What do you do if you have different holiday styles?

[rookiemere]

Not sure if this should be in Holidays but I think it's more of a Relationship one. As DS has grown up holidays have revolved around stuff he enjoys- outdoor activities mostly- which DH happens to enjoy as well.

DS 17 was off on a school trip so we went away as a couple and I guess going forward that's what we will mostly be doing. We've had a few long weekends away, but this is the first long holiday with just the two of us since before DS was born.

The issue is that we appear to want such different things. We both enjoy sight seeing and meals out so that's a good start, but we have busy, stressful jobs and I'm also not averse to a few hours sitting on a sun lounger reading a book, or mumsnetting. I also enjoy a bit of time to relax before dinner but DH could keep powering through.

The bit that causes issues though is after dinner. I'm a bit of a morning person and also don't drink very much - more than 2-3 drinks and I can't sleep well - whereas DH likes a pre dinner drink, dinner and then another drink after. I don't want to and I'm normally tired and grumpy by that point and annoyed by the additional expense of all these drinks. I don't mind if DH stays up, but he doesn't want to have a drink on his own, which I get.

Does anyone else have these issues, and if so how do you get round it ?

I'm not sure I'd exactly class what you're describing here as different holiday styles.

You've said 'we appear to want such different things' and then gone on to say 'the bit that causes issues is after dinner - DH likes a pre dinner drink, dinner and then another drink after.'

So we're talking about one drink after dinner? That's the 'such different things'?

Have a non-alcoholic drink with your DP before dinner, eat dinner, and then have a digestif with him afterwards.
Or have dinner earlier so you're not tired and grumpy?
Or get an early night for you one night and stay out for an extra drink after dinner the next?

I've got to be missing something here because this sounds far too obvious... apologies if I've overlooked something vital.

I have a week with my best mate in Vegas each year and a week in a cottage somewhere remote with DH

Me and DP are a bit like this. She likes more time in the room reading or having a bath etc whereas I like to be out and about as much as possible.

As a result she'll often head back to the room for a couple of hours before dinner whereas I'll carry on sightseeing or find a quiet pub to read my book in.

She's also less of a drinker than I am, so we compromise on what we do after dinner. We'll go out out a couple of times, and she'll switch to something non alcoholic or just nurse a drink.

Most nights though we'll maybe only have one drink after dinner and then head back to the room. The fact that sex is more likely to be on the cards if we're not both drunk and knackered takes the sting out of that fact that we've had an "early night" from my perspective

@natura it does sound so simple when you describe it like that. I think the core issue is he has more energy than I do, maybe a more structured compromise is the answer.

@mrsbyers I do have long weekends with friends. They are great as one set is just like me and has no interest in drinking or staying up late, the other group I have one friend who sometimes comes back early with me or sometimes stays for a few drinks but they all know I'm rubbish after 10.30.

@fdgdfgdfgdfg agh don't mention sex, we're already having to have it daily on holiday, any more would set me over the edge !
NB don't worry everyone it's not coercive sex, I don't mind it, my personal preference would be not every day on holiday but it's not a deal breaker and I enjoy it most of the time.

You sound a bit like DW and I. I am definitely more of a party animal than she is, although I am mellowing a bit with old age.
My ideal is UK camping/caravan/narrowboat type holiday and DW wants AI abroad and in the sun!

When we have gone away alone, we might compromise so she might stay up with me one night, Ill go to bed earlier the following night, or I might stay up alone as i tend to make friends easier than DW who is shy/introverted. She loves the sun and wants to lay on a sun lounger all day, I hate the sun and want to be sightseeing and doing touristy things. Again, we try to compromise with each other, but I cannot get away from the fact that I burn too easily and the heat just makes me ill. DW does go on foreign holidays with a friend so we do mix it up a bit.

@DeltaAlphaDelta79 DH is currently obsessed with buying a campervan and I've told him he will mostly be holidaying with the dog in it. A holiday that involves cleaning, cooking and driving or having to navigate a large vehicle doesn't sound like much fun to me.

OTOH I don't much enjoy AI, and I do like to do something during the day, it's just DH likes the day and evening to be jam packed with things to do and I'd rather an easier pace.

I can see your point , I don’t drink and my DP does , so it’s a compromise , we stay out for a few drinks and chat and I have a soft drink whilst he has alcohol , he’s not
an over the top drinker so it’s no problem .

you could eat later and make the evening shorter that way ?
we are both active and like sight seeing so usually very happy doing the same things if we are away for more than a few days we have several active days alternating with occasional quiet days

my DP likes a few things that I don’t and as I’m the driver I am happy up take him to look / do these whist I chill out in a cafe locally or sit & read in the car , he doesn’t take too long and we are both happy with this , I originally have had to persuade him to do these activities without me and that I am more than happy to sit them out but don’t want him to miss them just because I don’t want to do them
but to be fair we both love a load of shared interest things , wildlife & nature, historic places , boat trips , cinema, the sea, exploring new areas , unusual architecture, food , distillery / brewery tours ( yes still great even though I don’t drink) museums , art galleries, gardens , aircraft , flying, ships, etc etc

perhaps you can make a list of shared interests and go from there ? if you have had an active day perhaps he’s less likely to want hours drinking later ?

DH buys wine and drinks it on the balcony when I go to sleep

Have dinner a bit earlier and have sparking water when you’ve had enough booze.

You don’t sound massively different - he’s just more into running around, so pick somewhere where he can do his own thing a bit, he should be happy to do that during the day.

I though you were going to say he wanted to climb mountains whereas you like a city break or something

You enjoy it most of the time

@Numberunknown yes we did have an excellent day when he went off and did a WW2 attraction for a few hours whilst I relaxed in the spa, maybe we need to try and build that sort of thing in.

I think the sad truth is we're just not well suited at spending large swathes of time together. He also tends to fixate on some sort of project on holiday and talks about that a lot - this holiday it was the campervan.

Its a bit sad because I love him and he loves me, but I'd rather go on holiday with my female friends.

@continentallentil he does enjoy climbing mountains and I've said I'd be happy with a cottage holiday where he goes up big hills most days providing he takes the dog and I'm within walking distance of a village.Not so keen to be sat solo in a campervan that I won't feel comfortable driving though.

To me the problem isn't that you gave different wants, which is totally normal, it's that your husband is selfish.

Everything seems to be what he wants. The compromise seems to be all on you.

For example, he wants an after dinner drink, you don't. So to me the answer is clear, you do what you want and he does what he wants. But that's not good enough for him, he wants you to join in.

Anyway, so what would I do? I'd do what I want. Same as he's been doing for years. And that includes not having sex if I didn't want it.

Do you have any couple friends to go away with where you can sit on a sunbed with one , and DH climbs mountains with the other ?

'I'd rather go on holiday with my female friends'

Do that then.

Try to alternate so you both get what you want and both have to compromise every other day. So schedule in some ‘chill’ time, but not everyday. Have some ‘drinks after dinner’ evenings, but not everyday, and then see what rhythm works for you both as a couple.

Nothing worse than having a drink when you’d rather go to bed night after night, and your DH feeling like he can’t relax as you’ve made it clear that you’d rather be sleeping. Whereas it is easier to bear when the next day will be your way.

Can't you just have a soft drink before and after dinner?

I don't really see the issue.

Just been talking to my cousin. She is exactly like me and her DH is exactly like mine. I think the answer is to go on holiday with them !

I realised for sure that the guy I was dating wasn’t for me when we discussed booking a holiday together. My suggestions were Santorini or Skiathos, his were Benidorm or Kavos.