My dads girlfriend stalks us

seasolar · 2023-08-12T06:13:06+00:00

Backstory. I am a fully grown adult. I haven't seen my dad in over a decade. He was exceptionally abusive, an alcoholic and all round terrible human. He has a partner, long term. Very odd woman, clearly also an alcoholic however appears to be functioning. She's lost all her family due to her relationship with him (so my grandma, his mum, says). Ive never met his girlfriend. Years ago my sister found her social media. Call me odd but I was compelled to look. It became apparent that she had been posting (indirectly) about me and my siblings. All of it total nonsense but some times she seems to find out elements of things and some things I have no clue how she would know. She posts on social media multiple times a day. Its obsessive. How do I deal with it?

CurlewKate · 12/08/2023 07:30

Could you just ignore it? Is she saying negative things?

CapEBarra · 12/08/2023 07:32

Ignore it. It says nothing about you and everything about her. It sounds like she’s looking for drama.

Hiddenvoice · 12/08/2023 07:33

I would just block her and try not to let it get to you. You don’t speak to your dad and have never met this woman so you know it’s all nonsense and lies. I know it’s easier said than done but try ignore it. No good will come from it if you try sort and interact with them.

ThomasHardyPerennial · 12/08/2023 07:34

How do you know she is posting so much unless you are actively looking her up? Just put her out of your mind, she is nothing to you.

multisurface · 12/08/2023 07:44

Just block and ignore.

I had to do the same - and I take the attitude that it's up to them what they post but anyone who knows me will know it's not true and all a load of alcohol fuelled delusions. And if someone is daft enough to believe it that's up to them.

Original poster

seasolar · 12/08/2023 07:45

You are all so right and I know that I shouldn't look.

But wouldn't you?

She keeps making thinly veiled threats that she's going to tell everyone everything. I don't know what she means she can tell people what she likes. Everyone knows what my dad was like and what he did. I've had to live the the shame of him and the embarrassment of him before I cut him out of my life.

It's just knowing that someone is obsessed with looking at you. Finding things out about you. Eg she finds pictures of you on social media... sees badges you are wearing and then makes comments about that club you are involved in. She follows all local businesses even though she lives miles and miles away! She even liked someone who supplied something for my party !

It can't be legal surely?

OP posts:

GoodChat · 12/08/2023 07:45

It sounds like you're stalking her too...

Just change your privacy settings or block her?

Wisterical · 12/08/2023 07:47

Erm... you are stalking her too.

multisurface · 12/08/2023 07:51

Honestly block her and don't look - I used to do what you did but once she was blocked and I didn't look at all it's so much easier.

Doidontimmm · 12/08/2023 07:55

Why are your posts so public?

NewUserNameSaved · 12/08/2023 07:57

GoodChat · 12/08/2023 07:45

It sounds like you're stalking her too...

Just change your privacy settings or block her?

In a nutshell.

Hiddenvoice · 12/08/2023 08:00

Sorry op but you’re as invested in her as she is in you. You know all of this as you keep checking her social media too. Block her and Ask your sister to block her too. Go through your privacy settings and set up tag approval so if you’re tagged in any group pictures for any local places then you can set it so you can remove the tag etc.
Ask your gran not to discuss any of your business with her son and his partner.
Don’t interact as this is what she wants. She wants you to start arguing with her and then she can post about being the victim online. The more you don’t interact the more you’re the bigger person.

YoBeaches · 12/08/2023 08:02

If she is doing those things, Then it's called Cyberstalking and it's illegal in the UK. You can report her to the police.

None of us have to accept this sort of behaviour online anymore than we would in person.

Original poster

seasolar · 12/08/2023 08:02

Yes looking at it could be deemed as stalking but it's an open Instagram. Im also not hunting down information about her an posting it publicly, or making indirect posts about her? I am just looking every so often because I know this is happening.

So yes I shouldn't look and could ignore. I did for many years but one night I couldn't sleep and since then it's just bothered me.

All my social media is private it's just some really old posts that I've been tagged in by people who aren't private. We are taking early 2010-2015 posts.

OP posts:

Original poster

seasolar · 12/08/2023 08:04

I've NEVER interacted or responded. Venting on here is the only time I've ever talked about it with anyone other than family.

OP posts:

AmeliPoison · 12/08/2023 08:04

I think you're being paranoid and should block her account so you stop stalking her.
Algorithm and tagging can bring up events, clubs and places to your social media. I think it's quite narcissistic and self centred to think this is all about you like some big secret plot. Your traffic to her page is likely suggesting other pages to her from things you've posted or viewed. Leave them both alone and concentrate on healing your trauma and living your best life.

YoBeaches · 12/08/2023 08:05

You're not stalking her. Your trying to validate your concerns which is totally normal human behaviour.

Read up on cyberstalking and decide if it meets the threshold. It might not as it seems it's indirect, but still check it out.

labamba007 · 12/08/2023 08:08

I don't know why you're getting a hard time here, OP. It's perfectly normal for you to look. I challenge anyone not to pay attention when someone is posting something about them on the internet!

But for your own sanity, I would block her and know that most of the people who know her or your dad will know what they are like.

Sueveneers · 12/08/2023 08:10

AmeliPoison · 12/08/2023 08:04

I think you're being paranoid and should block her account so you stop stalking her.
Algorithm and tagging can bring up events, clubs and places to your social media. I think it's quite narcissistic and self centred to think this is all about you like some big secret plot. Your traffic to her page is likely suggesting other pages to her from things you've posted or viewed. Leave them both alone and concentrate on healing your trauma and living your best life.

@AmeliPoison Did you even bother to read what the OP said? It is not innocent, the girlfriend is actually making threats:

"She keeps making thinly veiled threats that she's going to tell everyone everything. I don't know what she means she can tell people what she likes. Everyone knows what my dad was like and what he did. I've had to live the the shame of him and the embarrassment of him before I cut him out of my life.

It's just knowing that someone is obsessed with looking at you. Finding things out about you. Eg she finds pictures of you on social media... sees badges you are wearing and then makes comments about that club you are involved in. She follows all local businesses even though she lives miles and miles away! She even liked someone who supplied something for my party !"

Original poster

seasolar · 12/08/2023 08:14

Thank you @labamba007 and @YoBeaches

OP posts:

clpsmum · 12/08/2023 08:17

GoodChat · 12/08/2023 07:45

It sounds like you're stalking her too...

Just change your privacy settings or block her?

This tbh

Block her and stop looking

Soontobe60 · 12/08/2023 08:17

YoBeaches · 12/08/2023 08:02

If she is doing those things, Then it's called Cyberstalking and it's illegal in the UK. You can report her to the police.

None of us have to accept this sort of behaviour online anymore than we would in person.

You’re mistaken on the definition of cyberstalking. It’s the repeated use of electronic communications to harass or frighten someone, for example by sending threatening emails. All this woman is doing is looking at information that the OP is posting on social media for the whole world to see.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 12/08/2023 08:19

So you have stalked her and learnt she is
stalking you ?

firstly everyone needs to block her

this way no one can see each other

Before you do this photograph any threats she’s made

but cut off the oxygen supply

she’s a vulnerable woman clearly and she’s been fed lies by your dad and has got herself into some state of mind

removing all acess to your family will be a good start

Soontobe60 · 12/08/2023 08:23

Sueveneers · 12/08/2023 08:10

@AmeliPoison Did you even bother to read what the OP said? It is not innocent, the girlfriend is actually making threats:

"She keeps making thinly veiled threats that she's going to tell everyone everything. I don't know what she means she can tell people what she likes. Everyone knows what my dad was like and what he did. I've had to live the the shame of him and the embarrassment of him before I cut him out of my life.

It's just knowing that someone is obsessed with looking at you. Finding things out about you. Eg she finds pictures of you on social media... sees badges you are wearing and then makes comments about that club you are involved in. She follows all local businesses even though she lives miles and miles away! She even liked someone who supplied something for my party !"

Show quote history

And yet at the same time the OP says this:
’All my social media is private it's just some really old posts that I've been tagged in by people who aren't private. We are taking early 2010-2015 posts.’
Either the woman is looking at very old posts where people who follow the OP have commented, or the OP has not, in fact, set her privacy settings correctly to prevent the woman from seeing her recent posts.

YoBeaches · 12/08/2023 08:23

@Soontobe60 I don't agree.

It includes your example (harassment) but isn't limited to it. Also includes acts of defamation, false accusations, libel, slander, monitoring, doxing as other examples.