mediator for MIL DIL conflict

[NameChangedForThis345]

Hi,

I wondered if anybody might know who it is good to approach to ask for help in resolving a conflict between MIL and DIL (me). DH has tried really really hard over a number of years but got nowhere.

We wondered if a clinic psychologist would be helpful? MIL is abroad.

The reason for the conflict is complicated and I can't go into it online.

Roughly speaking, MIL deals with problems by not talking and hoping everyone forgets. I deal with problems by talking them out. The number of things that I have to not talk about, including some too serious to mention online, has now become crippling. On asking MIL to talk to us about stuff, she cut off contact, which DH can't cope with.

We wondered if anyone might know what the way forward is?

Thanks!

Does MIL want to change ? If not, your only way forward is not to have interactions with MIL or know about what is going on in her life via your H. You can't clash if you don't know about her life and behaviour. It sounds like the people around her like your h are willing to enable her head in sand approach to life which makes you look like the bad guy which is obviously unfair.

If she wants to change then you can get family therapists. They might recommend individual sessions as well so that both of you can look into your own individual behaviours.

Gosh, what a tough situation

I would recommend therapy for DH, not your MIL. If her way of coping is by NOT talking about stuff, it's very unlikely she would be open to any sort of discussion/ mediation/ family therapy. I'm sure that DH has experienced a huge amount of pain in his relationship with her. I really sympathise because my family don't talk about stuff either and it really hurts. I got myself into therapy and it was the best thing I ever did

Do you need to have a relationship with her? It's not compulsory you know

It's no point whatsoever in attempting mediation with someone this controlling and otherwise abusive. Apart from it being a waste of time there is no indication that she would actually be willing to take part in any such sessions. Such disordered people really do not apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

I would read Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward as this could help you.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; what have been your roles here in all this?.

Your DH could do with therapy re his toxic mother as he is likely mired in his own fear, obligation and guilt re her. He's had a lifetime of her conditioning him and its likely even now that he still seeks her approval, approval she will never give him.

I tried to have mediation with a person like your MIL who uses denial to cope with serious issues and who is widely enabled to do that. After one session with both of us the mediator refused to mediate anymore. Refusal to accept the serious nature of problems is not a two person fix. The mediator had previously had numerous appointments with the family member and said they were in no way open to changing and mediation was inappropriate. Sometimes you have to accept things as they are. I went NC with the family member and adapted to that instead

Cut contact with MIL, she sounds toxic. It’s not your job to keep toxic relationships alive with someone who doesn’t care. If your husband wants to have contact with her that’s his problem, let him enjoy it. You do you.

She isn't changing. Leave DH to have his own relationship with her, you go low contact and learn to grey rock her when you have to see her.

If she badmouths you to your children, take a firm stand with your DH because she'll be unpleasant to them when they get old enough to object.

What DisforDarkChocolate said, and retain a therapist for yourself. When you need to talk it out, talk with your therapist.

Thank you very much for these thoughts. I can't go into more detail, but we will have a think about what is the best option.

Is she going to change?

Are you? I understand your need to talk things out but it’s not for everyone. Sometimes people want to talk things out that much it never ends.

Completely ignoring things doesnt work either.

But there will have to be a compromise. It’s not goi g to be a case of finding a mediator and magically you get to talk out everything you want to, when you want to.

It sounds as though a big part of it is being honest with ourselves about what the currently situation is, what we want to achieve, and are willing to sacrifice. And also what we do not want and are not willing to do.

I think part of the problem is that we have been pretending for so many years that we can no long entirely see the reality of the situation. Possibly that's something we could do with a therapist here without MIL being involved?

'I think part of the problem is that we have been pretending for so many years that we can no long entirely see the reality of the situation. Possibly that's something we could do with a therapist here without MIL being involved?'

Absolutely. I think therapy for you and DH separately would be a very good plan

If your dh wants to maintain contact with his mother, then he can. Her relationship is with him, not her. If you're absolutely certain the problem is her not you, make sure everyone knows you're willing to talk when other people are-and withdraw.

@CurlewKate we tried that for several years. It didn't work.

It's kind of too complicated to explain. I suppose that is why we need a therapist.

Usually that doesn’t work because your DH is enmeshed, enabling and part of the problem. When I stopped speaking to my family member I ended up cutting contact with other family members for that reason. There is a whole family problem. They are all participating in it. If you think changing a rigid person is difficult it is absolutely nothing compared to a rigid family. It is impossible. Both DH and I are dealing with this. Serious, serious abuse of the worst scales went on in both families growing up. The whole family colludes to cover up the cracks and to protect the family image. It is a nightmare. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries up to and including grey rock and NC.

Shine light on it. Even if it's only for yourselves.

Have a think about shame too and read or watch Brene Brown talking about how corrosive it is.

Given what's normally aired on here, I wouldn't worry about laying it all out. Name change, detail change, do it in bits. Writing it all out will clarify things.

Mil is abroad. There is really no reason at all for you to have any sort of contact with her. Is it really feasible that she’s going to enter therapy with you, to discuss why she doesn’t want to discuss things?

I tried to put in some boundaries with my mil but I had played a role to long and she exploded. I went NC for over a year and we now have a relationship but only after I said that I will never again be mediator between her and dh ( as I took on the role of the baddie, everything was my fault as everything came via me. There will never be an apology or acceptance that the fault wasn't 100% mine, but we don't go there. I will not go there and ultimately that's all dhs problem.

Mediation doesn't work if you have a army you give your version to who back you up and the close people don't want to challenge them. The mediator will be viewed as not getting it.

Worth a shot but be realistic in case you get hurt more

I don’t think any ‘approach’ is inherently superior and it really depends on what the issues are. I’d agree that it might be helpful for DH (maybe and you) to discuss with a professional and work out a way forward. Sometimes letting things go is better rather than constantly ruminating and talking about it, sometimes it’s better to discuss, different things are also better for different people

Than you very much for this. DH and I just discussed it and figure that getting therapy for us is probably more useful. That was very helpful, thank you.