Should I end things or give it more time?

[harerunner]

Looking for advice...

I've been seeing someone since early July... He's lovely, caring and seems to be very much in to me, and we also have great sex, but there's something missing. I don't know what.

He's been on holiday for a week (he's away a fortnight) and I should be missing him, but I'm not.... I'm actually finding myself thinking more about a friend who I dated briefly in the spring-time before he said he saw us as just friends...

I'm not sure what's the matter with me, as there are no red flags with this new guy, and he's trying so hard. Can I do anything to spark the chemistry? Might it be because he's super keen and I'm backing off not wanting to get too involved too quickly, and I'd regret it as soon as I ended it?

Should I give it time to see if love blooms, or should I call it quits?

It's only four or five weeks (& he's been away on holiday) ... you hardly know the guy. Surely it takes a while to get to know someone unless you are a teenager and believe in true love after five minutes .... are you looking for a serious relationship or just want to enjoy his company?

Carry on. It’s very early stage. Gosh I’d love that feeling of a keen guy! Keep the faith x

I don't believe in "true love" after 5 minutes, but shouldn't I be at least missing the guy?

I think the fact you're not missing him is your answer.

You don't have to settle for someone that doesn't give you the "spark". Save your time and move on. The sooner you do, the sooner you can find someone with better chemistry.

I think it’s too early to fret about not missing him. It may just be a slow-burn relationship and you’re only a month in.

Would you say your previous relationships have been functional and your BFs decent guys who treated you well? If not, it may be that you’re used to the drama and intensity which can come with dysfunctional relationships and a decent, kind guy seems a bit boring in comparison. Women Who Love Too Much is very interesting on this.

Or you may just not really be feeling it - yet. That may or may not change. But if all the flags are green and you’re enjoying your time with him, I’d give it a bit longer.

I agree with everything @Dery says. What have your past relationships been like OP?

I also agree with @Dery

How have your relationships in the past gone - where you've based everything on a spark?

As I get older, I think it's possible that the relationships that grow, are actually the best ones. They're real. You actually like the person. The ones which are based on sparks - and thus fantasies - don't tend to fare so well.

I am older but can honestly say I never went for relationships with the 'spark'. I much preferred getting to know peile in a non pressurised environment and just getting to know they slowly. Could never work out why I would feel my heart lift when I saw them and others equally lovely. never had that at all.

But when it does blossom, it's lovely.

I wouldn’t miss a guy I’d been seeing 5 weeks!! That’s what 4 or 5 dates? Dear lord I was worried I’d struggle to recognise my now boyfriend on dates 2 and 3! We didn’t do more than a brief kiss until date 4. He was lovely but I wasn’t sure he was for me for a couple of months at least. 8 months in and he’s fab but circumstances mean we can’t meet up in the week so I don’t see him for days on end and that’s fine.

Relax, enjoy, hope it turns into more. If after 6 months you aren’t feeling it then ditch him and look again (unless he throws a few red flags before then.)

Thanks for this advice. Perhaps I'll just relax into it and see how it goes 🙂

I've seen him a lot more than 4-5 dates over the past 5 weeks... more like 12 times? And we've had a lot of sex too (though not until date 6).

I would meet up with him when he’s back and make the call then.

5 weeks isn’t long to miss someone but I agree, it’s unusual not to really be bothered.

My DP went away for 6 months with work (pre planned) not that long after I'd met him. We decided to try to keep things going because we really liked each other. But I found it SO difficult and in the end, I ended it. I felt like I didn't really know him and didn't miss him. It took me a week to realise i'd made the biggest mistake. That was 7 years ago and we are engaged with a DC! Don't be too hasty x

You don’t have to want to be with him just because he’s nice and keen and the sex is good. You probably have plenty of other boxes that he doesn’t tick.