Coming to terms with the fact that H won't cut out his abusive mother

[Xqyz]

My H had a very difficult childhood. When I met his parents when we first started dating, I'd never met such an odd pair. They behaved towards each other as though they were distant neighbours instead of a married couple. There was no closeness or even familiarity. He clearly despised her and she just used him to pay for everything and drive her around.

They separated just before our first child was born who is now a teenager. My H was very glad and wishes they'd done it years ago.

His childhood mainly consisted of being looked after by his thankfully wonderful grandparents. His mother seems to have low intelligence, was and is incapable of running a house, cooking or caring for children, despite this in fact being her job as a stay at home mother. His dad, in contrast had a very high powered job and worked away for nearly all of H and his siblings childhood. Really bad of him too to leave children with someone incapable of caring for them. H rarely remembers him returning just sending money but as mentioned he did have his grandparents to help.

Despite there being no money worries, she shoplifted daily. She's banned from several chain stores. When our eldest was a baby she remarked that would be perfect for shoplifting.

The house she lives in now is beyond filthy. My H reluctantly visited this week (he rarely goes) and there's piles of clothes everywhere. She's obsessed with shopping and buys clothes after clothes. There's those weird newborn dolls everywhere. It looked as though it hasn't been cleaned since they moved in years ago. Thankfully she doesn't drive and lives 45 mins by car away. She lives in a student area of a city and goes on about how amazing it is all the time and putting where we live down which is semi rural with lots of space and fresh air for the kids. My H never had a garden growing up as she was so wedded to the idea of living in the city centre.

H has a brother who seems to have some kind of autism. Nothing was ever done about this to help him build a life so he lives at home in his mother's filthy house. He does work but she doesn't allow him to attend work dos or any outings with anyone. It's convenient for her to have him trailing round after her. She has absolutely ruined his life by controlling him and allowing him to be utterly dependent on her. God knows what will happen to him after she goes. He's very overweight and unhealthy with no friends at all.

Anyway so my H continues to see her out of duty. She is mean spirited and will nastily bad mouth everyone in her life including our kids. She has the poor me act off to a tee. I refuse to see her now as she's so rude and awful to be around. She plays the victim all the time and tries to make H feel sorry for her. She's obsessed with her ex husband who has now moved on with another partner and is very happy even stalking him at times in his new area. He's a great grandad to our kids and has always been a part of their lives.

My H is a wreck every time he sees her. Almost in tears with the things she says, using him as an emotional punchbag ranting on about some perceived slight which might have happened decades ago.

She is a rich lady due to having a big inheritance from her parents. All of my kids other grandparents are also well off and are enormously generous with the kids as it gives them great pleasure to see them enjoy holidays, toys etc.
Despite her being well off, I remember she once took one of the kids to an ice cream van when we were visiting her and then asked me for the £2 she had spent on a icecream. That's how mean she is.

If she wants to speak to H she will ring him up to 100 times until he answers. I tell him to block her but he won't in case she's ill.

H has a lack of confidence due to the way she's treated him. He's very happy now with our lives but I just wish he would cut her from our lives. She had cancer and it's awful but he didn't want her to get better as her going would have set him free.

How can we live with her toxic presence still in our lives? I refuse to provide any care for her as she ages. She's mid 70s now.

Some suggestions. Your dh gets a second phone and gives her that number, then blocks her on his original phone. He can then switch it on once a day ( or when he chooses) to listen to messages. Selfish people have a strong sense of self preservation, if she became ill she’d probably get an ambulance quicker than you or I.
You could inform SS as a matter for concern, vulnerable son in an insanitary house, or even elderly lady in an insanitary house. You don’t have to give your name or relationship.
Suggest to your DH that instead of going to her house he meets her in a cafe, once a month. Time is limited, hopefully she can’t raise her voice and will want to put on an act of civility. He meets her there, no transport there or home.

He can cut her out of his life, I cut my parents out as they were narcissists ( my mother def was, my father copied her for her approval and copied her ways)

That's a great idea about the phone, I'll make sure he does that.

They do usually meet in a cafe or coffee shop. He just met at her house this time as he's tired of paying for her. She'll go to order and order loads of stuff and then sit waiting for him to pay for it all. For some reason she thinks he has loads of money and somehow she's entitled to it. When I used to go with them, I would make it clear she needs to pay for herself. I didn't care what she thought of me and would call out her selfish behaviour. He never does.

I really wish he would cut her out. She mentions her will all the time as if to keep him hanging on for that. No money in the world is worth having to tolerate her in our lives. We really couldn't care less about her money. All I see ahead of us when she does pass is sorting out the absolute tip that is her house and then probably finding somewhere for his brother to go.

Good idea about social services too. His brother is vulnerable.

How can we live with her toxic presence still in our lives?

Your DH needs therapy to work on his feelings. You need to step back and encourage him to deal with the childhood trauma (it sounds like you have stopped seeing her which can show DH it's possible).

Is he still in contact with his DF? There might be things he can talk about that his DF views differently that might help DH.

"I really wish he would cut her out. She mentions her will all the time as if to keep him hanging on for that. No money in the world is worth having to tolerate her in our lives".

Indeed it is not and its likely too that she will not leave your husband a single penny. Toxic people like this often use wills and the implied threat of disinheritance for not complying to gain further power and control over their target. His own inertia too when it comes to his mother hurts him as much as you and he is mired in FOG (fear, obligation and guilt); three buttons she installed in him. Would he be at all willing to see a therapist?.

Out of the FOG is a useful website to read.

He is in touch with his dad. He has apologised for abandoning his children when they needed him when they were young. Although he did provide for them, they were left to bring themselves up. I remember staying over at his house when he first started dating and asking when the sheets were last changed. He said he didn't realise that sheets got washed 🤢. She had literally never changed the beds in the house. Absolutely vile.

He may be willing to see a therapist. It's hard for him to see that he was and is abused by her. He thinks of abuse as sexual/physical etc.

I honestly think he does not stay in contact with her for money. She is not at all generous with him. He gets a tenner for his birthday from her. He genuinely does not expect to inherit from her at all. As neither of us are willing to provide any care for her, it's likely that a lot will go on care home fees anyway. It's like he doesn't realise he can cut her out.

I know it's easy for me to say but I have had to cut my brother out of my life and I'm so much happier for it.

I'll have a look at that out of the FOG website, thanks.

It's hard for him to see that he was and is abused by her. He thinks of abuse as sexual/physical etc.

Many people do and it will take a long time for that to change in society. Perhaps rephrase it as neglect, or deprived? Look on the NSPCC website for better words and see if there are any examples on it that are similar to his childhood. Might be a good place to start a discussion that will lead to him accepting counselling.

Ouch
He so would benefit from some support processing this , poor fellow
not easy at all

I’m trying to say this as gently as possible but she and he his sibling clearly have mental health issues . Your disgust for them and her is palpable . I get it’s been horrific but their terrible state is probably why he can’t cut them off
and I kind of respect them about him tbh

but he needs some help
and support to manage boundaries

Please look at the Stately Homes threads here, in particular posts from I think MonkeyfromManchester or a similar username. She is in a similar situation but her husband has come a long way.

His mother clearly has mental health issues.
Your husband may feel that he needs to check in now and again- if so that is his choice.
It is a big decision to cut someone out of your life, but it is his decision to make