (sister is also a medical professional if that matters).

My dad was also very controlling and manipulative. Our childhood memories are not great. We weren't allowed to do anything normal kids would do.

My feeling would be to ignore her guilt-tripping messages and manage boundaries with her if you are going to stay in contact. Consider going low contact or no contact. (And if your sister's assertiveness with her works, emulate it).

If she messages you during working hours, ignore until you're done for the day. (There might be a setting on your phone where you can put yourself to "do not disturb" for particular contacts).

Don't engage with her tales of woe, either don't respond or say something like "glad the holiday was good!" - ignore the manipulative bullcrap parts of it.

This will only get worse as she ages. Much worse.
Just confuse her with a thumbs up reply. Nothing else. Every time she starts.

Thanks for the replies.

I think you are all right.

I think I am so conditioned ( ex h also not very nice) to pleasing people and making everything my fault because I've had this kind of person through my childhood then into adulthood and I've never had any counselling to try and think differently. Currently on meds for anxiety and have had several years on and off depression.

Maybe have a look at counselling if you feel ready/can afford it.

The meds are maybe dealing with the symptoms but not the causes - I suspect your mum is one of the causes. And growing up with abuse sets you up for similar relationships as an adult. None of this is your fault.

Thanks for understanding and advice.
I can't really afford it but maybe I'll have a look around.

Draining. Mine in 80s gets worse. Op do not engage. I used get same x is great to her mother. Goady. I say yeh good for them!! Op they self entitled they nothing else to do. I try ignore now but its difficult as u say.... she wanted my hotel info one year I said why?

I suggest you check out the Out of the Fog website for some tips on how to manage your relationship with her. She sounds like a classic narcissist to me. Certainly there are tendencies there, from what you say. But more to the point, you have been conditioned to react to her as she wants and you need to work on changing that.

Thanks Mary and Cranarc. I will have a look.

She has a lot of self importance and yes, I think she does act very entitled but the thing is people around her seem to like her. She seems to make lots of 'friends' and people sometimes tell me how wonderful my mother is thinking I'll say ' Yes, she is isn't she?!'

She has a way better social life than I do (I don't really have one) and is always busy doing something.
However she often talks badly behind their backs and sometimes just dumps them and doesn't bother with them again ( I think she probably fell out with her previous friends and lost control as she was very in control in that church too) and that's the reason she suddenly decided to move away.

That's a pretty classic narc behaviour - idealise, devalue, discard.

Capable of being very charming, putting on a great show and sort of love-bombing people, then going off them and ditching them.

Yes, I suppose so. 😶 I can definitely see that happening.

Hi @changernamer8

Sadly this sounds all too familiar. We have one of these in my family. Far too many years of people appeasing her now she’s completely unbearable.

You mentioned above that you can’t afford counselling but that you work. Have you checked to see if you have and employee assistance programme at work? Many companies have this and you can often get a certain number of free sessions. All completely anonymous and not shared with your employer. Worth a look just in case.