feel trapped, is this toxic? need a good plan

[frenchwine]

A bit of a strange story here. My DP is much older. We have been together 7 years. As a couple we have no kids together. He future faked me about having a child together but it has never happened. He has two adult DCs. We have been living together 7 years. Each of us owns properties of our own elsewhere. DP suggested many times that we get something together but I did not want to as his DCs were already openly talking about what are they getting in inheritance, so I felt whilst not having my own children I end up laying their pockets. I asked solicitor and I was told not to merge assets. My other argument in this debacle has been - if we have no kids why do we need house together. We are both mortgages free. Why add stress and new mortgage. Eventually after numerous refusals on my part my DP decided that he is giving his tenants a notice and moving back into his house. It is his house he got with his ex, still her kitchen and other interior. I can not afford to live on my own in current place, I do not want to move into his former marital house as it is a very unpleasant place, though he thinks it is beyond amazing. Also the place is remote and too far from my work. I sense he is trying to force me to move in there as he would have a housekeeper and carer for free. I suggested that maybe he could sell this house and buy something different, start afresh, something we both would like and suitable (I would not want to have any rights to it just a place we both chose). He said no. At 60 he wanted to take a mortgage with me to buy a 5 bedroom house, what for? The only thing that crosses my mind is - for his kids. I often thing his house is the most precious thing in his life as if he has not moved on after his divorce many many years ago. Like I said big age gap here. For his house I would have to give up my work to live there as commute would make no sense. His argument is he likes his house, it is his, he wants to cut the grass and sit in his garden (not one tree there)- strong arguments. I am 15 years younger and want to live and laugh. Even if I wanted to leave I can not afford to live on my own, which I believe suits his agenda. I have no family here to even stay with temporary. He still works and could work from any place in the world so I offered we could move to mine (abroad) and that would enable me to look after my elderly mum but equally he said no. It needs to be his way. I feel he is either trying to force me out of his life or trying to force me into his house. He never said he wants to split up. He doesn’t care what I think, doesn’t ask what I would like. It is all about him. He is 60 and very set in his ways. Also as a couple we have not been intimate for over 2 years now so really there is nothing in this relationship. Is there? I am lost and confused and feel trapped. I wonder what would you do? I know leave but a bit more constructive plan. I like other people’s ideas.

Him not caring what you think and making unilateral decisions regardless of the impact on you is quite selfish. The fact you are no longer intimate may be a way of him communicating he is done with the relationship. I am guessing he is also the type that will not marry you so he can protect his assets and preserve his kids inheritance. He is planning to move out (without you), is planning a future (without you) and I think you may need to do likewise.

If I were you, I would move back to your own house in your home country and get away from this man. He's no good for you. You can't afford to live here on your own so I would go back home, personally.

I thought about it as well but I have been here over 20 years now, I was married before, my life all happened here and I fear starting new life in a place where I only lived till very early 20s.

he does want to get married but I see no point - we have no kids together so why complicate things.

I think this man is keeping you around too help provide for his children and to look after him as he ages. You are is a great age. What can you afford to do?

You sound extremely unhappy. He sounds unpleasant.

But you also sound like you believe you made no decisions in your life and it’s all happening to you.

He doesn’t have to live with you. I actually understand him wanting to move back into his own him. Why own a home and live elsewhere.

I presume you own where you live, because I definitely wouldn’t be paying rent if I had a house that I owned.

You both sound like you have fixed ideas of what you want and it it’s not compatible with the other. He wants to live in a house he at least part owns. Most people do. You don’t want to buy with him, which is fair enough. But you can’t both have what you want and be together.

You don’t want to buy with him, don’t want to merge assets (again, that completely fair) but also want him to live with you because you need him financially. I have adult kids and I wouldn’t move abroad to live in my Dps house, away from my family so he could care for his mother.

You want him to be happy with how you want things and he isn’t. He wants to try and force your hand to love into his house, and you won’t. You ultimately are compatible.

Plus it sounds like a terrible relationship that you are staying in for financial reasons only. There’s no point even trying to compromise.

Have you posted about him before? If you are the same poster, he is obsessed with you two buying a big place together when you don’t want to. He has been putting a lot of pressure on you. With the age gap, lack of sex and the adult daughters in the mix, you would be mad to stay with him.

Listen to your intuition. You do not have to back it up in a court of law, you just need to tune in to how you feel and act on that. Regardless of his reaction to you doing what you feel works for you.

Make no apology for doing what you want to do.

valid point about the kids but he does not see them, they are not pleasant, call him names, wait for inheritance, very calculated and he sees them once twice a year if that. no birthday cards or gifts as they plead poverty and are very manipulative lying to him all the time. he would really have a better life elsewhere. trust me. but I get your point.

I think you are only staying with him because leaving looks so difficult to you - not because you want to stay. To be honest I can’t see what either of you are getting out of the relationship.

You have a job, and you own a property somewhere that presumably you are renting out or can sell if you don’t want to live there. And it sounds as though you have no children.

So what’s stopping you from leaving and starting afresh?

But you don’t get to decide what he should think is better for him.

Don’t get me wrong. He sounds awful. I wouldn’t recommend staying even if he did do as you want him to. I am just saying he can be awful and have he owns wants.

Those wants are not compatible with yours.

If you are willing to live back to your home country with him, why can’t you go alone. Moving back with him would be far more unpleasant

These are your thoughts @frenchwine

''he does want to get married but I see no point - we have no kids together so why complicate things.''

The question is why do you feel you need approval for your position here. It's entirely reasonable. Couples only move forward if they're on the same page.
You're not on the same page, because, well, quote ''he does want to get married but I see no point - we have no kids together so why complicate things.''

I don't know if you've posted before, never seen what was wrong with posting again, I hope that it becomes clearer to you that you are allowed to have a position here. Has he ever moved forward with your plans against his own volition or intuition or at the expense of what served him??? I'm guessing the answer is NO.

All you have to do is say ''We're not on the same page here''. I used to have an x who successfully trained me to believe that i had no right to my own perspective. So I advise keeping your responses short and honest. Although, just being honest can feel like ''cruel'' even when they have not put you first, ever.

So if you have to, be honest and say ''i'd rather live alone in my own house''.

Soften it a bit, ''after some reflection, I realise, we're not on the same page'' et cetera but come back to that one truth. ''I do not want to''.

If he continues to pressure you when you've made it clear that it is not what you want then that should show you that what you want doesn't really feature in his list of considerations.

If you marry this bloke anything you have his also his.

get out. You know you need to!

thank you for this, yes I did say to DP some of your suggestions already - like we are not compatible and perhaps it is best to part - in fact I said it many times. He always says - but you don't understand we have an amazing future together, if we move to a big house - I personally can not see it. Yes I did post before and yes the house story is an obsession, it is a weekly topic my end. I thought about moving countries (like others suggested) but like I said earlier I have been here for over 20 years and really fear starting new life somewhere I have never even worked. I have dual citizenship but that is a privilege really, I still feel my life happened here. You know what I mean. And the 'I see no point in getting married' bit - I have been future faked for years to have a child and now after solicitors consultation, taking into consideration age, finances, his dc marriage is not a wise move. that's what I have been told. I feel I am a bit numbed and can not get a clear vision and an action plan for the next 6 months.

Can you afford to rent a room until you’re on your feet a bit? Or rent a small flat or something close to work?