WWYD - DDs dad has another secret daughter

[User37652]

So bit of back story - I was with my DDs dad for a few years, we had her and split when she was 2. He was unfaithful but I was (I think anyway) very forgiving and haven’t held it against him so we get on ok.
1 year after splitting, I receive a phone call from him saying that he has just found out that he has a 7 year old daughter from a past relationship that he never knew about until now. He saw a picture of his ex on Facebook with a girl who looked exactly like our daughter and asked her for a DNA test which came out positive. With all respect to him, he did want a relationship with this surprise child but the situation is complicated and the mother and others who have parental responsibility do not agree to him having any contact with her, saying that she has delicate mental health and this would not be good for her. I don’t know if she knows anything about him or that he has tried to contact her. He has agreed not to contact now but I do not know what will happen in the future, whilst she’s still a child or when she is an adult.
My DD is now 5 and we haven’t told her that she has an older half sister. Do we tell her now? The way things stand now, I do not know whether he will ever have any contact with the other daughter. I do not want to keep anything from her, definitely do not want to get to the stage where she is raging at me that I have lied to her all this time but also I don’t know if she’s too young to understand that she has a half sister but will not meet her or get to know who she is. If I tell her she has a half sister I think she’ll be really excited but then angry and disappointed that it never materialises. I really don’t know what to do for the best?? WWYD?

I think she's too young to understand. Maybe when she's 9 or 10?

Thanks! At that stage would you say to her that we have known about this all along or just state it as a fact. If he has still not had contact with half sister during that time, would you still tell her?

Personally I think telling her now is best. That way she will grow up "always" knowing rather than having to have a big reveal when she is older. Just start mentioning it in passing.

In adoption it is advised to start telling before the child is old enough to understand, so the information never comes as a shock. It means that the child learns to understand gradually, and also learns that the subject is up for open discussion. So, no sit-down-big-announcements, just regular natural acknowledgment and responding to any questions.

I think that applies here too. Don't shroud the information with mystery and drama, or coach your child to see it as devastating news.

And as for the inevitable questions, it's about being honest but age-appropriate. Don't tell her what her feelings are, but be responsive to them.

It's not always easy (trust me; I have had to explain things to my adopted daughter that no child can ever fully understand, or adult either). But there is a great bonus in showing your child that this is a family where difficult conversations are never taboo. I often think that children who grow up with life all sunshine and roses must find it impossible to upset their parents by talking about problems.

The kid is 7 and already has fragile mental health? Jesus what a mess.

I'd tell her in as casual and low key way as I could, and as soon as possible. At 5 she will largely take her cue from you as to how big a deal this is so I'd make it a small one.
Maybe when talking about family or looking at photos tell her 'This little girl has the same daddy as you' or similar. Don't dwell on it as a big deal, but answer her questions 'Daddy doesn't know her well because she lives with her mummy, and he's not friends with her mummy like he is with me.' Then move on.
If things change with contact you can gently and age appropriately keep her in the loop.
That way it ends up being something she's grown up knowing rather than a bombshell when she's old enough to be shocked.

Oh and if you think 'a sister' will be very exciting, phrases like 'the same daddy as you' minimise that a little as it's not such an evocative description.

As someone who found out about a half sibling at 19, I would consider telling her now so that you are in full control over how she finds out and what information she is given

Another one saying do it now. At 5 she won't understand but she will accept and not a big deal. Just tell her age appropriate truth, dad also has an older child but you're not able to see her. When she gets older she'll have more questions. Telling her at 10 or older is likely to have a blow up about you hiding stuff from her.

Definitely tell her now. It doesn't need to be a big announcement just mention it in passing. She'll just take it on board at 5. Telling her at 10 is a terrible suggestion. She'll be full of hormones and far less forgiving.

I have almost the exact same situation. We told our DD very young, maybe 2 or 3, and then mentioned again maybe once every couple of years. That way it’s never a shock, not a big deal.