How to have this conversation

[whatisnormalanyway101]

I came out of a controlling, abusive relationship over a year ago and since April have been dating a man I met OLD. I like him, we do nice stuff together, but there has been no talk of what the relationship is, where it’s going bla bla bla. We haven’t told each other we love each other.

I feel like I want to have a conversation about it, but my confidence was knocked so much last time that I am literally at a loss what to say/ask.

I’m aware that this makes me sound like a bit of an idiot, but part of me wants to know what we are, where we’re he sees us going but I’m at a loss as to how to broach it. The other part of me thinks just enjoy it for what it is and don’t put a label on it.

he texts me every day, we speak most days, see each other not loads - probably once or twice a week. I guess I just want some validation. It’s all very well him saying he misses me when we don’t see each other but because of previous relationships I just can’t trust my gut and don’t know if it’s just words or if he means it.

This sounds so muddled. Any advice?

You should know where you stand by now. I totally get why you’re worried about the conversation but if you do really like him you should go for it. Do you love him? As by around now I’d know if I loved someone or not.

I think I do love him. But I don’t trust myself. A friend said I should go with my gut feeling but I have no idea what that is.

I would carry on taking things slowly and keep enjoying the relationship. Are you definitely exclusive? That's pretty important to clarify if it's worrying you. You could ask him where he sees thing going in the future. You don't sound a bit of an idiot OP, just cautious and a little insecure but that's understandable given your previous relationship.

In contrast to a previous poster, I wouldn’t expect to know if I loved a person after a few months dating.

You would expect to have an opinion on whether or not you are compatible enough to enter into a relationship, but you are both still getting to know each other.

It’s not unreasonable at this stage to think about where things are going and begin a conversation about it. I understand what you mean about labels, but after several months it’s important to have these conversations.

If what you are wanting is a committed relationship, then you need to find out if he feels the same.

Don’t let him string you along if you are wanting something more serious and committed Remember that any relationship should be what you want and on your terms, not just about keeping the other person happy.

I think we’re exclusive. I’m not seeing anyone else and he’s not secretive with his phone, answers my messages and calls straight away etc. and yes I am very insecure. He says all the right things, has never let me down but I just don’t know.

I guess I’m just scared of initiating the conversation - not because I’m worried about rejection - if we finished tomorrow I’d look back and enjoy what we did together, I just feel like I want to know where I stand.

The problem is feelings can change. He might swear undieing love today and then cool off next week. And four months isn't a long time really. I would say give it a year and then review the situation. If it hasn't moved on at all, it might be worth calling it a day.

I wouldn't advise to make it a full-blown conversation and plan it. It's still really early days. Enjoy it. Stuff like that often comes naturally. I think with us it was the case of saying little things like 'I can't imagine life without you', 'you're the only one I want to tell stuff to, good or bad', 'I care about you so much' etc, as well as actions, that came before the 3 words. If he tells you he misses you, that's a great sign.

Yes, people like to sometimes call a meeting and 'discuss the state of the relationship', and it works for some people. I just remember when I did this on a similar timeframe with a man I knew cared about me deeply (and we're still together), he felt pressure to almost committ to a long-term future and it really strained the relationship for a short while. His response was along the lines of 'of course we are exclusive, I didn't think this ever needed discussing' and 'it's not really been long enough for me to tell you exactly where this is headed'.

Think you need to figure out if your partner is more of a cheetah or a snail, and also which one are you. Do you like to run towards relationships and committment, or are you quite cautious and like to take your time?

And what are you looking to get? Clarity to be sure where you stand? Or do you already know where you stand and you're looking for reassurance and some relief to anxieties?

Op I disagree with most here. You should know where you stand by now. You should be exclusive by now and know that for sure, and I would say you should love him and him love you. I’ve never taken longer than 3 months to fall in love with someone if seeing them regularly, If I didn’t by then I’d question if he was the right guy for me.

not everyone agrees with this point of view and that’s fine, but you sound like you do really just need to know where you stand and you absolutely should ask. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, just “hey I think we’re getting on well and things are great, I’m not seeing anyone else or looking to, so was just checking we’re on the same page?” Easy. And he will probably say yea of course I don’t want to see anyone else.

OP. I agree with @babybopella . By August from April I'd expect to be bf/gf. I only sleep with men when we are exclusive, so that would have been within a few weeks.

4 months should be an acknowleged bf/gf - cos you cannot discover who someone is as a boyfriend/gf until they are officially that!

MN hates this, but it is true. Men are hunters and when they want something, they lock it down ASAP. If he has not clarified things, your gut is speaking truth and you have reason to be concerned. A man who is serious about you will WANT to put a label on it!

So have the converation. And listen to his reply.

Have the conversation.
Don't just assume.

And not just about exclusivity. Id want to know by now that he considered himself my partner.

That bring said, I wouldn't expect to love someone at 4 months in. A year maybe. But not 4 months.

Totally split opinions here but it’s good for me to see things from every angle. I’m just going to enjoy things for now. I want to take it slow. There isn’t any rush - we’re not of an age where getting married and having kids is going to happen so that’s not an issue.

@WhiteChocMocha cheetah or snail…. I’ve never thought of that before. I think I probably have been a cheetah in previous relationships but now being a snail sounds good.

I will have the exclusive conversation though, but his actions speak volumes and I trust him. He treats me well, he’s a good, honest person and we get on so well. We have shared interests and enjoy the same things.

I’m glad I posted this - I was having a bit of a wobble and overthinking the whole situation but do feel like I have to just “be” and let things happen naturally.

I’m working through my insecurities with my amazing therapist and will talk it through with her this week.