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Original poster

Married 10 years and lonely

15 replies

Lesleyknopeswaffleiron · 10/08/2023 23:12

Name change because this is a little outing.

Can anyone help me work out how to get out of this pickle?

I’ve been married to DH for 10 years, together for 20. We met on the internet long before that was cool. It was a message board (ha, those were the days) and we hit it off, we were both teenagers. We came from similar backgrounds, had similarly tough upbringings and our burgeoning romance was a little chink of light in dark times.

We didn’t (Don’t?) have a lot else in common. I went to university, he didn’t, but we kept our relationship going. We’ve been through thick and thin together and I love him so deeply. For such a long time I considered him my soul mate.

Lately, it’s been VERY hard. We have a DS3, we both work and we’re knackered. No family support. It’s a tale as old as time, but we’ve both taken each other for granted and it’s hard to prioritise our relationship. I recognise the danger in this and have tried talking to him, but he’s not interested. It’s like he doesn’t have the bandwidth to make any effort, and he doesn’t see the problem. We don’t fight, but we’ve drifted v far from each other.

Recently, I’ve had vibes that a guy at work might be interested in me and it feels amazing. We have so much in common and really hit it off. I’d obviously never do anything to jeopardise my marriage, but I can’t deny that feeling desirable is nice, and I’ve enjoyed idly thinking about him every now and then.

I realise that this is not good and I need to put that energy into my marriage, but HOW?! How can I reach DH and help him see that I am so bloody lonely?!

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 11/08/2023 07:36

If he doesn’t see the problem, and won’t go to couples counselling, then you end it. Before you do anything with work guy.

Original poster
Lesleyknopeswaffleiron · 11/08/2023 08:23

That feels extreme @DustyLee123. I really love him, I just want him to notice me

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 11/08/2023 08:26

But you’ve said yourself that he’s not interested, so if he won’t make the change what are you going to do, spend the rest of your life waiting for it ?

ZolaBudd · 11/08/2023 08:27

Oh shag the work guy. Ofc

FloweryName · 11/08/2023 08:36

Would your DH be uninterested if you were able to plan date nights sometimes? As you’ve acknowledged, it can be really hard to think about anything other than keeping the treadmill going when you’re working hard full time, have a home to run and a small child to bring up so you need to identify if this is just an inevitable rough patch in your marriage or something more than that.

I know it feel exciting to feel wanted and desired but realistically, there are probably many men out there that would be attracted to you. Finding a bloke that fancies getting into your pants is not difficult. Finding a man that is prepared to spend years working towards a life and a family with you and that will be there to support you in difficult times isn’t so easy. Make a conscious effort every day to value what you have.

Original poster
Lesleyknopeswaffleiron · 11/08/2023 08:55

FloweryName · 11/08/2023 08:36

Would your DH be uninterested if you were able to plan date nights sometimes? As you’ve acknowledged, it can be really hard to think about anything other than keeping the treadmill going when you’re working hard full time, have a home to run and a small child to bring up so you need to identify if this is just an inevitable rough patch in your marriage or something more than that.

I know it feel exciting to feel wanted and desired but realistically, there are probably many men out there that would be attracted to you. Finding a bloke that fancies getting into your pants is not difficult. Finding a man that is prepared to spend years working towards a life and a family with you and that will be there to support you in difficult times isn’t so easy. Make a conscious effort every day to value what you have.

You are totally right, of course.

It’s just that no-one has got into my pants for a long time. It feels unusual and exciting and it’s just a temporary dopamine hit that I need to let go. But still. It’s hard, right?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lesleyknopeswaffleiron · 11/08/2023 08:57

DustyLee123 · 11/08/2023 08:26

But you’ve said yourself that he’s not interested, so if he won’t make the change what are you going to do, spend the rest of your life waiting for it ?

I take the point. I suppose I’m just assuming that it’s my fault because I’ve not found the right way to reach him yet

OP posts:
frenchwine · 11/08/2023 09:16

Does your DH feels lonely? I am in a similar situation as you. I started thinking outside of the box that perhaps I feel lonely because his interest and energy goes elsewhere... do you know his daily abouts to be able to work out what is going on in his life.

LizzieSiddal · 11/08/2023 09:21

When you say you’ve spoken to him, have you explicitly said that you feel very lonely, that you miss the closeness etc?
If you have and he’s not interested in changing the relationship, then the only thing you can do is ask him to go to counselling with you. If he wont then sadly, it’s probably the end of the marriage unless you want to stay lonely for the rest of your life.

Original poster
Lesleyknopeswaffleiron · 11/08/2023 09:53

LizzieSiddal · 11/08/2023 09:21

When you say you’ve spoken to him, have you explicitly said that you feel very lonely, that you miss the closeness etc?
If you have and he’s not interested in changing the relationship, then the only thing you can do is ask him to go to counselling with you. If he wont then sadly, it’s probably the end of the marriage unless you want to stay lonely for the rest of your life.

Yes, I’ve been explicit and I’ve cried. I’ve told him how I feel undesired and frumpy. I’ve told him how I feel like we’re drifting apart. Repeatedly.

He says all the right things and then nothing changes. And I know that writing it out like that sounds stark, and I can see how it sounds like he won’t change, and I’m hoping for something that won’t happen.

But I also feel sorry for him: his life is small and busy too. He’s knackered, we both are. We don’t get many opportunities to unwind. Our DS3 is full-on and we are both working, we end up just on the treadmill. I think DH might actually be a touch depressed too.

he’s very good at just ‘getting on with things’ but in my view, this makes him accept the status quo more readily than i do. I’m the one with the drive, it’s always been like this. It’s worked really well for us so far. I’ve been the one that sets the direction and he keeps the show on the road.

I think that’s not working for him anymore and I can understand that. But I can’t see a way to get him to open up to me

OP posts:
PineConeOrDogPoo · 11/08/2023 10:05

Hi OP

If you're ready to work on things from your side, this is a great website to start reading. It takes some time to digest the info. So be patient. He addresses all the common questions including yours.

Also, try watching a few John Gottman talks on YouTube (Making Marriage Work etc)

All the best! You need some real hunger for this improve but I promise you can make a lot of changes on your own and things will change for both of you. (Even if that means a temporary or permanent separation. But does not need to be the outcome in any way. That will be up to you and him.)

Al Turtle's Relationship Wisdom – My Essays, Articles and Discussions

https://www.alturtle.com/

YukoandHiro · 11/08/2023 10:07

You need to spend more time together outside the routine. Can someone take your DC so you can have a night away? Me and DH only manage to do this once a year really but it make HUGE difference to our relationship when we do.

Original poster
Lesleyknopeswaffleiron · 11/08/2023 16:01

YukoandHiro · 11/08/2023 10:07

You need to spend more time together outside the routine. Can someone take your DC so you can have a night away? Me and DH only manage to do this once a year really but it make HUGE difference to our relationship when we do.

I think we’re really scared to do this, and it probably exposes something about how we parent our DS.

We had him in Covid times and because we have no family nearby, he’s not used to being left with family or friends by himself. Don’t get me wrong, he’s not tied to us and he goes to nursery so we can work. But when we aren’t at work, it’s all us.

Hiring babysitters or having people come round in the evening feels hard because he’s so used to us (well, usually me) doing bedtime, and he still gets up at night for a cuddle. We’ve been trying to go out for lunch a few times and leave him with family for an hour, but we’re always so conscious that we are imposing so we end up rushing back.

We definitely need to get better at this

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 11/08/2023 23:21

Could you both take a day off work, when Ds is at nursery, so you could go for lunch together. It really does make all the difference to spend some quality time together.

Original poster
Lesleyknopeswaffleiron · 12/08/2023 20:39

Thanks @LizzieSiddal - we’re going out for lunch in a few weeks for our anniversary and I’m hoping that will help.

I spent 20 mins today in a daydream about the other bloke and I feel so ashamed.

OP posts:
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