Would you confront DH after so many years?

[cecil2090]

Me and DH have been together for 14 years and married for 9. We’ve got 2 children together and he has a child from a previous relationship who I love as my own and get on amazingly with.

About a year before we got married I had the contraceptive implant fitted and the nurse suggested I was routinely tested for sti’s where I tested positive for chlamydia.
I have never slept with anyone else since I met DH so it obviously came from him. He swore blind he hadn’t cheated and spun me a lie of how I could’ve contracted it (he was never tested, just treated as precaution)
At the time I knew in my heart he was lying but didn’t want to believe he could do that to me so pretended to believe what he was saying, accepted what had happened and carried on.
However over the last 2-3 months it has been playing on my mind and making me really angry, at myself for not reacting the first time and at him for doing it. Sometimes I can barely bring myself to say 2 words to him and just tell him I’m tired (we have recently had a baby so he doesn’t question it)
It’s got me questioning if he’s cheating on me now, although logically there is no reason to think that, it just keeps weighing on my mind and I can’t shake it.

I’m wondering if it’s something I should confront him about now or just work on letting it go as it was 10 years ago. I can’t think of a reason it’s been on my mind lately but it’s driving me insane!

Other than this incident we’ve had no other issues, in fact he’s my best friend. He has been an incredible support to me through horrific PND with my 1st baby and also through my anxiety and panic attacks (which I still get)
He’s an amazing dad to all 3 children and just an all round great person.

Thank you if you’re still reading, please don’t judge me, I’m already doing that myself! I’d just like some advice or wonder what you would do xx

Chlamydia can apparently lie dormant for years and infected person can be asymptomatic so he was not nec unfaithful to you—he might have got it from a previous relationship long before he met you.

I did think that but I was tested about a year into our relationship and everything came back clear. Could he have it and not pass it on if no symptoms?
I might look that up actually.

Thank you

Equally it might have lain dormant in you for years from previous relationship.

Apparently false negative tests are common.

Honestly if you are happy & have no other issues I would let it go. It could do more damage bringing it up now especially if you have no proof!

You let it go then, so I think you have to make your peace with your decision. There seems to be a lot of positives to your relationship and so there's no point in stirring it up now, unless you have suspicions about his behaviour now?

If you have recently had a baby (saying this with the best of intentions; we have all been there!) you are probably a mess of hormones and maybe not thinking about things as rationally as you might?

There's a couple of possibilities here...he did cheat then but hasn't since, he did cheat then and is again, he never cheated. Its possible you are picking up on stuff not realising its similar to stuff you didn't see before.

It's also possible this is something coming from you, be it 'normal' post baby or PND again....

Anyway you look at it you will and are driving yourself crazy so need to talk to someone about this

OP - i think you need ro focus on yourself and your baby now. It does seem that your mind is playing tricks on you.
You do know that with one PND you are at higher risk to get it again with the 2nd baby?
And - this sudden appearance of irrational anxiety over an event so long ago - that is not a certainty but quite possible is just in your head - this looks like a symptom. Its not a reality.
Talk to your HV and keep an eye on it. You know what PND looks like - get help before it gets any worse.

Somewhat parallel situation—years ago when I was young I got together with a man and a couple of months into our sexual relationship he told me he had been diagnosed with a sexually transmitted infection—I forget what it was but not something dangerous like syphilis or gonorrhea, just something unpleasant and painful. He told me as he had not had sex with anyone but me for some months he ‘must’ have got it from me. I was pretty surprised because I hadn’t had any recent partners before him, didn’t have any symptoms, but went and got tested and it came back negative. But they didn’t give me written proof and he didn’t believe me, thought I was lying and I really had it. I can promise though that I was telling the truth, never developed symptoms and never was accused of giving it to any subsequent partner! I think the most likely scenario is that he got it from a previous partner and it lay dormant in him for a while before popping up after he got together with me.

What's happened for you to doubt him after 13 years? I too had the same test before Mirena. All clear, however I'm not sure how it works on the male side. Maybe he always had it but hadn't passed it on in the year previously.

I'm just wondering why now? You'll never get the answer you need, unless you make him test now, both test now.

Are you not trusting him at the moment?

Were you using condoms before the implant? Less likely for anything to spread.

Sorry, I got my dates mixed up in previous post.

I think it's one you need to try and let go if possible for you x

Something has triggered this doubt in you recently. Can you try to work out what it was? This will help you decide whether to let it go or to pursue it. Just try to relax and think through when and where and why this became active again. PND is horrific and I am glad to hear that he has been a support.

There is another active post about this tonight where the go admitted they made a mistake - not meaning to give you false hope

Thank you everyone for replying.

I can't think of anything that has happened for me to start doubting him, it's just like a switch that's gone off in my head. I also had no idea that false negative tests were common, maybe I should've researched!

My anxiety seems slightly worse lately and I've also been having overwhelming thoughts about something terrible happening to my children.. so I guess it could all be related and I need to talk to someone.
I just wonder why this particular thing from so many years ago? In my head I'm thinking if something happened then, then it could be happening now. I have never doubted him or had any reason to, so it could just be hormones and anxiety playing havoc.
I actually have a gp appointment tomorrow for something unrelated so I'll mention this.
I might start writing a few things down to get them out if my head, hopefully I'll figure out where this is coming from!

Thank you x

Was he ever tested? He may have had it too and would have reinfected you. Something to consider health-wise.

How did your appt go?

This

This article might be helpful, to address that first negative test result. Assuming he was positive all along.

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/i-tested-positive-for-chlamydia-and-my-partner-didnt

Let it go, don’t let it destroy your relationship. It is possible for other reasons than cheating, and if no reason to suspect cheating otherwise

Hi all.

I was in bed most of yesterday with a migraine so didn't actually get to my appointment.
I'm going to ring Monday morning to try and get one.

I will definitely work on getting past it. Our relationship is great other than this so as pp have said I wouldn't want to destroy it over a possibility. I'll read that article too, that looks helpful.

Thank you all so much x