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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I the problem?

7 replies

evermoreh · 12/08/2023 07:53

Been with DH 10 years, one young toddler.
I’m finding his moods really difficult to deal with. He’s not angry or anything like that, but he literally looks miserable most of the time and I’m finding it hard to be around.

he comes home from work and has a face on, barely talks, barely looks at me, answers in one word sentences. Doesn’t ask me how my day was. Looks angrily at the tv if I have something on that isn’t something he put on. He’s not outwardly angry but I can see it in his face. It isn’t helping that I’m asking what’s wrong often but I can’t help it because you can cut the atmosphere with a knife.

he doesn’t open up in general, it’s the way he is, very emotionally shut off. Always has been.

I’ve asked him if he’s unhappy with me, he says no. He says everything is fine. Gets more annoyed if I try to push and ask what’s bothering him, he says nothing. But it just doesn’t feel that way, no one can look like that and be happy?

he puts on a smile with DC, though I know he’s finding being a dad harder than he thought. He’s sometimes quite lazy and doesn’t come out with us a family often.

he’s been like this more since we’ve had DC.

the confusing part is that he still makes plans, he’s booked just me and him a break away next year so he does still make an effort this way and makes me wonder if I’m worrying about nothing. And we go on date nights very occasionally so once every two/three months due to lack of child care and these are nice nights out, but in between these he’s just miserable and it gets me down.

it’s making me feel lonely in general. and I’ve told him how I feel but he sees nothing wrong.

Am I being over sensitive?

OP posts:
AmeliPoison · 12/08/2023 07:59

When he is in a mood I'd make myself scarce and then when he is rested on a weekend I would have the kid somewhere and talk to him about what's going on he sounds depressed. Maybe he has money worries. You need to talk to him kindly and in the right time. I would try and arrange for more regular childcare so you can spend time alone together otherwise you will drift apart as a couple.

Witchbitch20 · 12/08/2023 08:05

I’ve had 26 years of this, without the complications of children.

or the date nights

or the breaks.

It grinds you down, especially when you ask what’s wrong and the answer is “nothing”, just because he can’t even be bothered to speak to you.

Don’t be me. If he won’t tell you what’s wrong, get out.

evermoreh · 12/08/2023 08:13

It’s hard because I know it’s not money issues, work issues.

I think he’s depressed but he won’t ever admit that or even think it’s that. I’ve approached it before and he doesn’t entertain it.

trying to make more plans to do things just me and him, as I know he doesn’t enjoy doing family stuff much. Having a child has completely changed our life because we used to go out a lot before and we don’t have much help. I’ve accepted this but maybe he hasn’t. Not like he’d talk to me anyway

I can’t relax around him anymore unless he’s in a good mood as on edge.

OP posts:
evermoreh · 12/08/2023 08:14

He loves our child and is a good dad but think he finds it just a bit boring and restrictive

OP posts:
LemonTT · 12/08/2023 08:26

There’s not much to suggest he is depressed. More that he is unhappy and going through the motions.

Individual and / or couples therapy could help you work through what is happening and what you want to do about it.

Relationships go through patches like this. Sometimes it is situational, e.g the stress of very young children needing so much attention.

At the end of the day you cannot make do anything. All you can do is act for yourself. If this isn’t the marriage you want and he won’t change, then you need to decide if you can live with it.

Titicacacandle · 12/08/2023 08:39

Do you want advice on how to make life a bit more fun and to pull him out of his misery of life with a small child (no judgement I struggled with young dc and the restrictions it created) or do you want permission to leave him. Do you want to leave him? If you do then you can leave him.

If you want my advice it would be to make life more fun. Go to the local pub on a friday for a few beers if there's outdoor space for dc to play. It will make you both feel a bit young and free again.

Book a day off work once a month and leave dc in childcare and have a day date.

Socialise with friends a bit more over the weekend and make friends with people who have dc.

It shouldn't be down to you to do this but if you don't want to leave him then take charge of it and get out the house together or just the two of you, and go and do fun things.

Avabarth · 12/08/2023 09:07

To answer your OP, no you're not the problem. Other posters will tell you it could be this, it could be that, just try this, just try that, maybe he's depressed etc...

But he's a grown man. You don't have the luxury of being disengaged from family life every day. He needs to sort this out. Maybe he is struggling with parenting, maybe he is depressed, but it's not fair for him to continually behave like this and cause so much impact on you. It's emotionally distressing. I bet you'd prefer him to get angry and actually show you what the matter is rather than this perpetual silent punishment. It will sabotage your mental health in the process, believe me I've been there.

My ex never expressed his needs or emotions and clearly had issues processing them. So if he wasn't happy with something, rather than communicate, I was met with resentment and silent contempt and I'd know he was unhappy but never could understand why. This behaviour kills relationships. It killed mine. It's like emotional manipulation.

The other thing to add is that communication is a two way street. Posters will come on here advising you to communicate but there are plenty of videos out there about the negative impact of communicating with someone who refuses to. It will actually make you feel worse. I did take him to therapy in the end as I was going to leave him. In the end, three therapists couldn't get him to communicate effectively. One said he has a "disconnect", one suggested he was autistic and another told me to save myself the pain because he was "closed to emotional intervention."

I agree with pushing for joint therapy but be open to it not working and revealing to you that it can't work. It's positive atleast that he's still booking date nights etc, so there could be hope for you. Good luck.

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