Mutual friends and ex

[Kittiekattie]

My 4.5-year relationship ended a couple of years ago and although it took me a long time to get over I'm back in my happy place now and content with my life. I can see now I was badly treated and would never go back.

We've mutual friends and have been meeting up with them separately. I never ask about him and most don't mention him but there are a couple that do, maybe telling me what he's been up to, and this puts him in my head again, where I don't want him to be.

There are a couple of big birthdays coming up soon and I'm wondering how it'll work out, we are likely to be both invited. He's not someone I want to become friends with, I'd day hello and that'd be it, even though time has passed. Is this reasonable, considering he hurt me a lot?

I'd be interested to hear how others deal with similar situations.

It's great that you've moved on and are in a happy place now.

If you think you can, then go to the parties, and treat him like anyone you vaguely know - don't make a point of talking to him but don't be blatantly rude either. Make sure you've got plans to see a couple of specific friends while you're there, so you can talk to them if you end up close to any uncomfortable circumstances. I'd also recommend somewhere that you could be after the party (that you've shared with the hosts) - so if you're not enjoying it you can make your excuses and leave.

As far as the friends that mention the ex - it's difficult. If you've genuinely moved on, and they are just mentioning him the same as they mention any other acquaintances, then it seems they also think you've moved on.

If you think they're telling you stuff BECAUSE he's your ex, or because they don't think you've moved on, then that's not OK. It's tempting to suggest asking them to not mention him, but then that's telling them he can still get under your skin, and that could get back to him.

I’d go to the parties and if he’s there say hello. Don’t make a beeline for him but don’t avoid him either. Just be bright and breezy and keep the conversation short. It does feel weird, uncomfortable, awkward, even cringe-y but the first time you bump into an ex in any situation feels a bit like that. I think it’s worse if you bump into them in the street because you’re not expecting it, so forewarned is forearmed.

I know you say you’re over it and in your happy place now but shore up your emotional defences in case he’s there with someone else because it will make you react internally, no matter how over him you are.

If he asks about your love life, he doesn’t need to know a thing “it’s all good thanks, isn’t this a lovely turnout for [birthday boy/girl]”. That sort of thing.

It’s also a good way of getting him out of your system once and for all – you’ll be seeing him through the eyes of someone older and wiser and without the rose-tinted specs.

I bumped into an ex recently-ish and my first thought was “EEEEWWWWW, how could I? Just WHYYHYY?” I guess I’m over him then but I was ga-ga about him at the time.

Thanks for the good advice. I'd never ignore him but don't want to be his 'friend' either, petty as that may sound.

It’s not petty, why should you be friends? I’d be telling the mutual friends to stop mentioning him: why are they doing that?

Seconding @Cherrysoup.

No I don’t think it sounds petty either.

Talking to him occasionally at events isn’t being ‘friends’ with him.

Messaging and chatting and agreeing with him to hang out together and sharing little snippets of how your day/week/life has been and asking about his, is.

Maybe the term “acquaintances” is better? Or “not enemies”?

I think it’s normal/understandable that mutual friends might mention him from time to time. He’s their friend too. Unless you think they’re mentioning him for ‘a reason’? But, regardless, they can’t avoid talking about him when you’re around indefinitely.