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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I the narcissist?

22 replies

Whyohwhy45 · 11/08/2023 09:02

Throughout my 6 relationship with my ex he was controlling, eyes always wondered and nothing was ever good enough.

We decided to try again and everything was good for a few months but then he started being horrible again - calling me names and pushing me around because I wouldn't give him the answer to a question he wanted. I tried to explain that if he sat down nicely and had a discussion with me I would of talked it through with him but I wasn't going to talk to him when he was shouting in my face and pushing me.

He's now saying that the breakdown of our relationship was because I didn't support him and his needs and answer his question. He doesn't get that it was his reaction that made me not want to talk to him.

He said he spent 6 years supporting me and that wasn't enough - I don't see how messaging and talking to other girls was supportive and also dipping in and out of the relationship when he felt like it.

Now I somehow feel like the guilty one because he's said everything was good before that one night. It's almost like when he sees I'm getting stronger on my own he acts up to knock me down again - then when I'm down he's supportive and kind. Then uses that against me to show how supportive he is to cover up the rest.

I have no idea where my heads at - I feel like the narcissist even though all I ever did in our relationship was be loyal and support him.

OP posts:

prettydesertflower · 11/08/2023 09:05

He physically pushes you and shouts. This sounds abusive and is absolutely inappropriate. Your head is all over the place as he is also playing mind games to make you feel guilty.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/08/2023 09:12

You are not a narcissist because you have two qualities that he entirely lacks; empathy and insight. He has used both your own niceness and kind nature against you.

What you're describing here is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse from him to you and that is a continuous one. Drop the rope and let him go entirely. Rebuild your life and recover from the abuse he has and will continue to show you if you let him back in yet again. Your boundaries here have and will continue to be eroded by your abuser.

Have a look at and read the Freedom Programme online and if possible do this in person. Talk to Womens Aid as well.

EmmaOvary · 11/08/2023 09:14

The mere fact you have asked that indicates you are not, since narcs never interrogate their own behaviour. OP, this is an abuser who is gaslighting you and playing mind games. Please get rid.

JibbaJab · 11/08/2023 10:03

No. A narcissist wouldn't be doubting themselves or asking the question at all, they are perfect, justified, right.

This is the fallout from abuse, you have been conditioned to be the one at fault, to blame and you're self esteem is non existent.

polkadotdalmation · 11/08/2023 10:05

It's a typical tactic of narcissists to reverse behaviours. Just ignore. Of course it's him not you.

NotAllowed2banAdult · 11/08/2023 10:14

I agree, Blamers always BLAME. You could have broken your back bending over backwards for him and it wouldn't have been enough! But you're wondering if you could have done more. Is he wondering if he could have done more for you? Is he pondering YOUR perspective of the relationship? Or is his perspective of the relationship the only perspective that's considered valid??

Do no harm but also Take no shit is a philosophy I've had to recalibrate. I was too good to everybody else so the harm I was doing was to myself. I did harm to myself taking so much shit.

De-program yourself. Walk away from people who want to blame you for their excessive need for support when they've provided you with none.

Original poster

Whyohwhy45 · 11/08/2023 11:10

Thanks everyone.

He's now saying even though nothings changed he's still in love with me and wants me. That if we got married and had a baby would I still not want to be with him?

I feel like my head is constantly on a rollercoaster - I don't know how to stay strong

OP posts:

polkadotdalmation · 11/08/2023 11:14

If you married and had a baby with him, believe me it would get worse. I speak from experience with first H. Please please, walk away. If my ex had shown his true colours, like you've seen, I would have saved myself years of heartbreak.

JibbaJab · 11/08/2023 11:14

Whyohwhy45 · 11/08/2023 11:10

Thanks everyone.

He's now saying even though nothings changed he's still in love with me and wants me. That if we got married and had a baby would I still not want to be with him?

I feel like my head is constantly on a rollercoaster - I don't know how to stay strong

If it's been consistently bad don't and especially if he is a narcissist, which obviously you won't know for sure, but if he is, run.

Worst mistake I made was ignoring my gut and it got worse and worse. They cannot be happy, they live in chaos, stability does not mix and they betray, lie, cheat and abuse and destroy you. Once they are done with you, they scapegoat you.

Again, it may just be abusive in general but if it is narcissism don't go into something long, it's all a mind game.

VeridicalVagabond · 11/08/2023 11:18

Simply, getting back with him was a mistake.

Not leaving now he has helpfully proven he's incapable of change would be a mistake.

Marrying and having a baby with him would be the biggest mistake of your life.

SayNoToDoorToDoor · 11/08/2023 11:21

Red flag with your boyfriends behaviour. Likely he’s projecting his narcissism into you.

The fact he’s got you on a cycle of hates you/“loves” you and gets you all confused and guilty suggests it’s you who’s the victim of his abuse. You’re in the FOG - fear, obligation, guilt.

If you say no to him does he accept with grace or have a full on sulky meltdown?

This will not get better, you’ll be in the perpetual cycle of abuse thinking it’s ok for a little while then most of the time realising it’s really awful.

Run. Do not have a child with this man.

SayNoToDoorToDoor · 11/08/2023 11:25

You’re going to be on a rollercoaster with your emotions for a little while as you process everything that’s happened to you.

I know I felt rage when at the top of that rollercoaster. It’s all completely normal to feel out of sync and up and down like a yo-yo as you process everything. It does get better. Ride it out away from him and you’ll come out into calm waters.

DatingDinosaur · 11/08/2023 17:01

Stay strong. Get stronger. By leaving him. He sounds like a tool - it's "all about him" isn't it and he's, once again, showing you his true colours then breadcrumbing you back to "loving him" with marriage and babies. Bleh, you can do better. Why do you fancy him? DO you fancy him or is he just a good shag?

And no, it's not you that's the narcissist.

Original poster

Whyohwhy45 · 12/08/2023 08:36

@SayNoToDoorToDoor he gets sulky and annoyed - saying things like you don’t care about me etc. If he try’s to give me a hug and I say no or push him away he try’s to make me feel guilty. I’m just trying to protect myself from further hurt

OP posts:

Hyposensitive · 12/08/2023 08:54

Sounds like he is the abuser and using DARVO

JibbaJab · 12/08/2023 09:05

Yes I didn't understand what abuse was like to be honest, other than psychical and being a guy I just took it. Wasn't until I have had distance I understand what it is now, along with DARVO.

It's been DARVO the entire time and even through this situation I am in now. Once you understand it you see it play out.

Original poster

Whyohwhy45 · 12/08/2023 10:15

It’s hard when you’re in the situation and trying to stay strong - mine is now saying he’s selling my engagement ring today. I shouldn’t be bothered but I’m sad and angry.

OP posts:

JibbaJab · 12/08/2023 10:21

Whyohwhy45 · 12/08/2023 10:15

It’s hard when you’re in the situation and trying to stay strong - mine is now saying he’s selling my engagement ring today. I shouldn’t be bothered but I’m sad and angry.

It is hard yes. How far are you in?

Yes you should be bothered, that's supposed to mean something. See how it works, no consideration.

Original poster

Whyohwhy45 · 12/08/2023 10:38

Well we broke up for a year and then I thought he’d changed so we tried again … lasted 4 months before I started to see the old him. I’m now 2 months in to the breakup

OP posts:

JibbaJab · 12/08/2023 10:41

Yeah don't be fooled again it's all bollocks, they don't change.

You feeling low about it all or venting? I'm four months in still finding it hard to process at times, even though I see it all.

Original poster

Whyohwhy45 · 12/08/2023 15:13

@JibbaJab Im still finding it really hard , it’s trying to separate the 2 people. The person you love with the person that you can see. My mind still can’t work it out.

OP posts:

JibbaJab · 12/08/2023 15:17

@Whyohwhy45 Yeah I understand what you mean. It's a bit like a fairytale, where you just want that good part of the story to come back the part where it was right and happy.

I've still got a part of me where I miss them and want them to reach out because I can't but I know I shouldn't want that...

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