it's just a MASSIVE crush

[candyflossnursem]

I’ve found that I’m quite susceptible to obsessions to lots of different things. What I’ve found to be my most harmful obsession is my crush on a man 18 years older than I am. It’s been about four years and I’ve completely nurtured the crush for my own ego and excitement.

He’s careful with what he says to me and the way he acts around me but I over analyse all interactions. I latch on to those times he’s called me ‘lovely’ and ‘cute’, all the hugs, and make them into a much bigger thing than they are.

I have a really kind, caring, funny and hardworking partner I have a toddler with. We have a nice little life, yet I’m always seeking this re-affirmation.

I’ve recently started to get a good grip over my obsessive thoughts around money and food so I feel much more ready to tackle this one even though I know it will be a struggle. How is best to stop these feelings?

For context, it’s possible for me not to run into him anymore, it’s not like we’re stuck in the same office daily or anything.

Any advice would be much appreciated. This all probably sounds like I’m a needy person who is disrespectful to her current partner but I’m really trying not to be this.

Hi OP. Didn't want to read and run as I suffered from a similar, pretty debilitating crush on a male friend for the past few years.

Namechanged here, as we are both married and friends with each others' partners. I felt terrible about it and it messed with my head quite a bit - it was like being a teenager again, couldn't stop thinking about him blah blah. What made it worse was that he found me attractive also (as it sounds like your friend might) - and with hindsight I wish that we hadn't made this clear to each other, even though we stopped ourselves from having any kind of affair or anything. One piece of advice I'd have would be NOT to allow yourself in situations where you might articulate any feelings to each other or worse, act on it. Don't drink with him, be alone with him, just minimise contact overall, painful as that might be.

My other piece of advice is to try to understand your behaviour and feelings from a scientific, more benign perspective. The 'living with limerence' podcast is a good explainer as to why crushes can mushroom out of control for some people. I also read somewhere that trauma in one's childhood or adolescence can make you more prone to obsessive thinking - this was the case for me. Good luck.

Really appreciate the input on this 🙂 I listened to a podcast about limerance as soon as I read this earlier and am already feeling more positive and grateful for what I already have. Thank you.