Hello, I need some advice and hope this wonderful group can help me.
Earlier this year I was made redundant and since then I've been actively applying for jobs and trying to recuperate my mental health and sense of self. It's now reached a few months since I've been out of work and while I'm trying to stay proactive and have multiple applications in progress, I can't help but be drawn to the idea of volunteering overseas for a few weeks (2 - 3 weeks at most).
To give you a bit of background, it's been something I have been desperate to do for several years and got close to doing but the pandemic struck. In my mind I've wanted to do it with my long-term partner (unmarried, no kids) but he has little interest in doing this volunteering and is very concerned about money. I've had the money saved for this for again, many years, and it's always been earmarked for me to go to this destination.
I'm running out of steam with my job hunt and to make matters worse, I believe the relationship I'm in is an verbally/emotionally abusive one. I experience the same cycle of abuse every few weeks - silent treatment, being sworn at, called names, belittled, told 'WHEN we break up' in casual conversations, made to feel ashamed because of my weight etc. and I don't have any friends or family living nearby. This itself could be entirely different post, but right now I don't have the energy to confront or dive into it deeper (I'm doing this steadily through therapy). I feel like I'm in survival mode.
My partner doesn't think I should be focusing on this volunteering idea and has in a way, made me feel really guilty about wanting to do it. In his mind I should be actively looking for work (I am), not wasting money (I'm fortunate enough to have savings), and save it for another time (I have done for several years) - so much so, he called me selfish for wanting to do this and how I don't think about anyone else, which is something I disagree with as I've waited for years for it to be the right time to do together, and even offered to pay for him to fly out once I finish the volunteering - but, no.
One day I'm told 'just book the flights', and the other I'm told 'oh, so you're going to do it after-all?' - which is leaving me feeling very confused, like I'm walking on eggshells and so lost about making any decisions. I don't want to upset him or cause an argument, but I feel so lost for words and this is making me avoid it once again.
My self-confidence is at an all time low and travelling solo feels very scary - especially long haul. But a little spark inside of me is holding onto the thought of doing something great, to help others and I keep thinking if I don't do this now - when will I? I'm beating myself up for thinking how much time has gone by since losing my job and I could have done this already several times over already.
Am I in the wrong for wanting to do this? How would you go about bringing up the subject or coming to a compromise? How can I get some clarity about what to do? TIA.