FAO x people pleasers wrt The Games People Play (unknowingly) & I'm Ok, you're OK

[NotAllowed2banAdult]

I'm just back from a short holiday where I've realised that some long held friendships only work if I do what I'm told and accept their interpretations of everything, even my own life. I was a people pleaser but now I'm in recovery and it's not that I can't say what I want now, it's that it seems to go down like a lead balloon.

I read the book name above years ago as well as ''I'm OK, you're OK'' and although they were interesting, I thought, well, I'm operating from ''Adult'' so this doesn't apply to me. But ha, I was raised to operate from the ego state of child. Even typing ''i was raised'' hands over responsibility, instead of taking accountability and saying, I continued to get my needs met through the ego state of child.

My Xh's absolute assumption was always that he knew better and in all honesty, when I met him, I kind of surrendered to that out of a lack of confidence, faith in myself, earning potential. So parent/child. It worked until I needed to be an adult.

So here's my problem today, I've changed a lot in the last 20 years, but all of my longest held relationships (mother, school friends) are with people who first got to know me when I was in ''child''. Over the last 15 years, I've changed a lot. But I'm not really allowed to change. My mother is the number one person who will not allow me to change but it's affected other relationships that I don't want to lose entirely, however, they only seem to work if I agree with the background narrative that they know best and my life isn't as good as their life.

Anyway, my question is, can you ever redraw the transactional exchanges between two people who were in the parent/child dynamic?

I suppose answer is to just let their bossiness, superiority and ''concern'' over nothing real go. Just let everything wash over you?

I guess the friends I have kept for 35 years have always been ''adult'' to my ''child'' and must have let a lot of things go, my passivity, my greater need for contact, my being more sensitive. They must have noticed my flaws but never shamed me.

Ok, so, I've gone in a circle here, I guess the answer is to just let it go and not care. What other people think of me is none of my business.

It is probably a really common problem for former people pleasers. Your life fills up with well-meaning but slightly bossier people because that's the dynamic that clicks. People pleasers find bossy people.

Sigh. I long for more equal reciprocal relationships in my life. Just friendships I mean, I don't think my mother will ever 'see' me as anything other than the mess she has decided I am. But how did my life fill up with so many other bossy condescending people.

I hear you. I mean, I haven't done any reading on this like you have. But I'm inately a people pleaser. It's dimished as I've got older, and if you met me knew now, you wouldn't think I was particularly. But people who've known me since I was a child / young adult still expect that to an extent. So I act as the real me and if they don't like it, I've done nothing wrong.

It happens in other areas of life too. My sibling teases me about always being late. I don't think I've been late for anything (within my control) since I was about 25, but they have me pegged as that person. Even now, if I arrange to meet them they'll say 'I'll assume you'll be there 10 minutes after', or they'll express surprised I 'managed to make it' if I get there before them.

Noone I work with would recognise their view of who I am.

A people pleaser from primary school I’m retired and have now set firm boundaries. I’ve let slide the one sided ‘friendship’ where I was a free counselling service for over ten years and if I don’t want to do something other people have arranged, assuming I’ll fall into line I say no and stick to it. No one will “break me down” however long they “work on me”. If I say no I mean no. That will be my final answer. Take it or leave it

@perfectcolourfound yes it's the projections from family members that are the most rigid I think. My family reserves the right to tell me I'm sensitive/angry (and many more labels). If you ever challenge the labels, they think "yes, hmmm still sensitive, still "angry". It's a lose lose for me and a win win for my family as they can blame me for their own lack of empathy/consideration.

I have boundaries now too @Tidsleytiddy but it's so sad, it's not like the other person realises that you have the right to protect yourself/prioritise your own needs. When I've stopped taking the blame/slack/bill/responsibility, I got dumped by them. Their choice. There was no arena to tweak the dynamic a little.

Anyway, my question is, can you ever redraw the transactional exchanges between two people who were in the parent/child dynamic?

I think so but it takes a lot of work and persistence - getting to point you don't care about their reaction as much and you always have to be on guard in case either party slips into previous patterns.

It's hard as gentle humour to taking offence to open clear communication can all be deflected/twisted back and sometime especially within families they just refuse to drop any label that's been attached to you and then only options are not ignore and/or limit contact.

My point is, it leaves a gap in your life. You can walk away from people who want to blame you for their own short comings, but it's not like other people suddenly start treating you like an "adult". Maybe they're just not afraid to lose you. If you walk, you walk. The price of their attention was that you agreed to the background narrative that they were superior. If you start raising subjects they would prefer to gloss over, then... adios, because well, Homeostasis, they're not looking to see in to their blind spots.

So, there is a lot of open space where there should be more healthy friendships/relationships.

to ignore and let it wash over you - ie refuse to engage or limit contact - which I find hard though with DH eye rolling next to me it can work.

@RhubarbandAppleCrumble did you manage this? In the process of trying to be seen for who I am, I have somehow ended up playing up to the labels. But I had been ignoring the situation for decades and that hadn't worked either.
I wonder if there is a book to help you get your family to accept the new you. I say new but I mean, the me I've been for the last 20+ years. I've had therapy three times. 2007, 2020 and 2023 so I'm fairly certain I'm not deluding myself. I think there is a new version of me. People who knew the old wounded people pleaser dislike the version of me who can defend herself.

My point is, it leaves a gap in your life. You can walk away from people who want to blame you for their own short comings, but it's not like other people suddenly start treating you like an "adult". Maybe they're just not afraid to lose you. If you walk, you walk. The price of their attention was that you agreed to the background narrative that they were superior. If you start raising subjects they would prefer to gloss over, then... adios, because well, Homeostasis, they're not looking to see in to their blind spots.

You can't control how other's behave or think only how you react to it.

Though is everyone is treating you as "not an adult" - then it may well be time to consider how you present yourself to the world.

I've been accused of giving an off view - that I'm easy to stream roll - mainly as I tend to be quiet take things in and think about them - and then proceed in writing where I often come across as forceful - that's upset a few sort of official people over the years. Dressing professionally can help - but my personality is more to take thing in and mull over and I'm never sure why people expect me to change that.

@NotAllowed2banAdult you know what, I couldn’t care less. I’ve been played and manipulated for too long. If they don’t like the ‘No’ there isn’t much point to them being in my life anyway. I’m quite happy without them and their dramas

It really boils down to this. Ignore it or lose everybody else.

@RhubarbandAppleCrumble I know you are right. I can't change other people. I ignored their view of me for decades (seemingly, although it hurt) and then one day out of nowhere, I raised it as an issue id like to talk about. The talk had no effect, leading only to silent treatment from my mother. She actually drafted other people in to her silent treatment of me.
The situation is so hopeless now, all I can do is accept all of this wide open space in my life, where other people have mother's and sisters and aunts and cousins, I have just silence from victims of me.

Read the book The Games People Play - and several books other's that helped me see the dynamic in my family and IL - though my parents near impossible to change their view so embrace the funny side with DH help - and refuse to rise to any bate.

Possible also helps some of the picture of me formed before I was diagnosed as dyslexic and dyspraxia.

Uni and school friends - I don't really care and had steep learning curve with family post kids - what I said went - so found a backbone and ways of getting people to listen which may include being outright rude as when kids were young was often left fuming by holding my tongue which only hurt me. I think I also started to need to model behavior about how people should treat you.

I still get things wrong and still struggle with some of this.

Ps I haven't lost my schoolfriends, I just see v clearly right now my function in the group is to be super accommodating, and modest.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Legacy-Reclaiming/dp/0553814826

This is often recommended on here - but if you've had therapy you may just have to accept Low Contact or No contact is what is needed. They won't suddenly become different people and you won't suddenly get the relationship you crave from them.

I know my families view of me is wrong because I'm surrounded by people and lived a life that shows this - but I don't live nearby and when I go back we don't stop with them and I tend to go back not alone - so when others are recruited it has very limited impact as I can avoid phone and e-mail or turn it round and then be gone.

It's possible if you get away from family drama - ie aren't being undermined and can stop second guessing yourself all the time friendship circles may be easier to manage.

Actuslly i moved away at 23 when I accepted my parents' perception of me as just a little irritating, when I moved back to my home country 15 years later, it began to infuriate me as id experienced being perceived as competent and stable.

My mother"s silent treatments stopped bringing me back to heel.
It's harder to be a regulated, considerate, self-aware, strong ADULT when people around you all think badly of you but that's who I want to try to be.